Aug 18

 Napped today. Which turned into a 2.5 hour sleep. It's impossible to tell whether I am sleeping because I need it ( I am pretty much always tired ) or, it's the insidious meds that make you sleepy. 

An alarm snapped me out of the "nap".

Time for a swim. I didn't want to miss it.

I thought very seriously about not bothering. The tug to just either go back to sleep or slowly wake up and not bother was incredibly strong. As is often the way with me, I gritted my teeth and out of sheer bloody mindedness shrugged it off and decided to go.

It's quite fascinating the level of pull that is there. And the level of "not listening to yourself/believing yourself" is required to overcome it. I have very much learned to take every instinct, feeling and need I have with an enormous pinch of salt. It's not a sensible course. Because it's very debatable how much harm you're doing by ignoring the warning messages. It's not crying wolf so much as, can you get away with ignoring that wolf. Very. Tricky. And sometimes ignoring it makes things better. Sometimes it doesn't. No way to tell which until it's too late. And even then, you may not know.

Running around blind in a dark room hoping not to smash your shin on a table.

Nice.

The swim was nice. And good for me. So pretty sure I made the right call this time to ignore my pull to rest. And I didn't swim a huge amount. Another 25 lengths. A lot of idling just enjoying floating around. I actually zoned out a number of times and was suddenly hit with a childhood memory of doing exactly the same, entranced by the glittering light on the waves. See. That'll be that hyper fixation malarkey again. I get this *a lot*. Particularly with light that moves.

And. Just like then. You snap out of it - unaware of how long you've been staring into space ( it helps that without glasses my vision is blurred to shit ) - and realise someone probably thinks you've been staring at them. Ah. No. Really. I can't see you anyway, you're just a smudge. I am instead lost in the pretty pretty lights. Heh.

So. I think. Here's a trick which you could probably trap me. Stick a comfy chair next to a window that has light playing through a large tree(s). Then watch me zone out. Anything I think with a glittering light thing - that isn't horrendously bright.

Think I might make another lemon lime drizzle cake. Bought some more butter ( holy crap is there a lot of butter in it ). Idly considering how to make such "plain" sponge cakes more pretty. Without going to the lengths of nasty "this is edible honestly" crap on top of them.

The conversation my friend had with me about whether I was looking for a relationship continues to rattle around my head. Still feeling it out in my head. Mostly around whether I'm worthwhile or not. Why would anyone want a burnout like me ? But I realise the way I am framing it is kind of telling others what they can or cannot do with me, ie, I am not worth it, therefore you should absolutely not be interested in me. Which. I mean. Sure. But also. It's somewhat dickish. More accurately it's a fear. An anxiety. I worry that I would no good for anyone else. I absolutely put someones wellbeing above mine. And I worry about my impact on them. People are adults. And can make their own decisions. I have been inadvertently dictating shit to them on that score instead. This also leans into the whole, and I am not very good at seeing my worth, which others, some assure me, do. A comment was made to me that "I wish you could see yourself like I see you". Meant in a positive way, ho ho, not, you're an asshole.

Like I say. Thinking it through. Not sure where I end up with it.