Aug 29

 Melancholy today.

This last week has been peculiar. The internal waters are definitely on the move. Turmoil perhaps.

Though you wouldn't know it from the outside.

My mental landscape has been shifting around a lot. My mood has gone up, far up. Then half back down again today. Its made me question a lot of my long term assumptions. Made me think about how my illness is progressing. Better than I thought ? Not perhaps circling the drain. Light at the end of the tunnel ?

But it has also made me aware of stuff I am lacking. Perhaps. Remove the ever present debilitating effects of illness, and your mind shifts to other perspectives. And question how much my mood has an effect on everything else.

So. In a bit of a funny state. Not one thing. Or the other.

I think I've realised something.

I'm hugely more isolated than I thought. And it has an enormous impact on me.

It is one I can deal with. And adapt to. And cope with.

But I think it is tremendously detrimental to me. Somewhere inside me, something is suffering very badly from ... loneliness. Which is not something I terribly associate myself with. Is it that I have just got so good at living with it, that I don't register it ? The ultimate form of self gaslighting ? Or is it just my mood twisting one way then the other, my emotions rolling along behind a wave of fucky brain chemicals ( apt at the moment, because, I have been fucking with my mental meds ).

I don't know. I suspect. I strongly suspect. I suppress my loneliness to a tee. Perfected. Controlled. Not a problem. Well done. You can function without. But. Deep down it has a massive impact. It kills the light.

It goes back to that conversation about relationships I think. That my friend asked about. Are you looking for a relationship.

I think that and a few long and deep conversations with them.

The end result is a seismic tremor. I think it's that. I could just be doing the classic seeking an external rationalisation for something that actually is created within. The whole, I feel like X, lets see if I can attach some bullshit external factor as to why that may be and then go ahead and believe my own bullshit. See reference - a whole bunch of fucky mental health problems and just generally part of the human condition.

I'm pretty sure it's not that though - the random grabbing at external factors. I'm pretty sure it IS the external factor.

So why the melancholy today ?

Why not ? Because it's Monday. Because there is a y in the day.

But also perhaps because after the high, there is a realisation of where I am. A huge hole of no contact, that when it has a little, suddenly puts into focus how little I have.

It's not a problem until you open the door, stick your head in, and hear the echo of the vast room beyond.

Pandoras box.

Maybe.

Tomorrow I may just be fine. But is that the much practiced control, or the genuine article ?

Thinking about it more. I think its a bunch of things. The realisation of all the possibilities out there. All the positive ones too. All those positive paths. Different lives. Happier places.

There's a lovely miserably down proverb associated with a grimdark game - "Hope is the first sign of weakness". There is a falsehood but also a truth in that. If you're hoping for something, you can often be acknowledging how shit things are. Ha ha. And when it ultimately fails. You're in a worse place than you were before. It's a riff that often pops up when literature starts waxing poetically about Hell. That for Hell to be truly terrible, its denizens must have hope.

I think understanding there are positive possibilities out there for me, genuinely, not just on paper, but actually feeling like they are possible, throws into contrast all the dark paths even more starkly. The light seems brighter when contrasted to the dark. And vice versa.

My friends fault. They have prodded me a bit around the subject. They are always positive for me. Aggressively cheerful on my behalf. Not in a horrible tone deaf way. In a positive way.

I love them for that.

But yeah. Also. Turmoil.

Secondary factors.

My melancholy is being influenced by others. This is a result of me being a smart ass. I can see where peoples paths lie.

Ohhh, you can't predict the future !

No. But sometimes. You pretty much can. For somethings. You can see the reactions people have. The choices they make. The conflicting emotions and.. the not so great calls they make on the back end of it. The ruts people get stuck in. So. Many. Ruts. At this point I think it's a universal part of being. That a person gets stuck in the rut they are in. Emotionally. Relationship wise. Career wise. Internally. It has so many variations. But always the same pattern. And it always has a negative effect on happiness. And people put up with it. Because people are strong. And adaptable. And capable. And they put up with being unhappy.

And it. Is. Sad.

Melancholic. To me. I see the tragedies, minor and major unfolding.

Also. I am fairly sure at this point that my friend is dealing with a partner who is Borderline Personality Disorder. A catchall term for a bunch of things. But they have a lot of the flags.

Ho hum.

My empathy is always a beast. It can be a problem. Too much. Tooooo much. Sometimes it behaves. Sometimes it does not. My empathy antennae are tuned in at the moment. And others sadness is my sadness. Not just in an academic, oh that's sad kind of way. But in an actual, fuck me, I feel that, in my stomach kind of way. A gift !

So all in all. Melancholic. It would be lovely to roam around with a magic whacking stick, and tap people on the head, and unstick them. Fix their woes. And see them trot on, fulfilled, happy, clear about their future. But you can't. Trying to do that is a long, slow and often painful process. No quick fixes. And sometimes. It's just not possible for many reasons. Like trying to park a 4x4 in the space of a motorcycle. It just doesn't fit. Not enough time. Not enough energy. Not enough motivation. Too high a trained reflex of deflection and evasiveness.

There is a simplicity in being a solitary hermit. All those issues fade away. You gain a new issue. Some form of loneliness somewhere. In the end it comes down to the old saw. Better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all. It is arguable.

Someone like my dad would vehemently disagree with it. See for reference why he cannot bring himself to own a pet. Especially a dog. In his own words, losing it would destroy him.

Sure. Very understandable. But also. You miss out on all the positives too.

Ultimately you can sit in a bunker. Switch off as many feelings and responsibilities as you can. In an effort to protect yourself against hurt. But it is self defeating. With each flick of a light to its off position, your world grows ever darker. And ever colder. You have the least possibility of wandering into a hurtful event if all the lights are off. But in its place you have willing placed yourself into an eternity of hurt anyway. Cold. Dark. Isolation. No joy. No possibility of good things.

It is an uncanny metaphor for life and death. Being alive means you can get hurt. Death brings an end to hurt. But also everything else.

I think ultimately the argument must be, that you accept that you can get hurt. Will get hurt. But along the way, you will also feel joy and love and lots of positive things. That, is life.

I'm not saying it's easy. Or nice. It is, what it is.

I think somewhere in there, all of it, is part of where my internal stormy seas are currently at. Resignation versus Hope. Sadness versus Joy. Isolation versus Bonding. Others compromises versus their fulfillment. Life versus Death. And also just how fucked up people are. And how simple a lot of it is to fix. But doesn't get fixed.

In other news. I make cake yesterday. Another lemon lime drizzle. This time with as punchy as I could get it drizzle. It was good.

 

Cake, I find, can often solve many problems. If only in the short term.

I was knackered making it. Truly tiring and started flaming up my symptoms. How very interesting. Perhaps it's a blood pressure thing ? Standing up mostly still for two hours ? Who knows.

My melancholy is making me subdued today. I want to be quiet. And alone ( but probably not really ). And sad.

Swimming later. I wonder if it will snap me out of it.

Experiment No. 42,673. Swimming. Its effects on mood. Go.

Sometimes, I absolutely hate how I am. The Machine.