Aug 28

 A lot slower start yesterday, a deeper hole to climb out of, some creeping symptoms in the morning, wobbly legs, general feeling of meh.

But it lifted. And I had a third good day. But the difference of morning to the rest of the day was notable. Fascinating. Again, just like a switch. On - weird symptoms, feel like shit, blah. Off - all good.

So, feeling good yesterday, I started doing some hardcore tidying up. I looked critically at the front bedroom. Started making a list of things to do. Which ended up with me doing a run out to the dump to get rid of a bunch of crap. Come home, and do some more lower level dumping.

Whoa. In the bigger picture this is a fairly pathetic level of Doing Shit. It's hardly on the scale of clearing a house for a whole day. It's a single run to the tip. And pottering around throwing other shit out for an hour.

For me it's a huge step up. I have a bit of mojo rekindled in me.

Which of course, as is the way, has a feedback effect. It make me feel more positive.

In the end I didn't over do it. Left a whole bunch of stuff pulled out in a state. But. I can do that another day. Pace myself.

I get a mood boost whenever I dump stuff out of the house. Which belies where my mindset is at. Declutter. Minimalise. I am hilariously not decluttered. But it's where I want to be.

Took Athena out in the evening at sunset for the most sublime walk. It was absolutely beautiful. And topped off a fantastic day. We met a very friendly lavatory door. Who also came over to me for a river soaked cuddle.




 

A fulfilling chilled day.

There was in the midst of it, a bit of a listening ear given. Someone double checking Were They The Asshole. No, you are most definitely not the asshole. High anxiety. Sad. Difficult. And they were wobbling. Due to (their) circumstances, all I could do was offer them a bit of a remote ear to listen to and comment when asked. Which was enough.

At the end of the evening I felt good. I could feel there was a little flame of fight kindled in me. A little bit of motivation. A little bit of pulling at the leash to do things. Fight the good fight. Bare those shoulders to carry a bit of weight.

Goodness.

Baby steps.

This time next week it will probably have vanished.

But even so. This is the best I have felt since... I don't know when. Years. Certainly pre major illness malarkey. It is of course somewhat fleeting. Not permanent. Never for a whole day. My best periods are usually during the evening. So. On a good day. On a spate of back to back good days. My high point is the evening. And I feel... more capable. Makes sense.

Eh well. Onwards and upwards. The possible new challenge will be, now don't fuck it up, keep it up, and try not to rebound all over people.

*post edit. It has been brought to my attention the term "lavatory door" is obscure. it is not an auto correct. lavatory door = labrador.

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