Sep 12

 An alright weekend. No major ills. And sometimes I even get out of bed feeling human.

That last bit I can't even remember when that was true. *decades*.

So, things are looking up. Of course. Don't take anything for granted. Be prepared for the slump. But so far. Touch wood. Things are. Sustaining a better course. The ups and downs are still there for sure, but crucially, the downs are rarely pushing me down below some "critical threshold".

There is it has to be said quite a bit of indecision in me about what to do about this. Do you :

a) FREEZE. Change nothing. Keep doing what you're doing. See if you keep improving

b) Change a few things. Start being more lax with rules you've put on yourself.

c) Do more things, ignore the rules, start shifting what "normal" is upwards.

Tricky. I have been burned a lot with this over time, and where as b) and c) would previously be the no brainer, I have had my ass kicked enough that that's no longer a no brainer set of options. So I am inclined to do a). But. Eh heh heh. It also feels like failure. A bit. Kind of.

I was reviewing in my head the journey I've been on in the last *checks notes* two and a bit years and the things I've altered to try and find a solution.

Changed Diet -
    No caffeine. Then somewhat caffeine.
    Super low saturated fat. Then somewhat high saturated fat diet.
    No salt.
    No sugar. Then some sugar.
    Increased whole grains.
    Increased fiber. Then decreased fiber.
    No spice. Then some spice.
    Heavy decrease of bread - total elimination of store bought sliced "factory" bread. Then home made bread and shop bought baked in store artisan bread.
    Increased protein.
    Increased vitamins. Then decreased vitamins.

Changed Meds -
    All sorts of potions and vitamins, increase, decrease
    Mental med change from a, to b, back to a again over the course of 3 years
    Changed mental med dosage. Altered mental med schedule.
    Stomach acid medication. Altered dosage several times.

Health -
    Started back on asthma meds
    Surgery for a continually open wound on my ass
    Got scans left right and center. Multiple MRI. CT. Multiple X rays. Referrals. Cardio checked. Gastro kind of checked. Brain checked.
    Cambridge heart clinic. Harley street clinics. Multiple hospital visits.
    Years worth of chiro.

Rest -
    Taken massive amounts of rest. Months.
    Changed behaviour to rest before, rest after, not fret about resting
    Sleep. Sleeping massively increased.

Work -
    Decreased time and stress. Then massively decreased time and stress.
    Stopped burning on my own projects outside of work

Activities -
    Major reassessment of what I am capable of. Gone from not thinking about it, to having to carefully assess energy requirements.
    Keep things short where possible. Do NOT burn through things.
    Sometimes push a little through feeling unwell, but past experience indicates it's ok or may even improve your state.
    Carefully and realistically prioritise tasks where possible. This absolutely includes ejecting previous normals and what society considers normal. Listen to yourself. Work to that. Not others expectations.
    Started extra excercising via swimming.

Mood & Socials -
    Eliminated a lot of social responsibilities and carrying the entire weight on my single shoulders.
    Spent much more time with family. Turned off brain. Absorbed vibes.
    Tried very hard to do positive things and snap out of negative cycles - particularly by breaking routine and seeking out people.
    Expanded reliance on others. Let others help.
    Ejection of guilt and requirement to always be capable when incapable. IE letting myself concentrate on getting better rather than permanently worried about my commitments.
    More open to letting people see when things are shit in my life - in particular, just letting the house go when I cannot cope with it.
    Breakng out of age old patterns of behaviour particularly to do with work and imagining different ways of living and doing things. A lot of this has been highly dependent on money worries receding as each year passes. That being said, I have kinda kicked a major money fear demon off my back, and am not terribly concerned about whether I am saving money or slowly burning through money

   There's a lot of change in there. Huge. And bits of it you could fill a small note book with. Particularly stuff like diet. And a lot of it is not obvious and certainly isn't a no brainer follow what the general wisdom is and you'll feel better. Far from it. My takeaway has been the general consensus on what works is dubious at best, just utter bullshit at worst. There is also very clearly no panacea. Cutting sugar from your life for instance, will not turn you into a super human. Utterly bollocks.

    Almost all if not all of those changes and tests on myself have been ruthlessly enacted to some level of scientific standard. Do the thing. Notice the results. Most of all keep at it. Consistent. Give it time. LOTS of time. For something like the sugar. That's been an ongoing experiment for getting on for 3 years. The conclusion of which so far is that it seems to have made very little to zero difference. Not weight wise. Not mood. Not anything wise. That being said, too much sugar can sometimes have suspicious knock on effects. But. In the scale of things it's pretty minor. Of course, this all only applies to me. Your Mileage May Vary. I will tell you one thing sugar can do - perhaps for a no sugar diet. If you do have a bit of yummy sugar, oh my fuck does it lift the mood. Eating a sugary jammy donut after not having sugar is a pretty big goddamn high. Slightly addictive even. There *could* be a message in there.

    There are a bunch of things like that I have learned about the various aspects of diet on me. And lots of lessons and results from everything.

    There has been no panacea, no one thing that instantly solves all. Also things change over time. What works at one point can become a problem at another.

    Currently my loose conclusions are as follows :

1) shifting mental meds to activate during sleep has helped a lot with afternoon slumps
2) shifting mental meds around now can have a serious fucky effect on me. Caution !
3) Supermarket sliced bread made in a factory is subtly shit for me over time. Cannot pin down what exactly. Not having it = feel better. Having it = feel worse.
4) Eating more simply gives more stability. Less processed foods.
5) Eating less spice gives more stability. Feel better.
6) Controlling caffeine can help in some circumstances. Just be aware.
7) Something about swimming is helping a great deal. Very altered sense of smell and breathing - to the extent that it's *weird*.
8) Rest is good. Not all rest is rest. Some rest is anti-rest.
9) Allergies are suspect.
10) Protein and fat consumption is important ( eating meat can make me feel better, particularly after a long period without ).
11) Strongly control stress and others demands on you. Quickly becomes toxic and detrimental. Also. I have poor visibility on this.

    Hmm. So that's currently where I am.

    I am beginning to think that perhaps. Maybe. Finally. I might be emerging from the storm clouds that have sat with me for years at this point. Maybe. The CFS people warned me in the past that there would always be slumps, attacks, repeat offences and not to freak out about them or lose hope. So. Maybe have to guard about that. If it *has* all been Covid, or, possibly even a related viral post syndrome malarkey, I can say it has been utterly awful. At points nearly killed me. And its effects absolutely life changing. Who can say for sure if it was. And it might not have gone. May always be with me.

    But for the moment. The sun is starting to shine consistently. It's weak. And far from a vacation spot. But. It's something. Long may it continue.