Sep 6

 Very steadily, each day has got harder than the last.

I am still doing ok, but the energy has ebbed away bit by bit, and Monday was the hardest day for a while.

But in the end I spent the afternoon at a friends house, for another delve into deep things, personal growth et al for a mere 6 hours.

There was also tea and cake.

And in the midst of that, I put a whole bunch of puzzle pieces together and figured out the past of two people, why they were who they were, and how their path had lead them to where they were. In the moment, in the eye of the storm, everything looks like a fraught decision, or complicated random life choices and conflicting events and emotions. But take a step back. And it takes on a very predictable and ordered measure. One thing leads inevitably to another. Starve a person of water and they will treat the next drink like it is manna from heaven. Hence how tightly they grip that next drink and the inevitability of their pursuit of it. Why were they starved of water ? Because someone else had none to give. Not everyone has access to water. As simple as that.

There is a small satisfaction at figuring out the puzzle. There is also a large resigned sadness about the patterns that knock from one thing to the next. One decision to the next. One relationship to the next. A shame. Because ultimately it ends up hurting people.

Anyway.

I stayed up way too late on Monday night, and today, I have paid the price with my also ebbing energy levels. Most of today was pretty horrible, but I cranked a bunch of work out, took a small nap, and then went swimming.

The swimming as ever made me feel better.

I didn't push it in the pool today. Didn't really keep count. I feel like the after work swim is more about the destress enjoyment than it is pushing through a bunch of lengths.

In any case. It is the evening. And my energy has flatlined to such a degree that I can't even make food. So. I wont. Sometimes it gets that bad. I need more sleep. And. To somehow recharge. The mystery of how that works however is still out of my grasp. At times I seem to catch a breeze and recharge. And other times for weeks on end, nothing.

Who knows.

In other news, I bought a new 3d printer. My third. Not that I've used any of them. The perfect example of the paradox that is my life. The brain can want to do things. The body just flakes out. And then months cycle by of no life.

Still. I have plans for this one. I had hoped to clear up more space so I could set it up permanently, but, my energy has ebbed, and progress has stalled, and I am in danger of just stalling out entirely again. Ho hum.

I am hopeful that I will pick up again. Just need some proper rest. And. I don't know.

I will say that my mood has gone from bright and full of possibilities, to more sleepy, resigned and pessimistic. Perhaps that drives my energy more than I think. Or perhaps it's the other way around.

Sometimes I also suspect that the more busy I am, more active, the better I feel, but, at a cost that it tires me out, and then the slump is even harder. It feels like a bit of an awful catch 22. I used to get the same feeling with hardcore socialising. I was always in a better mood after. But the repeated happy socialisations would wear me out quicker. And then I would burn out.

Tricky.

I don't think I ever found a happy balance. And still can't.

Ugh.

Somedays I just really really need someone to look out for me. When I flatline out. A lap to fall asleep on. Tired. Sad. Yada.

Fat chance of that eh ? Heh.