Aug 19
More sleeping. A 4 hour nap this time. It has started me thinking.
Took Athena out for an earlier walk today, hit up our current favourite place, water, trees, lots of people and doggos to interact with. She likes it there. When we are on our own she's considerably more subdued and sticks to me more. Don't get me wrong, she loves having a splash and an investigate, but yeah. She stumbles quite often. She's good. But getting really old. Bitter sweet. She can be so low key now. A couple of just about walking babies said hello to her. And she's very good with them.
I found myself zoning out a little in a beautiful spot with water and shade, and thinking of terrible futures ( the slow death of everything ). Jeez. Even in the nicest of places. The shadows can find me. I snapped out of it. Stop it. Fuck face. And I did. But the shadows linger. Tainting everything with its chilly tendrils that dog my steps. The problem is, that they're not wrong. Not stupid. Not illogical. They're just. A lot. Too much. Focused. Athena gets older. I get older. I will lose Athena. Life will change. Shit's going to get worse. Circling the drain in so many exciting ways. And on. And on. None of it is untrue. It's just. Brutal. And I don't do ignoring truths. Which is so stupid. But it's who I am. ( fucked up ).
My Sister would call ths festering.
Ho hum.
Got home. Napped for four hours.
Anyway. Naps. I am wondering whether the mental meds combined with the CFS are pushing me into that constant need for naps. I've kinda realised there is a pattern to it. About 4 hours or so after taking my mental meds I get peak nap pull. The futher away I get from having taken them. The less napping I feel like.
Of course. This is also what the CFS people said would happen. Rest before you do something. Rest after you do something. And it certainly can play out that way. I often nap after swimming.
Still. I am wondering if shifting the time I take my meds may make a difference. I have fucked about with this in the past - from morning to evening. But. Now I think about it. It may be more nuanced. Given a time lag of lets say, 4 hours, perhaps I should be taking them early evening. Say 7pm. Maybe. The problem here of course is your metabolism is not linear. It speeds up and slows down depending on the time of day and what you're doing. Go to sleep, and it slows to a trickle. Wake up and do something and it speeds along. So saying, one period of 12 hours is not the same as another shifted period of 12 hours. It's more about what you're doing in those 12 hours.
Eh. Meh. So. Hmm. I think I will try shifting my med timing to 7pm. This. In theory. Should mean my peak sleepiness will kick in.. somewhere north of midnight ? The problem is I think it will probably extend the time it floats around in my chemistry. Meaning mornings could become super difficult.
Eh well. I'll give it a go.
So. Onto something dear to my heart. One of my tricky, current, core bits of me.
My pull towards people.
I find boundaries increasingly hard. When I can talk to someone. And connect. I get a few very strong emotions that rise. The first is that I am an asshole. I've talked too much. I've gone too deep. What the fuck is wrong with me. I should talk less. See less. Say less. What the fuck do I know anyway. You know you're nuts right. So far off into the bushes you can't even see the path anymore. More of that later.
The second emotion that rises is bonding. I don't want to let that connection go. Stay. Please. Talk. Let me see who you are. Where you are. Let me experience everything that you are. It's probably quite fucked up. I have to leash it hard. It's a complex mix of empathy, love, delight, desire and sadness. If we stick our super duper analysis hat on, it's probably a manifestation of loneliness. Not loneliness as in, ooh, I need someones company. But loneliness on a ... metaphysical... emotional... spiritual... kind of angle. For want of a better way of putting it. Touching someones soul. If you put an even more deeper and basic hat on. It could be the shadow of my parents neglect, and me then forevermore trying to find people to connect to, to fill that gaping hole.
I. Cannot get enough of it. It's like crack to me. The deeper I get, the better it is. Ish. Depending on the person. But no matter who you are. Finding your shape. Listening to your heartbeat. It gives me a zing that I don't get from anything else.
I have always been this way. I got tickles of it when I was a teenager. Fascinated with people who could talk - at that point - psychology with me, Freud, Jung. Basics.
And then the big whammy was people I could talk to from all over the world. Different minds. Different backgrounds, cultures, perspectives. And falling deep down a rabbit hole of love with an amazing - and deeply flawed - mind.
I think ever since then. I have been chasing that high. I know what an amazing experience I get from knowing people. All those different souls. They are all interesting. And lovely. But some. Are like the rarest of diamonds.
It has I think also coloured my romantic relationships quite a lot. The running joke with some people that know me, say that I have a type. The type is crazy. Difficult. Fucked up. I. Don't deny it. And I defend it. It's not about being fucked up. It's about them having something to say. Those people have different perspectives. See stuff beyond the normal. They are interesting. And have interesting things to say and relate. They are complicated. And switched on. In different ways. And yes. They're also, pretty much, flawed. And fucked. And traumatised. Often majorly so, with their own categories in the DSM. There is very likely a connection there. Touching the dark changes their perceptions and who they are. Perhaps that's my type. Dark touched to be poetic about it.
