Aug 11

 It's late. And I can't sleep.

My brain refuses to let me sleep, caught up in spirals of thought and conversations.

I've been talking to myself quite a bit again of late. It's not usually a good sign. I can get lost talking to myself. So deep. So involved. That I lose track of everything else. What I am doing. Time. My environment.

There was a time I used to do this whilst walking the dogs late at night. Tromping around the woods at midnight talking to myself non stop unaware of my surroundings.

Most often it made me feel worse by the end of it. A tightly spiralling conversation, pushing boundaries and thoughts, arguments and imaginary conversations.

I learned to associate it with not being quite right in the head. It always foreshadowed my mood worsening and my mental health stuttering.

Anyway.

My brain refuses to let me sleep. A number of slow burning things taunting me. My health which wavers from one hour to the next. This evening, feeling a bit better, I decided to take a look at my broken shower. After 10 minutes of tinkering with it I felt sick. Shaky legs. Nauseous. And as the minutes ticked by, it got worse, demanded I stop, lie down. So I did. And recovered somewhat.

But it is alarming. An alarming sign of just how shaky I am. I still don't know what it means.

Athena getting older. Week by week. She is doing so well. But little by little she fades from me. Stumbles more. Slows down even more. Can't pick up a ball anymore. Tick. Tock. Time passes. She fades. She was slower and more clumsy than ever today. She was fine. But. You can see it. She trips. She is tired. And if I let it. If I stop and even slightly consider it. It hurts.

Ares follows me around - in spirit. I am still processing his loss. And what it means. What life means. What loss means. I have no answers for it. At times I feel utterly hopeless about it. At times it fades out of view, and mercifully perhaps, it stops haunting me for sometime. But it is always there. I don't know what that means either. It is nearly one year ago to the day that I lost him. I miss him terribly. I am grateful Athena is still here. I am aware I will lose her too very soon.

I feel lost in many ways. Unsure of where I am. What's going on. Unable to process so much. I feel so often now just lost in a sea of baggage and memories. A broken down junker of fucked up experiences and sadness. The positive side of life seems not to penetrate far for me. My pictures are all shades of black. Perhaps I lack the capability to perceive little else. A super flaw. Maybe I see too much. A realist. A nihilist. But ironically. I can cherish love where I find it. And can ache over the loss of Ares. I am not an unfeeling participant in a nihilistic world. I am a horribly feeling being in a cold uncaring universe. Why is it so shitty ?

And finally.

Of people.

It turns out my conversation at the weekend about how to help struggling people had an unintended side effect. It caused an argument out of my presence. My friend had felt attacked. Upset that he had been ganged up on. I had tried to reassure him that he was not a bad person, and he was a good dude trying to do the best thing. But eh.

What do you do in such a situation. Person A is struggling. And being lambasted by Person B. You have seen this play out countless times before. It is common. People offer advice. Are worried for their friends. But in turn become frustrated when their friends cannot act. Cannot seem to take their advice. And advice turns to lambasting. Beating them down. And in the end is just yet another stick they are being beaten with - one that will make them feel bad about themselves. You're doing a bad job. You suck. Do better.

You see this. And understand what is going on.

If you say nothing, Person A walk away with an even heavier load to carry.

Saying nothing is.. relatively easy. It costs you nothing. You offend no one. You have committed no mistake - at least no mistake that can be seen.

It also abandons that person to a worse hell. One that you can see. And understand. And mitigate. But choose not to.

Say nothing. Do not get involved. Let fate go where it will. You are but a tiny player that cannot stand against the tide anyway.

But that's also shit. You do not help, when you could help. You know better. Rarely placed to know better. To understand how to do better.

Doing nothing is.. cowardice ? Unhelpful. Morally dubious ? Tricky. Arguable.

So then you say something. Speak up. Defend them.

And end up upsetting Person B. Who becomes defensive. You end up causing an argument between two others.

Whichever choice you make - hold your tongue or speak out, someone gets hurt. Albeit the person in crisis - Person A is the one that super matters. The other person, Person B. They can cope.

So what do you do ?

I don't know. My instinct is to withdraw. Shut my mouth. Yes I can see a lot of shit that goes on. I can read people. I know when people are suffering. The common paths to hell. I am not a bad shake at psychology and therapy and navigating the many many bullshit levels that life has. The curse of which is, you can often see the flaws. You can often see the answers.

But communicating that is hellishly difficult. You cannot just state them matter of fact. It rarely works. People are tricky. And sensitive. You must be diplomatic. And careful. And understand everyones unique flaws and what they do and dont work well with. It is complex. And gives rise to an inordinately complicated life full of emotional tugs of war. It is The Price in dealing with such shit.

