Aug 26

 Could not sleep last night.

Annoying.

I also forgot to take my mental meds.

Oops. I uh. May pay for that.

Perhaps that didn't help the sleep situation. The main cause was a brain that would not switch off. The conversations of the day filled my head. My nephew, my brother, my friend, another friend.

In the past heavy shit has not bothered me. I could walk ungrazed through a minefield. This is fine. I am not sure if it's me, even heavier subject matter, or just a growing weight of responsibility, but it seems these days I am not always unaffected. And often it's post event. Post conversation. It ticks over in my head. And I need to offload.

Don't get me wrong. I don't regret doing what I do. And given a second chance at a situation, I'd do the same thing again.

It's just that I am not as untouchable as I used to be. Situation dependent.

Mmm.

There's also a recurring theme cropping up slowly over the last few years.

That for all my very clever thinking and foresight - if I do say so myself - there are times when it is not enough. And I absolutely do not know which way is the right path. I have lots of data. But it is complicated and interwoven and filled with damned if you do and damned if you dont choices. And things I cannot find solutions for.

This is somewhat challenging for me. I am used to outthinking everything that matters. Figuring it out. Not figuring out shit can leave me uncomfortable. This Is Part Of Who I Am. The (over?) Thinking Machine. The Cruncher of Problems. The Dissecter of Shit.

Don't get me wrong here, firstly, there is plenty of shit I don't know and have no clue about, I am not for one minute saying I am the bigliest bigly of ever, people often tell me I am the greatest bigly, and can I interest you in a red maga hat. No. Secondly I am not - I don't think.. probably.. - some manic must solve obessionist. I am very in tune with the whole, not all problems have solutions malarkey. Very zen. It's one of my favoured little quips. Typically to pop the happy hollywood balloon of all endings are eventually wonderful. They aren't. Fuck you.

But for all that. I am well used to being pretty capable in the brain gunge department. To a fault. And so when there are times when it really super duper matters and I do not have the answer. And don't know which way is better. Mmmm.

It's a proper shot across my bows. A humbling, ha, fuckface, figure that out smartass, experience.

1) I can't figure out what's wrong with me. Fuck you.

2) I find little peace in the, do nothing hurt person A, do something hurt person B, choose your trolley problem solution. Except the trolley problem is real. It's people you know. And it's here. Now. Go.

3) Same as 2) but extended into others worlds. Now you are one step removed, but the same problem. This also has a bonus fall out stage that you can then also get roped in and blamed for a situation that is not your doing. Too late. You're now here. This is the price of helping.

I understand no one can do everything. We're all flawed. Doesn't mean I constantly try to figure shit out and do better.

I dunno. It's just me coming up against some interesting limitations and boundaries where I am not wholly used to finding them.

Of course it's all to do with people. People are in some ways, simple and predictable, one thing leads to another, and in a whole bunch of other ways, hideously complicated, with no answers, contradictions, endlessly cascading feedback loops. Simple and impossibly tricky, all at once.

A journey. You learn. You try and adapt. A never ending journey. Always shit you don't know. The important thing to remember I guess is always take what you know with a pinch of salt. Be confident when you are sure, but also know, even the most grounded of sure things, can end up being wrong. History is nothing but an ever changing quicksand of What Is Fact. The universe. Revolves around the Earth. Earth is flat. Terra incognita.

Also. There has to be an acceptance. Even when you lend just a listening ear. There can be consequences and burdens you will bear for that.

After thinking long and hard - during my lack of sleeping - I came up with one scenario which was ugly as all fuck. Wading into the center. Sitting down. Being adults. Trying to pull it altogether to sort it out. And with the absolute understanding that it was social suicide. No thanks from anyone. Just venom. And in many ways I did not belong there. But the other options would be to watch a sadness unfold without trying.

Sanguine ( if only ) about the fate of others. Or do you intervene.

Ah. We're back to the trolley problem again.

I am still not sure.

I am dithering. I do not know the right path. That any of them are a good path.

OH JUST FUCKING CHOOSE ONE THEN. GAH.

No. Just because it's difficult, and no real solution, doesn't then mean you approach it in a tantrum of sulking and huffily just pick one. Because.

For the moment, all these whirling problems have time to them. They are not right now, this minute, this second.

But they soon will be. Or could soon be. At any moment.

For now. I think. I will continue processing. Do my best to chill. Do my best to offload. And continue to be there for those in need.