Aug 6

 Today is ok. A smidge of nausea. A little off. But all in all, pretty good for the new normal.

Every day is a fight. Make no mistake. Every day I have to claw a semblance of wellness and normality from the maw of a shit day. I can feel it right on the edge. Tired. Ill that comes and goes. I have to motivate myself, do things that mitigate it, and try and stay upbeat. It's hard. It's tiring. But at the moment I am winning with it. But it does take its toll day after day. Some days. You're beaten before you start. The energy runs out and you have to flop.

Uh huh.

This week I came off my mental meds for a few days. Didn't super really mean to. But also kinda did.

This session of mental meds, which eh, I dunno, been on.. for 15 months at this point (?) .. have really super fucked with my libido. Perhaps it's because I am getting older and becoming less of a horny squirrel. Perhaps it's because ever since the Great Illness, the meds have.. changed... how they behave with me somewhat. Who knows. But don't get me wrong here. The mental meds always fucked with my libido, or, more accurately, my ability to orgasm. But this time around, they are wayyyy more suppressive.

The upshot is. Libido is down. Can't orgasm for shiiiiiiitttt. At all. Zip. Nada. The usual super fucking annoying, even when you are horny, you can't get anywhere with it malarkey.

Awesome sauce.

So I delayed a tablet. Because I wanted to see if it made a difference. It did. A tiny bit. Jerked off, orgasm. For like the first time in a long time. But. Mehhhhhhhhhh. Strangled. As it can be on those meds. Like someone suddenly throwing ice over your head at the peak moment.

I left it another day. Even better response. By the third day, just about kinda back to normal. Which. When you haven't orgasmed in months. Is pretty damn good. Hey. A normal orgasm ! Amazing. 1) that feels great. 2) It hasn't dropped off and rotted 3) I am not that old that I am just a dried out husk. As funny at that sounds, it's quite real. You wonder whether that's it. You've lost it. Dead inside.

So off the pills.

But then you run the risk of going mental. So after the third day of jerking off. I went back on the meds. And shut up orgasm shop. Again.

Ha. Meh.

Aside from the meds, and aside from all the other hilarious much more important bullshit going on with me, in the background I am getting older, and shit is starting to change. Like libido. In a perfect happy clappy world, where that was just about my only issue, it would likely be something to focus on. And do that whole, new experience, new stage of life malarkey. As it is. It hardly gets a look in.

But it does, just a little, make me realise that I am definitely changing with age. 

I am, on the quiet, a super sexual kind of person. Yeah I know what a kink list is. Yeah I have one. Yeah I've done XYZ and yada blah. For the most part, I just keep it locked up. And 99.9% of people absolutely don't know who I am in that respect. Or I keep it way on the down low. Maybe a few have an inkling. If it has an appropriate outlet, then it can run around like the degenerate it is. It has been part of me for the longest time. One of my core bits of me. But also something on a super short leash, no exceptions. And with age. That core bit of me is fading.

I am not super alarmed about it. But it does make me wonder how my "shape" will change. I think I already see it very slowly kicking in. A little bit slower. A little bit wiser. Less likely to bother. A bit of a higher level take on things. Once upon a time that shit was super important to me. Not as in a high five woo, hump everything in sight. But as in, a very important piece of properly bonding with people. Trust. Knowing people. Yada. I still think that's true. Because fundamentally it is - at least the way I am and am with others - all about the trust. Of trusting not to get hurt. Of letting people see more of the real you. At a vulnerable point. A vulnerable state. The proverbial, stand naked in front of someone, flaws and shitty body dysmorphia and all. There is something beautiful about being able to be thoughtlessly naked - in all senses - around someone, and it not causing anxiety. Absolutely nothing to do with sex. Nada. Just about. Being comfortable in someones space. Trusting them. *That*, gives me zen vibes. The world is a bit better for that.

This is why I also really dig people that are at peace with themselves sexually with no hang ups. That's quite the feat, and to me, very attractive. ( for the record I am very at peace with all that shit ).

Weirdly. Even non sexually. I'd dig seeing everyone naked ( goes for guys as well as gals... being straight* that I am ). It's not about leering. It's about the trust. It's about them overcoming embarassment about just existing in their current form. Which is a horrible destructive way to be. I get it. Because I'm the same way. But yeah. I think it's horribly sad that almost everyone has trouble with that. Hates their body. Thinks they are ugly. Meh.

