Sep 21

 It has to be said the last few days I have been in a "mood".

Unhappy. Toying with being depressed. Somewhat lethargic. A skull full of cotton wool at times. A thundercloud in my head - literally. A weird foggy grumbly head, possibly down to serotonin issues of my being hap hazard with my mental pills of late.

I think this is the outer edges of being properly depressed. But not entirely disappearing beyond the event horizon. Orbiting the singularity if you will.

I think the whole Mood of Sunday has stuck with me. Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. It doesn't help that on Monday when I wanted to get out and do stuff I couldn't. Locked in a gilded prison of the Queens funeral. So no outlet there.

I have consciously not taken out my shitty mood on anyone. I am dissatisfied with the world. With me. With the house. With life. I am in no mood to be happy clappy or put up with peoples fuckery. But. Nevertheless. I try. And dont take it out on anyone. But I am subdued and disinclined to find the humour in things.

The heating, which has been broken for months, is now epically broken. Doesn't work at all. Thus elevating the need to get it sorted - as the house becomes particularly chilly - to a severe need.

But still. Haven't sorted it.

This has not improved my feelings of non joy.

I feel like there are a dozen other things I should tackle before the heating, as stupidly ridiculous as that sounds.

And I'm working. And busy. So. It just all gets left. I've attempted a few things and quickly got tired out. Despite my swimming it seems that somethings really do fuck me over quick like. Others not so much. Curious.

This afternoon. I think, perhaps, just about, I am starting to thaw from my funk. I am more reflective on people just being people. On the flaws and failures of those around me stubbing their toes on the oh so predictable rocks on the path of life. Somewhat zen with the knowledge that you can't help them. They're going to trip whether you point out the rock or not. People are like that. I am in my own ways also like that. But I like to think I am wayyyy more open eyed. Aware of the difficulties I have. And doing my best to workaround the illnesses, quirks or otherwise that I have. I do NOT stick my head in the sand. Ever. To a fault. Perhaps I am just as laughably blind as everyone else though. I don't think so. But. Eh heh.

Chill. My dude. Lighten up the analytical grim hammer. Hmm. Grimhammer. I like that. Apt. Poetic. A dire cursed weapon of legend. The wielder can crack mighty problems. But is cursed with unhappiness with each blow and an urge to never let the hammer go.

*puts down the Grimhammer*

Perhaps I should make the effort and make another cake. The whole, Huge Jaffa Cake I imagined might be good. An obvious next step on from the citrus cake ? Orange and chocolate ?

Still. Johnny. Fix the fucking heating. You moron.

Mmm. Sure sure.

I reflected yesterday that some aspects of my personality, that weird quirky floaty distracted and yet intense kinda thing ( ADHD ? ) is, not exactly getting worse perhaps, but becoming more noticeable. I think the whole getting ill, and then just wiping out on somethings has really super leaned into it. It makes concentrating on certain things, getting somethings done much MUCH harder. To the extent at times they are impossible.

Case in point. The hole in the ceiling. Some rubble came down, no problem, I will clean that up. It took me like five days to do that. For five days I just crunched through the rubble instead. Not dealing with it. Not cleaning it up. Just living with it. Rubble. On the floor. Eh. It's not killing me. Eh. I have no energy.

I tidied it up yesterday. Then wiped out for an hour.

Uh huh.

How is it I can swim 1200m in a pool. And 15 minutes of clearing up rubble makes my heart race and wipes me out for an hour.

???

I have no answer. I am just doing my best to adapt to the pattern. Swimming - OK. Doing some other physical things - still an issue. At least that bone deep exhaustion is mostly not dogging me every minute of the day anymore.

Eh. Meh. Pfft.

Anyway. Jaffa cake recipe. How to make the orange jam. I really dont want to go with a gelatin kind of solution, even though, that's exactly what jaffa cakes have. Failing that you have a dance with pectin, sugar and acid to get a really gloopy if not totally set jam. Tricky.  I need to research the finer points of jam making and marmalade.

Hazel is down with suspect 'rona. Aches, hard to breathe, chills, blah. Sounds like the 'rona. I suspect this is her second bout of it. So. See how I am feeling today, I will try and go pick up her mutt and give it a run. Tricky though. I am in no super shape to do it myself and my mood is still fairly grim. I'll see how I am later.

Tomorrow. Will be a better day.

Also. I've had way worse.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feb 29

 Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Read more

May 9

 Athenas back left leg is limp. Lifeless. Just. Gone. Her right one is only vaguely there, still trying to walk a bit at times. But. No strength. Folded. We have got her up a few times today, to drink, pee, poo. She has got accustomed to being carted around in a sling, her front legs still working. She still looks up. Wants to know what you're eating. She is, as she ever has been, still Athena. Still interested. Still awake. And tomorrow at 11am I take her to put her to sleep. Her legs are gone. Not just an overdid it. They are gone. I do not know or understand how they suddenly went from fine to not fine in 15 minutes. But it has happened. And they show no signs of reversing. Today I made the stupidly hard and fucked up and awful decision to put her to sleep tomorrow. I have crucified myself over it. Today ? Tomorrow ? Monday ? Next week ? Tomorrow. There is no hope. She will not recover. And I will have to snuff out her good life, her beautiful soul, full of curiousity and confid...
Read more

Nov 6

 Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US ...
Read more