Now I think about it harder. People with no issues. No insights. Happy. Settled. Pushing no boundaries. I can find interesting. But not interesting. Content with their lot. With no need to look further. Great for them. Less interesting for me. Is that my fucky kink ? Hmm. People content in that bubble that then loudly shout others down, ignore or belittle those that have different experiences. Uh huh. That's my anathema. I call those kind of people, dickheads. Hmmm.
But this isn't just a romantic thing. Although I do admit I find it wayyy easier talking to someone who isn't a dude. Is that me ? Or them ? Dudes are a different animal. That being said. I have connected with a lot of guys. And in two very outstanding cases, got very deep with them. And yeah. You can get that odd, confusing, deep, close connection, that starts to make them question their sexuality ( in one case I had to reassure the wife that I was not after her husband ! ). But it isn't a sex thing. It's an emotional thing. But it isn't super obvious. The lines can be fuzzy deep down there. Love is love.
In any case. Connecting with people - dark or not, is enticing to me.
It's a struggle for me to suppress. I have to stomp on it hard. Kill it. Enforce a boundary. Do not. Stray too far. Into their head. Leave them. The fuck. Alone.
Don't get me wrong here. It's never a one way interaction. A manipulation. Or any shit like that. That would be just. Horrific.
But people are people. I. Understand. To some extent. How people in general work. And I kinda know better. Areas where .. there are things in their lives.. that if disturbed would cause great upset. Change. Just about everyone has things they guard. Fear to go. Leave in a status quo. Sometimes suppressed. An inner fight, an uncomfortable truth. And even just observing them. Sometimes causes them to come out into the light. With devastating consequences. Processing of trauma. Failing relationships. Who they are. In the long run, it's good for the person. They grow. But. Oh boy. In the short term. It can be pain. And misery. And the older and more burned out I get, the more I realise sometimes, it's just better to let the shit settle, than stir it up to clean it out.
This definitely holds true the older you get. The older you get, the harder it is to change. At some point. It becomes better the devil you know. Which is sad. But. Ho hum. Realistic.
Once upon a long ago. When I was young. And full of enthusiasm. And stupidity. And helpfulness. I would go around and find these inner turmoils. And work them out. Always. To a fault. Purging Them Is Good ! I ended up - inadvertently - destroying relationships, careers, all sorts. Not because of some machiavellian plan. But just by talking to people. And getting them to realise what they actually wanted. Depending on your point of view this either sounds terrible, or wonderful. It's tricky. I think, people should grow. Be more aware of who they are. What they want. What others mean to them. It is a path to being happier. It is a path that actively avoids dark holes. But it's not easy. It takes energy. And pain. And more likely than not destroys the previous - shitty - status quo.
Somewhere around 15 years ago, I kinda stopped doing that. I no longer had the energy. And no longer wanted to be continually beaten up for it. And realised sometimes it was better to just let sleeping dogs lie. Is it truly better to let sleeping dogs lie ? I think in some rare cases, it absolutely is. By and large it is not. But it's an easy rationalisation to tell yourself you don't have to help. The bigger rationalisation also is, that people have to work this through themselves. Which is true. But. Again. You can actively help. Or just stand and watch.
Eh. Tricky.
Anyway. Back to me.
I love seeing people. I mean. Seeing Them. Seeing all their amazingness, their flaws, their fears, their quirks. I find it hard, when I connect with someone, to enforce a boundary and not go too far. Hard. But I always achieve it. *cough*. Mostly. For me seeing someone naked is the ultimate thing of all. Almost impossible of course. But some you get closer to, some you don't.
I think. This is a bit of a problem. Switching this off in me, killing all awareness of others. Is nothing something I can achieve. I can certainly dull it down. Switch off interest. Zombie out. But then I will glide through life. Not really interacting. Half asleep. And I already have great difficulty with that anyway - I can diassociate hardcore. Drift off. Unreal. I think. Switching that awareness off in me, would be tantamount to letting go of a rope that holds me bobbing closer to .. being a normal person. But at the same time. It's very not normal.
I don't know. Perhaps. Bottom line. When it comes down to it. It's just one long diatribe about wishing I was more normal. See less. Be like a normal fucking person. That watches Eurovision. And complains about the football.
Hmm. I'll stop waffling on here. But to be sure, I have only scratched the surface of this. And left some trickier things out. I'm a simple animal in a way. The thing I find most entrancing, I am utterly entranced by. And all the rules, and boundaries, and other abritrary human bullshit seems nonsensical to me in that state. Floating around. In a different alternative world. It doesn't fit in this world. And can cause problems.
Hmm.
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