Some thing of my core inner zen animal. Just wants to see people at peace. With themselves. With others. Chill. No rules. No shame. No must do this. Must do that. Be at peace. Trust those who you know you can trust. Implicitly. Let go. It's ok. Don't hurt others - of course. But just be happy, and enjoy who you are, where you are, and those around you.

Tricky. The modern world and it's sensibilities is not super big on that.

As far as sex and all that shizzle goes. Eh. Meh. For myself. I don't believe we are made to just have one relationship. One partner. I see examples of it time and time again. Can you do that ? Absolutely. People, as I always say, are strong, adaptable and can exercise examplary discipline when they want to. But that's not to say it's a natural state. I don't think it is. People are different. For some it's going to work. But. I can't help feeling that in the - very - few cases I have seen this working, it works not because that's who they are, but because of the size of their anxiety monsters. Their fear, and peer pressure bullshit keeps them in line. And they get a sense of security about towing that line. In short it seems more of a dysfunctional thing, than a genuine choice

I have slowly over mannnyyy years kinda come to that conclusion. And it's only in much more recent years that I have kinda realised what I find important and unimportant. The lessons I see all around me. People should be happy. Fuck what anyone else says - about anything. Fuck what the rules say. Are you happy ? I treasure relationships with people. I treasure close relationships with people ( zero of which these days are sexual in nature ). I love getting close to people. And that whole mutual trust thing. It's one of the few things in life that I find genuinely heart warming and positive and lovely. No fucking money involved. No taxes. No one demanding you pay this bill. Or that rule. Or otherwise. Somewhere the taxman hasn't yet figured out how to make money from.

I treasure seeing people happy. I like seeing them fulfill their potentials, whatever that is, even if it's just sitting doing a word puzzle every day. Content. At peace. I love seeing that in people. I have learned not to be jealous of others. And after a while. It seems ridiculous ( to me ). Let people be happy. So long as they're not being malevolent and doing shit to hurt you. Let them be who they want to be. I would at this point in my life, never stop anyone from loving or otherwise whomever they wanted to love. I would be sad if I lost my relationship to them because of that. But that is because I treasure the relationships. Not because I am seething with jealously over something.

I dunno. I suspect I have become something of a hippy in the latter stages of my life. Be free. Be happy. The whole more free, less rules, less hangups relationships that the youngers get involved in these days, makes a lot of sense to me. Just be all about the love. Don't do things out of spite. Or hatred. Or jealousy.

I know, even these days, it's not a super mainstream ideology. I think we'd just all be a lot better if we were a lot less rules based. And a lot more supportive of each other. Old school clans. Extended families. Whatever. I think we've lost that in our modern lifestyles of living solitary lives in our custom built fully appointed caves.

Sometimes you need help to do shit. Lift a table. Cry on someones shoulder. Feel the presence of someone cuddling you. Human stuff. And sometimes that trust, that love can exhibit itself in a hug. Or a kiss. Or whatever. But our arbitrary rules say what you should and should not do. Are you married ? Do you have ownership ? Who will pay the bills ? Etc. Meh. Just be happy.

I always think, on your deathbed, it seems highly unlikely you're going to be there high fiving yourself about the rules you followed, perhaps despite not really wanting to. And more about the regret about things you didn't do or say.

Eh well. Unpopular opinion I know.

And ironically. I'm probably the least galavanting person there is. But still. I'd be happiest in a much more cuddly world I think. And I suspect, we all goddamn would. If hangups could just be let go.

Bottom line. I love my people. I wanna see them be happy. And do whatever it is that they want to do. I would never ever stop them from doing something they loved - I would view that as an epic asshole presumptious move by myself - and I would take joy from the fact they were happy. I would do anything for the people I love. And if I can orbit them at whatever distance they are happy with. And bask in their glow. Then I am good. The closer, the better.

Perhaps it's just all childhood issue based about never getting any love :p

Ha.

I don't think so though. I think it's more akin to the secret to life. Love. Don't judge. Be happy for others. Try to leave the negative behind - it only ends up poisoning you.

*Hazel thinks it's debatable that I am straight. Then again she tends to say that about most people. She is adamant however that I am not 100% straight. Eh. Sure. I mean. Who is, assuming you can get over your socially conditioned pigeon holing and actually be at ease with yourself.