Aug 1

 I can feel a tug on me the last few days, the slope has stopped going up, and is now going down.

I am of course, ignoring it and hoping it just goes away.

The mornings have been ropier. I can feel it when I get up. A good deal more rough. An extended period of nausea. A longer time to right the ship.

Eh, pfft, meh.

I have still not quite got my mojo back from my recent crash into the bottom. I am lacking motivation to do much of anything. Ironically, I feel like wanting to do something when I start to doze off. I could do this, or that. And then fall asleep. When I awake, the reality of pushing through the layers of fog and shit means that I do nothing and all motivation disappears. The nausea is a real killer for that too. It flicks a switch into survival mode. The whole leave me alone I'm going to puke. Eh well.

On reflection I think overall, very long term, I have got a bit better again. My stamina is definitely up. I am now doing, gasp, sometimes a couple of active things in a day. And not then dying. Or crashing. So I've gone from, struggling to do one thing - and collapsing after. To. Doing one thing. And collapsing after. To doing one thing and kinda being ok. To doing two things and kinda being ok. Three takes the piss and I crash.

But it varies. Like the tide. And you can never quite tell what it's going to be like from day to day. But big picture. It has improved.

The tinnitus behaves itself more often than not. The face tingles are rarer. The dizzies are rarer. But still there. And all of them can flare up.

The everyday nausea is of course, worse. Or has developed. Or whatever you want to call it. And my eating is sketchy because of it.

A host of other flashing lights come and go. Weird Shit. Odd migraines. Visual.. things.. marching 8 bit graphics. And a number of fainting spells. So. Uh huh. Yikes. 

And I still need to nap frequently.

Eh. Pfft. More than a year and a half in from my lowest, wow I am going to die point, and I'm still developing, still healing, still an evolving disaster. Fascinating. That shit is serious yo. Someone should probably investigate shit like that.

Swimming today. Pushed it a bit. A bit wobbly. A bit tired. A pretty unimpressive 600m in the pool for today. With a couple of sprints. Still. 600m. Closing in on half a mile. I am horribly out of shape. When I was a pre teen I used to do half miles without thinking, 1 mile when I was trying, and 2 miles if I was super pushing it. 2 mile is gruelling tbh and not fun. You do it for the achievement, not the lols. Even 1 mile is, eh, meh, so so. Rubber legs.  I am not measuring per se. But despite not measuring. I think I am going to aim at getting to half a mile. That's 32 lengths in a half size pool.

Today I did 24 lengths. And a whole bunch of tarting around, floating, treading water, stretching, chilling, getting my breath back.

Not super smartly I decided to sprint the last length before getting out.

Uh huh.

In the changing room, I bent my knee slightly to put my jeans on. The knee almost didn't want to straighten up again. Yeah. No. Wobble. Fuck you. Let's sit down instead. Ha ha.

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