Sep 9

 Slowly back on the way up again. Yay. Not withstanding a little nausea.

Yesterday at the pool was lovely. First week of the school season back on, and as a result not a child was seen. Quiet. Still. All the rugrats chained to their shitty education.

On the one hand, state of our education - laughably Victorian.

On the other hand - removing them all - and their parents - from the streets and general places I want to go - bliss.

I genuinely cracked an irresistible smile as I started swimming. The pool was empty. Unruffled. Oh my god. How cool is this.

Still struggling a bit with form. My allergies have exploded in the recent wet weather. From bad to worse. Interesting. Probably means... mold ?

In any event, I cleared 1200m yesterday. A new best. I don't think I can realistically go much further in the time I have. I would need to speed up quite a bit. I have seen some changes to the schedule however that mean I could end up possibly allowed in the pool for a longer period of time. And then. Mm. A magical mile is much more achievable. I am pretty sure I can do a mile now. Just. Not in that short a time.

On a related note of yay no kids around, dontcha just hate kids ! The start of the week in the pool, with the kids still about. I chilled for a moment in the shallow end. And absorbed the energy of the young uns. Most of them under 11. And it was lovely. There was something nice about their enthusiasm and energy and seeing the joy of the world through their eyes. It was like a breath of fresh air to jaded me. And far from annoying me, it made me more peaceful and happy. Kids being kids. Not rude. Not misbehaving. Just being kids. There's something magical about their world in there. I've noticed it at times visiting people who have a busy family of kids. There is something nicely energetic about the household. Homely. Hard to put a finger on. But I can feel the vibe and it gives me a small warm glow.

Uh huh.

Changing topic.

Read a few things yesterday, about people mourning their pets. Some nice words about their loss. And how much it meant. Ugh. Hits hard. I wanted to see Ares - more than that. Wanted to see him move, his personality, his huffs. I watched a video of him. Brutal. So brutal. Holy shit do I miss my buddy. Knives to the body. It physically hurts.

Death sucks. Always will. Fuck death. I dare say I will never be reconciled with Death is Acceptable, Part of Shit, whatever bullshit you want to come to terms with. Just. No. Fuck that. It happens. I don't have to like it. I don't have to pretend it's a good thing. Or just part of nature. Natural. Any of that shit. Bollocks. It is what it is. And it's awful. Done.

Queenie died. Mmm. See Death above. I suspect her passing is going to send a small tremor through the world. She has been a very visible constant to just about everyone no matter what country you're in. Whether you're a supporter, a detractor, or an indifferent participant. Her cultural reach is up there in the global arena. And a lot of what she represents is consistency. And something joining the past, to the contemporary. A bit of old school Keep Calm in an ever more neurotic world. There are very few who cannot remember a time when she wasn't always there as a figurehead.

Like the ticking of a clock, always there, the background hum of culture.

And now she's gone.

A constant presence has disappeared. Making you face the reality that things change. Things die. And that the old consistencies are dropping away. And your world is just a little less constant than you thought it was.

No matter your stance, it's going to have a ripple. Particularly in these uncertain times where a lot of change is happening at once.

I can imagine this is going to be a surpise to some people. It may not even register at a shock level. But the world is going to change. Allegiances will shift. It will kick off debates in countries. It will almost certainly draw a line under the Monarchy in the UK. It's never going to be the same again. Its influence will now wane. I can imagine that this will be the triggering event that changes the remaining countries that pay some kind of homage to the royal family will flip and become republics.

Moving on.

A conversation about being an asshole. Your inner critic. Do you like yourself, or hate yourself. And someone doing a little shrinking of me for a change.

I am, by and large, selfless to a fault. I adapt the shape of others. Understand their quirks. And compensate typically without complaint. It's who I am. More than that. I am at pains not to burden anyone else with any of my shit. It's not fair. Who would want that. I struggle with letting people help, or, worse still, entertaining the notion that someone might actually like me as a person despite having all my flaws, cant do shit, ill a lot of the time, older everyday, yada, blah.

It's not quite that simple. I am aware and zen enough to not hate myself. Ish. I. Accept who I am. I. Accept that I have less capability these days, at times an absolute invalid. And I am ok with that. Kind of. Not to say I don't find it endlessly frustrating. And striving to do better. But. I am ok with fate being what it is. Shit happens to all of us. I am sanguine about it.

That being said. I super struggle imagining someone else putting up with my bullshit. Why would you bother putting up with me, and me flaking out. Or not being capable. Or not being full of the joys of spring continually. You'd have to be a masochist !

Of course. Delightfully hypocritically - which I am more than aware of - I make no such rules for others. I value them always. Regardless of what they can or cant achieve. Or problems. Or successes. Or anything. I just value them as a person. Truly. No doubt.

I fail to apply that same peace to myself.

I've been told to learn to love myself and accept who I am. It's not that I hate myself. I am aware I am kind and caring. I try. Which is I think a good thing to be. But I'm also aware I am very far from perfect. With health issues. And etc. So. Surely, there are better than me out there ?

I was told to think of it like someone who has a disability but who is really positive. And someone is the same but really negative.

I don't entirely agree. I see their point and what they're trying to say. And that none of us are the "full package of perfection".

And it comes down to a perfectionist mindset - which they also had. The struggle between knowing you are not perfect, but also coming to terms with that, and being ok with perhaps still working on things, but being who you are.

Tricky. For myself, I am kinda ok with me being me. Not entirely. When the mood takes me I think I suck. But I know better than to just be like that all the time. I know how the mean bitter inner critic works. I am far less ok with others being ok with me.

Punish me harder daddy.

Ha ha.

It's that deep - and to that extent pretty fucky - need to not be a burden to anyone. Not a problem. Not a weight. Even though, for some, it wouldn't be. I still struggle to see, despite knowing full well I do that to others.

It's one of those, sure intellectually I get it. Emotionally. Yeah. Struggle to do that.

I know the same goes for a lot of people. I suspect its a universal except for the truly deluded. A bit of a snide inner critic at best. A brutal gaslighting abuser at worst.

All of that ends up coming round to the whole -

How attractive to others do I think I am. Am I ok with someone thinking a relationship with me is worthwhile.

It's something I struggle to accept. But. I hear the message. I can see how someone might just be cool with me being "nice". And calm. And blah. And not an asshole.

"I can't imagine you ever being an asshole" was a comment I got to the thought that I always had to self check about being an asshole. Always. And that perhaps my instinct was way too driven.

Mm. Sure. The funny thing about that. The first step in being an asshole, is being convinced you're never an asshole. Ha ha. It's tricky. A fine line I think. Between over correcting and under correcting.

Others peoples feelings and well being matters a lot to me. Arguably its the thing that matters the most to me. Hmm. I dont even think its arguable now I think about it. Not wanting to make their lives harder is an important part of that. And part of my instinct is to firewall off any shit that I have, from them.

Which. I know. Is not good. And I tell others not to do. Sure, not everyone is up for that shit. But a lot of people want to help. Will help. Are happy to help. And we all need help.

Mmmm.

Anyway. Ongoing conundrum.

But very slowly and subtly, my friend is beginning to nudge me into seeing my worth a bit more. I see through their eyes a bit. And they tell me I am Doing Good.

Mmm k.

Doubt.

But mm k.

It's also rare I get shrinked. It's almost always the other way around :p

It's cool. I dig it.