Aug 22

 Nephew came up for a suprise visit today. Was that ok ? Say if not.

Sure it's ok. But. Just dont expect the house to be anything but a bomb crater. Or me to not flake out. I didn't want him to waste his time or not enjoy himself.

So I spent the morning trying to tidy a little. Did a bit. Felt ill. Rest. Did a bit. Felt ill. Rest. Repeat.

Pop quiz.

Why do somethings exhaust me really quickly and make me feel ill. And other things ( swimming ) not so much.

I have no clue.

Tidying up definitely makes me ache really badly in short order. Swimming does not. Odd.

Is it some bullshit posture thing ? Weight ? Spinal ? Just Because ?

No idea.

I'm glad I've gone swimming though. It provides a counterpoint to being incapable, to being a little more capable. Saying that. Maybe it's a sustained effort thing. Zero stamina. Two lengths in a pool in a crawl without a pause is tiring. Four is tough. Intersperse it with some rest, or a slower stroke, and it's mostly ok.

I dunno. Mysteries.

He had a stop start journey up, so we went for a walk with Athena to stretch his legs. He said he didn't mind. I thought some walking in green spaces would be good for him.

So we did that, came home, and played a game we both had wanted to play for sometime. Was at it for a good 6 hours or more.

I hung up the washing inbetween - started to feel like shit. Take it easy. Rest. Kept playing the game.

By the end of the day I was tired as hell. And ached all over. Even with painkillers. Hmmm.

Not sure what to make of it. On the one hand, I made it through the day. On the other hand it was tough, tiring, and made me super achey. My back was a mess.

Athena as ever was a perfect citizen. Lovely. Slightly cheeky. Very curious. And very laid back. Even with a super aggro little doggo with short man syndrome. Weirdly the owner approached Athena - with her mutt bouncing off the lead barking and snapping, only to shoo Athena off. Athena was stationary, unfussed and very low energy. Too old for that shit. She got the message and plodded away unhurriedly. No big deal. But such a weird energy from the other owner. "I'm a problem, I'm gonna come to you, and get in your face, deal with it ! You should back away !". In a park easily a few miles across in all directions. Mmm k. Weird. Surely you'd do the opposite if your dog is being an absolute assface ? I think some people are just generally shit in handling problem dogs, or are at the root of the problems in their dogs. The saying always goes, it's not the dog, it's the owner. Eh. Mm. With the best will in the world, I know that isn't always true. But sometimes you can see it more clearly that it definitely is the owner.

Ares could be a problem dog with other dogs more often than not. He and Athena were like chalk and cheese. But you get to know them. Do your best with them. And learn how to handle stuff, and defuse the worst of it. Dogs are absolutely single minded if they get locked on something, and it's usually about breaking that single minded focus when it's snapped on something unwanted. Be it food, prey, or that dog over there which needs sorting out. The boxer rescue society told me straight when Ares was very young - he'll always have it in him, but you can train him and control him. Which is why in the end, Ares was trained to within an inch of his life. The absolute most best behaved doggo ever. Certainly miles ahead of curious free spirit Athena. Poor Ares. Such a lovable laid back cuddle bug. He got a lot more free time as he got older, time off lead to do as he pleased. He slowed up an awful lot in his last few years.

Anyway. So. I think I kinda have experience with problem dogs. Ares taught me a lot. And I can see when others go wrong. Tricky. People are people. Imperfect. Flawed. Lacking in insight. Lacking in personal honesty. That's not a put down. Just. How it is. If you kinda hate that, eh, it can make liking people in general very hard.

Nephew has gone home, opted not to stay the night - had to be back at work somewhat early, so, eh, better to probably do the journey home in the evening and have an easier morning with no rush hour.

Which was probably sensible all round. I was ok by the end of the day, but definitely burned out. I just can't maintain shit anymore.

I still honestly think I am circling the drain. Some major health thing is catching up to me, and at some point, it will overtake me and sink me. I vary between being concerned about this and sanguine. More sanguine because really I'm not enjoying myself anyway. On so many levels. Not from a life ambition thing - none. Not from a just happy to be here thing - suffering. Not from a well at least I feel ok thing - always ill or tired. I'm ok just... coaxing out dregs of capability. But at the same time. I'm not grasping onto it for dear life. I'd be more than ok with it all just stopping. It would be a relief.

Sticky. Arguably. You might say all life is better than no life. Even one filled with pain. At least you're still existing. Still experiencing. Eh. Uh huh. On the other hand. Perhaps there are indeed fates worse than death. Lingering in a permanent state of suffering at one level or another is... not good. Detrimental to everything.

This is going to be quite sick and perverse. But the other day I got a small spike of excitement about the possibility of dying. Oh. That would be nice. No more suffering. Also. Ooh, what comes next ( nothing ), but ooh, I get to check it out anyway. It felt. Nice.

"I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had..."

Yep.

Ho hum.

Ask me again next week. Maybe I will have an animal instinctual fear of death again. Although. I think it's more of a fear of a horrible death. Not death itself. But who can say for sure.

Cheery end to todays post. Ha.

Anyway. It was good to see the nephew. Really enjoyed the game. Didn't enjoy my flagging and aching like a bitch. But eh. Also. I ate like shit today. Had an apple. A milkshake. Another apple. And finally some chicken and potatoes as 9pm rolled around.

What do you mean 2 apples and a milkshake is not sustenance for an entire day ? Pfft.

I know. I don't do a good job of looking after my shitty self. It just kinda. Drifts away. Unimportant.

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