Aug 8

 Not a great day yesterday. Spent most of it in a veil of illness. Not super bad. Not great either. That whole bone deep CFS kinda exhaustion, a low level nausea, and a constant tug to go to sleep.

I did force myself to do stuff. But it was forced. And I am not sure I was better for it. Sleep, nor eating, nor chilling made it shift. Fuck you buddy, just be ill.

6pm, still feeling it, but a half shade less. Decided to grit my teeth and... go make a cake.

A lemon/lime/maple syrup drizzle cake. It's been in the back of my head to do for sometime. I wanted to make the most kick ass drizzle cake I could. Not look wise per se. Go with the default ( although I did spend some time thinking about how to do better ). But taste wise. Which fits in with sometimes how I cook. Sometimes I try to pack in the most explosive taste you can get - not via heat, just via.. umami.

Turned out good. Probably 2/3 lemon, 1/3 lime. And some dashes of maple syrup. Not enough that you can clearly tell there was maple syrup in it. But enough to give that complex taste profile malarkey in the background that you can't put your finger on. Extra depth. The secret ingredient. I also picked up some fancy vanilla to maybe use, but in the end didn't.

I lovingly tinkered with my drizzle. Started to caramelise the sugar, but only a little. Tittivated with ratios. Poured.

The result was extra punchy. But I didn't make enough drizzle. It barely covered the whole thing. Next time, if there is one, I need to make double the amount of drizzle I think I need to. It's probably because I am half caramelising it, so, the liquid reduces a lot - more concentrated. If you're gonna make a citrus drizzle thing, then, how bout we turn that oomph way up.

Despite it being late, and me wavering, I took it round to some friends, still warm, still in the cake tin, as they have been struggling with the ills lately. Had a chat. A cup of tea. And felt a lot better.

This is something I've noticed. If I am more active. Heart gets pumping. I can feel better. ( I can also feel worse ). But more often than not, it makes me feel better. This can be very difficult where I am having an exhaustion day. Because you literally can't do shit. But eh. Hmmm. Not sure what it means. The fact I am also better of an evening, and a lot worse in the mornings - after I am at my least active, is also, maybe, somewhat suspicious.

I am still not terribly convinced all is tickety boo with the cardio vascular. But I am not entirely sure what to do with the information or what it means. Is it just adrenaline masking underlying bullshit ? Is it a function of the cardio going up a tick and everything working as it should, and when at rest.. it's kinda not ? Is it a mental affect of getting up and doing shit ? ( pretty sure it's not the last one as I have scrupulously ruled stuff out ).

Eh well. Inconclusive data.

Today. Is swimming day. I am tired. And just want to sleep. Nevertheless I will drag myself out. Because I dare say it will make me feel better.

Whilst out for a cup of tea and cake last evening, had a short chat with someone else. Who is in something of a mental crisis. And whos trajectory does not look great. I left them an offer to come talk to me if they wanted to chat. And once they had gone. Talked a lot about how to support people in difficult situations. The tendency for most of us is to wade in present solutions and fixes to every problem presented, and then lambast them at length for not doing so.

This is almost always unhelpful. As lovely and well intentioned as it can be. It's often.. in the end.. bigger picture.. very mildly toxic. Albeit there's a balance there. Between carrot and stick.

The problem can easily devolve into, person A is drowning, person B explains the benefits of a life jacket. Person A however is too busy drowning to do anything about life jackets, and part of their whole problem is a complex and dysfunctional relationship with life jackets. Person B becomes frustrated. Raises volume. Raises insistence. LIFE JACKET. Person A is incapable. Person B begins beating Person A with the life jacket in an ill advised attempt to get the message through.

Because Person B is actively beating them Person A is now drowning faster.

Which is not the intention. But is the result.

The irony is, Person A can often be well aware of what a life jacket is. But incapable - at the current time - of using one.

Thus is the quintessential struggle in what I find to be almost all "sticky" bits of peoples lives. And if bad enough, heralds an eventual mental break. 

This exact situation played out last evening. It's very familiar to me. At the end, I stuck up for the person struggling. It's easy for you to say do XYZ. It's not the thing. It's up here - I smacked my head with the palm of my hand.

The struggling person agreed emphatically. And also a real passive aggressive cry of, please stop beating me up.

Good for my friend, post conversation, he asked what was the way of helping out someone who was drowning. Great question. Look at what the shrinks do. Be supportive. Recongise their struggle. Sympathise with their struggle. Do not go in, kick doors down, and beat them to death with the answer. They have to get their themselves. Sometimes they cant. You can nudge. And suggest. And absolutely offer any and all aid that you can. But never push it. Never become frustrated with them ( even though at times it's absolutely the natural response ), never militantly start trying to fix them. It rarely works. Sometimes it can. Most often it does not. All you end up doing, is verbally assaulting someone who is already hurting.

Bigger picture than that. Have them seek out therapy. Professional help. And if that can't be done. Then someone they can talk to. Who can support them a lot. Be a wiser, caring, cooler head. And if you're super lucky, someone who can half therapise them for free.

No quick and easy solution however.

I ended it by saying brutally horrible, but sometimes there is no helping it. And this is how a mental breakdown occurs. Things need to break, before they get better. The person needs to break out of their bad patterns. It's not good. It's not happy. And can destroy the person before ever seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. Russian roulette.

Heading it off with professional help is by far the better way. But. Getting that professional help - tricky. It's behind a paywall. It's behind a scarcity of resource wall. A competence wall - not all those in the business know what the fuck they are doing. And even after all that. It may still fail. Therapy is not a guarantee by any means whatsoever.

Difficult.

Anyway. We shall see if he pops up for a chat. I hope he does. I hope he manages not to break. My "gut" feeling is that he is on his way to a break ( too much stress, dysfunctional boundaries, all down time has gone, incapability to break down toxic behaviours and patterns, stress infects every moment, a glass of water that is constantly filling, never going down, eventually it will spill ).