Aug 12

 Yesterday was not a great day.

I spent the majority of it feeling ill. That familiar nausea / tired / vaguely flu like kind of ill.

And I couldn't go swimming. I dragged myself out feeling unwell, only to get there and find the pool was full.

Shit.

So I got lunch came home, felt generally ill all round.

And the day passed in a haze of unwell and dozing.

Ho hum.

This morning I got up like the undead. A groaning gasp of ugggghhhhhh as I lifted myself up. Holy. Shit. Do I feel rough. Showered. Thought about returning to bed. Stayed up. Felt like shit.

Got an invite for tea with a friend, yeah, lets do that. But I was flat. Miserable. Feeling ill. Lets hope going out makes me feel better.

It did. Slowly I warmed up. Felt better.

Hmmm.

Is that it ? A bit of company ? A bit of a chat ? Remembering to eat something ? Is that the cure ?

Or is it being out of the house ?

Or is it none of the above, just the ebb and flow of bullshit.

I don't know.

I got asked today where I was relationship wise. Looking. Or not.

Ha ha.

I couldn't reply immediately. They interpreted that as me not being comfortable.

No no. I am an open book. Ask me any question, I have no secrets.

It was more like trying to articulate why the notion of looking for relationships for me was so spectacularly bad.

I have zero to offer. Who on earth would want a relationship with a burn out like me ? It wouldn't be fair on them. I have no motivations or ambitions. I am dead to all intents and purposes.

So you're happy on your own ?

Ah ha ha. No.

I can go either way. Happy in or out of a relationship. It does seem like I need some adjustment time one way or the other however. I cannot - without a few bumps - transition from one to the other in quick succession. I guess I get used to either having company, or not having company. But. Nothing crazily unbearable. For once. Just a fairly normal reaction - I think.

I think I am clearly happier with someone to bumble around with than not. As I've got older it's much more just about the companionship than anything else. Someone you can chill out with. And share shit with. And be there for. I don't think being on my own is good for me.

We can adapt and cope with lots of stuff. We are smart and strong. We can all deal with so much shit. And I am fine being on my own.

But it doesn't mean you're thriving. Or that it's good for you.

Like a houseplant that is put in the wrong place, it may survive but be sickly and weak, its growth stunted. Put it somewhere it likes, and watch it thrive.

I think that's true about so much of our lives. We can cope with a lot. But that doesn't mean you should, or should have to.

Anyway.

The upshot is I wouldn't wish me as a relationship on anyone. For sure I am not all negatives. I am caring and empathetic. Not a dickhead in short. I am sensitive to people and mental health and ups and downs and understand how hard life can be. So. I think in that sense. I am good. I'm also good at loving ( definitely ) and being loved ( ish ). Not possessive. Be free. But everything else. Just a hollow shell. Burned out. Tired. Ill. Marking time. I don't want to see the world. Or experience new things. My energy level is just so far below that. More often than not I am concentrating on breathing. Not my next air ticket.

Perhaps I am doing myself a disservice. I can't tell. I know I am hard on myself. Why would anyone want any of that shit ? But as I like telling others - but not myself - I am very happy with someone else just being them. Not for what they can do. Or what their career looks like. Or money. Or fame. Or anything. Just. Them. Being them. Is wonderful enough. A unique, living being. That you can talk to. With its own experiences and insights, quirks, humour, sadness and everything. A part of the universe awake and contemplating itself. Which is amazing. No matter what job - or no job - that it may have.

I don't rate my relationships with dogs based on what they do. Whats your income bracket Athena. How much do you help around the house ? Where do you see yourself in 5 years ? What ambitions do you have ?

Utterly stupid.

I love Athena for being Athena. That's it.

I can very much do the same thing for people.

It is curious that we can often load people down with far more expectations. And be unhappier with them. And yet find joy in a dog with no expectations.

It says something about mindset. Societal indoctrination. Peer pressure. Unfair expectations.

Sad. In a way. That we can be so judgemental of each other.

So I am not. I appreciate people just for who they are.

They say that sometimes you don't realise what you have, until you lose it. I think that goes particularly well with people. Be careful of those expectations. They can be ruinous.