Oct 20

 Stabilised. More human.

Last night was the first night I wasn't forcibly up either vomiting or trying not to vomit.

I feel like I have a flu.

Which to be honest is a cake walk. Easy.

The underlying bullshit it's triggering is not so easy. But seems to be weakening every day. So. Good news. I haven't relapsed into a months long horror of suffering. Touch wood.

Symptoms have been coming and going in quick succession. Yesterday was hella dizzy. Close your eyes the room spins. Tingles up the left hand side of the face. More all round gasto hell.

It's interesting that it seems to be touching on a whole bunch of Greatest Hits earlier symptoms, probing all the weak spots maybe. It all seems very familiar however. Albeit. Quicker. Except for the nausea et al. Which seems to be in a constant state of battle.

Eating is still very difficult. I am walking an impossible path of not eating enough so that it makes me feel worse, and eating a little so that it.. makes me feel worse.

I can't win either way. So. I'm eating very minimally ( technically speaking way too minimally, I'm on something like 600 calories a day ). And. Well. Just riding out the misery.

Sleeping has become better. Which is helping. I am not being pulled out of sleep every 2 hours.

But the whole food situation is a killer. I wish there were a simple solution.

Eh well. Getting better on the whole I think.

I have a flu. I feel like shit. I am nauseous. But on the whole. At the moment, it's manageable. Which is better than it was.

If I had more energy I'd write about Liz Truss.

I don't.

She sucks.

Also. Human frailty of not being able to admit errors or face reality. Politicians suffer from this endlessly.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Feb 29

 Anxiety is still riding very high. It's sketching me into weird corners and avoidances. Don't like being out of my bedroom. Don't like being away from my bed. Everything is a tangible holding of breath until I can go back to bed. Very sketchy. I am doing something to try not to give into the rampant mini phobias popping up, but, I'm also giving in at times and just retreating to my hole. And sleeping. Today I dropped off my overnight blood ox monitor. I did a bunch of "anti" things that I reckoned would trigger more the worse end of my sleeping spectrum, and it kinda worked. I woke up at 4am groggy and out of it. I dozedly checked my blood ox. 97%. Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it means it's not blood oxygen and sleep apnea. I went back to sleep. Anxiety smothering me I went out to drop off the monitor. Outwardly. I just did it. Inwardly, screaming, don't go out, don't go out, I don't want to go out. A sense of dread. A sick feeling. Awful...
Read more

May 9

 Athenas back left leg is limp. Lifeless. Just. Gone. Her right one is only vaguely there, still trying to walk a bit at times. But. No strength. Folded. We have got her up a few times today, to drink, pee, poo. She has got accustomed to being carted around in a sling, her front legs still working. She still looks up. Wants to know what you're eating. She is, as she ever has been, still Athena. Still interested. Still awake. And tomorrow at 11am I take her to put her to sleep. Her legs are gone. Not just an overdid it. They are gone. I do not know or understand how they suddenly went from fine to not fine in 15 minutes. But it has happened. And they show no signs of reversing. Today I made the stupidly hard and fucked up and awful decision to put her to sleep tomorrow. I have crucified myself over it. Today ? Tomorrow ? Monday ? Next week ? Tomorrow. There is no hope. She will not recover. And I will have to snuff out her good life, her beautiful soul, full of curiousity and confid...
Read more

Nov 6

 Wake up at 8.20AM with the sound of next door replacing their bathroom. I cannot begin to describe how deathly awful I feel. Shit scraped from the bottom of the barrel. I check the laptop. Set it up for work. And then collapse back to sleep. I worked for some hours last night. I felt a little better, so, I worked. Midday. Awake again. I come out of a horrible horrible place. Everything aches. My eyes are sealed shut with gunk. A wincing pain somewhere around my stomach like a squeeze accompanies my waking. I often get this now. I feel utterly terrible. I have run out of options and coping strategies. So Trump wins with a fairly convincing win. What's the message ? America really hates women presidents ? If nothing else it's clear a large part of the US is fine with all that Trump represents. It was always going to be this way, if not now then soon. The rump of the US is morally bankrupt, happy to occupy a devoid of principles space, large on religious bigotry and hate. The US ...
Read more