Sep 29

 Tired this week. Sleeping later. Tired earlier. I think the toll of everything has just been a bit higher, and I've also been super busy, either at work, or doing the social rounds / help.

Got a call from Hazel on Sunday, not doing good. She had got involved in a nasty altercation in her building the night before, some physical stuff - pinned against the wall, kicked in the chest, arm locked, lots of stress and shouting, the end result was that one of her neighbours got carted off by the police.

And then promptly released the next day as the police said they didn't think they could get a conviction.

All of which rattled Hazel. Understandably.

So I was out with one friend, and then hot footed it over to spend the afternoon walking with Hazel. Long day.

I have expressed worry to Hazel before now about her proclivities to either start fights or get involved in them. Whilst sometimes her motivations are noble - her anger issues and the like means that she is never in a position to de-escalate. It's always going to kick off worse. I think this is a complex mix of sometimes doing the right thing, but, the main monster in the room, is a rage that needs an outlet. Sometimes it's just rage. Unjustified. Sometimes there is justification and the rage follows. I have seen firsthand that monster take control, and there is zero reason in there. Just rage. You cannot talk to her at such points, she just wants to fight.

Nevertheless in this instance, she was more than justified, calling the police after her neighbour screamed to do so whilst being abused by the boyfriend. Still. No power of de-escalation or otherwise. Just a fight response.

It will - and has - got her into trouble. And if nothing else, gets her a growing list of enemies. And at the end of the day, despite her spirit, she is NOT a physical fighter. It is inevitably going to end up badly.

I kept my eye on her for a day or two after. We went out again the day after at her request. As much as anything for a bit of normalcy for her I think. She seemed happy enough. I offered her my place to crash for a while if she wanted - albeit the heating is still broken and yada blah, so, not ideal, but, if it made her feel safer, she was always welcome.

People are complicated messes. I say complicated. In some ways they are simple. In others - the layers of simple bullshit compacted on top of each other - they are complicated. And in my experience, people are never just one thing. Not good. Not bad. Competent. Incompetent. You can often easily paint people as one thing or another. The reality is that they are way more than that.

Hazel is a great example of this. Within her lies a lovely girl that is switched onto equality and good behaviour, into her nerdy things, with a side of cute, and a big dose of feisty that will go to bat for people she cares about. Also within her is a cruel and brutal monster, who can rage out, be uncharitable, quick to judge and shamelessly biased with a never ending list of excuses to cover her negative aspects.

She is a complex and very flawed person - suffering from a list of mental health and personality issues, and stuck in a bad situation ( by and large of her own making ) that doesn't help.

Depending on your view point here, you could tar her as awful, or nice, or troubled or something else. The reality is she can be all those things. Her last falling out with her family was because she found out that her reputation had preceded her / caught up with her, and her secret nickname / temperament given to her was that of being a grumpy asshole. A shitty thing to say. But also. Not untrue either. It just depends when you catch her and who you are.

Hazel is one of my loved people - not a girlfriend or significant other or whatever label, just a very muched cared for person. I care about her and her wellbeing ( as I do a whole bunch of people ). And want to see her in better places and doing better. I very much understand how flawed she is. And how.. difficult ( having at times been directly abused by her ).. that can be. But that's ok. At the same time I do not let her damage me. Any more. I don't condone her worst behaviour. And will make sure she isn't in a position to set me on fire - the boundaries are there. I will help and care, but wont be abused. This is arguably the most helpful place to be with someone who is borderline personality disorder AND has difficulty accepting any kind of responsibility.

By and large I accept people for who they are. We are *all* flawed. Lesser or greater. In different areas. But take time to look closely, know someone well, and the flaws are there. We all can struggle at times to just put one foot in front of another. Some of us much more than others. Some of us almost never stop struggling.

I personally feel like giving people a hard time for a lot of this shit is just cruel. Yes. Sure. In some lah de dah perfect whitewashed land of moral supremacy, there is no excuse for shitty behaviour or being some epic failure, but take a moment, realise what the underlying pressures are that generated that. That 99 times out of 100 its because of some awful situation or experience. Is just a symptom of suffering, agony, a cry for help. And then you realise just how shit it is to truly judge someone for being in pain.

Shit.

And in my opinion, you're an asshole to treat those in pain with more pain. 