In the past, when I was less fucked. I used to pay that price without thought. As the years haved passed and I have become more burned out, I now waver at that price. Refuse to pay it for those I don't know. Am cautious in those I barely know. But ultimately. I still always offer a hand. Whoever they are. Which. You can argue. Is stupid. I put others above me.

So my instincts now can be to withdraw. At any difficult. Or resistance. Just. Shut your mouth. People often need to learn their own lessons anyway. But still. If you can help, and do not ? That is hard.

I apologised to the person who took the brunt of the argument. I should have kept my mouth shut. I know full well what the defensive person is like. I should have either not raised it at all, or been significantly more careful about my approach. They said I had done nothing wrong. It was the other person being defensive. And argumentative. And they are indeed like that. But. It's still not an excuse. I should know that. And factor that in.

No one is perfect. Everyone has their shape. And things they are good at. And things they are bad at. Part of knowing that shit. The burden of being able to see that bullshit is anticipating that. Is someone fair ? No. Are they right ? No. But it doesn't matter. YOU know what they are like. And should adjust accordingly. Failure to take into account their outlook. Their negatives. And positives. Is a failure to communicate correctly on my part.

It's a hard ask.

Back to the situation. It remains the same. Person A in crisis. Person B now defensive about understanding they have inadvertently made it harder.

Perhaps in such circumstances, all round it would have been better to shut my mouth. No matter what you end up doing, you don't often get thanks. Not that it's about thanks.

Difficult.

Other things came up. How people can get stuck. Everyone gets stuck. Stuck in ruts of their own making. At some point they cannot, will not, move from their rut. The rationalisations are myriad. And sketchy. And defended vigourously when challenged.

Again. Do you challenge them knowing them to be bullshit ? Or let sleeping dogs lie.

The shrinks tend to do the latter. They know the cost of doing the former. But they nudge, slowly, and subtly, a poor shadow of challenging them. Designed not to inflame. And allow them to go home without a heavy burden of dealing with peoples shit on their shoulders.

I used to be not that smart. And I still tend to be not that smart.

I think. In the end. I will hold my tongue. Shut up. Shut down. No one really wants to know the truth anyway. And those that are lost, and losing it. My advice is to seek professional help. And I then shut up.

But that's not my way. It goes against the grain of helping. We shall see how long my non interference plan lasts in the face of others suffering.

I went for a walk this evening to let Athena play, and, also, to talk to Hazel about the situation.

I know Hazels shape and what she brings to the table. Quick to be brutal. Often absolutist.

She listened to what I had to say, and offered her own take on it. Which exactly duplicated what I had said. At least to her mind, my analysis and how to deal with those in crisis was absolutely spot on.

But she had more to say. That I should reveal more of what I know. Get it out there. Be brutal.

I. Cannot. Do. That.

It would be like dropping a nuclear bomb.

You have to she said. That person needs to know that mistake. Who else is going to tell them ?

I. Cannot. Do. That.

It consequences would be profound. And I would be at ground zero, with the detonator in my hand, should someone very easily claim me to have it.

Killing the messenger because of the message.

I told Hazel I could not do it. The players in that would have to get there themselves. I would not cause such destruction, even though true, I could not do it. They would have to figure it out.

Overall. Tricky. And something I am far from happy about.

Beyond those difficulties. You can see the paths of people entwined into the future. The patch jobs of relationships that paper over difficulties to come to some compromise. Or hide a fear of abandonment. Of desperation. Of quiet suffering. Of traumas and mental health crises. Pushing people together and apart. Chaos. Rarely planned. So much chaos. So many secrets and decisions that should be made, but don't get made. Fear.

But for a lot of that. I do indeed keep my mouth shut. People *especially* don't want to know those futures. The kids that are designed to hold a failing relationship together. And then break anyway. The awkward compromises out of fear.

Ho hum.

It's people. The.. "rich".. tapestry that is the flawed chaos of people.

Being able to see it isn't particularly great.

Can't help it. I have little choice.

Listen to the words. The little digs. The little remarks. The body language. And it is written clearly. I often think we all of us know the future, or how the future should be. But our rationalising minds refuse to accept it. More of that bullshittery of accepting the writing on the wall. The thing that can cause people to fall into a mental breakdown. The inability to accept that which they cannot - without a major traumatic event.

I think our higher thinking selves can often paint themselves into corners they cannot get out of again. An error in the program. A fault in the code. The only way out, is to push the power button. Turn it off. And on again. But sometimes. It's just off. And never comes on again.

Life. People.

I can see why people just take up jigsaw puzzles. A whole lot less messy.

Really. I should just. Try to stop noticing shit. It's so hard though. The slightest of flinches gives away so much. Ho hum.

Anywho. Pfft.

Swimming tomorrow ? Maybe ? I need to fix my shower first.. assuming I can do it without feeling ill.

Yay.