But I also understand that people need to smack others down, judge them for who they are, what they achieve, or worse yet, their shitty behaviour. I get it. And pushback can be a real and important thing to regulate others shitty behaviour. And sometimes I will do that too. Because rule 4 should be "Dont take it out on others". Bad coping mechanism having to kick others to relieve your pain. But. It does happen. And more often than not I am aware of that. And accept that people are imperfect, have good days and bad days. Can struggle with inner demons that give them little choice in their actions. 

I also accept the flip side of the coin and peoples need to kick down those already in pain. It is - on both sides - an imperfect dysfunctional circle of shit, one begetting another. To be proverbial about it. Hate begets hate. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that.

The path out of that circle from the shit behaviour side involves a lot of work. Time. Motivation. Therapy. Self reflection. A hard path. And one that many are poorly equipped to even understand let alone do anything about. The path out from the - try not to kick those who are already down - requires a lot of understanding, patience and acceptance. A truckload of wisdom. Also difficult.

I appreciate people for who they are. To see the happy child underneath all the dirt and trauma and suffering. Somewhere in there. I can not agree with what someone does - don't be an asshole. But I can also understand why they are that way. And sympathise with how they got there. And depending what it is. Look past it. It's an issue. Working on it would be good. But I get it.

Instead I find offering support where you can, just a listening ear if nothing else, is the most positive thing you can do. Don't enable shit behaviour. But also. A bit of kindness and compassion goes a long way, particularly for those embattled, used to being assaulted for their choices. So very common.

This whole thing has been something of the topic of the week.

Acceptance of people. And how it makes a difference.

I have had friends tell me what they cannot tolerate in others. That it can drive them nuts. Makes them judge others hard. And we're not talking about murderous behaviour here. Just things like - people airing their dirty laundry. Reacting in less than stellar ways to high emotion situations. Asshole behaviour.

I get it. Very normal. But. By and large, it's not there for me. There is no bubbling seething need for justice or vengeance. Just a peaceful acceptance and understanding. It changes the dynamic for me. It's not a fight. At all. It's about understanding. And compassion. It means I rarely if ever hate people. Even under extreme duress.

I have come to realise this week that this is one of those things that makes me really quite different. The acceptance and zen. People struggle to understand it in me. They intellectually get it. But they struggle to see how I can be like that. And my acceptance of people fundamentally changes the way I react to people. Defangs even the beginning of negativity and hate. I am a lot more of a peaceful soul.

Interesting.

But I am no different to anyone else. Not all one thing or another. Ask me about corporations and I will bring the hate. But I feel like that's a different thing. Or perhaps, ask me about greedy cruel people. I will certainly bring the hate. But it is also tempered by understanding. What drove them to be like that. Sometimes it's just a shitty person. In their shitty self entitled world. But even then. A failure of eductation and empathy. Someone raised them to be a monster.

At the end of the day I think for the most part, we are all blank slates. We can be written on, good or bad. Taught well or taught badly. We can also influence what gets written upon us, and in some cases, directly change what's written there. But. We are all the same. When some of us are monsters - that's a tragedy that the opportunity of a better person was instead fucked up. That within us all we have the capability to both be a better person and a worse one. Don't underestimate just how much lack of opportunity some have to change their narrative.

But for me, I am human. Give me a shitty day. When I am feeling shitty. My patience has been worn out. And I will call someone a cunt. No holds barred. No understanding. I'm not perfect. Very flawed. I do what I can anyway.

Anywho. A lot of waffle.

Question(s) for the day. Think about it. Answer truthfully ( ie, don't just kow tow to what society's current expectations are - it's ok, I wont be reporting you to the thought police ! )

Can a joke ever go too far, or, can you say anything at all, and as long as you are joking, it's ok ?

Follow up.

IF you think a joke can go too far, ie, you can't get away with everything, where is the line between ok and not ok. How do you judge where that line is ( both in general, and personally ).

Follow follow up.

If you have made a joke and someone has been offended by it, how do you know if its them being "over sensitive" or you being an asshole, or possibly both. Also. On learning you have upset someone, what is your response to them, and how - if at all - do you change your behaviour in future around them, and what is your attitude to that ? Understanding, begrudging acceptance, avoidance, refusal, annoyance ?

I have my own answers to these things. I will share them in a later post to prevent any influencing of your own answers.

The context for this is not me - not my situation, either teller or listener. Someone elses. An edgy joke made had been poorly received.