Oct 21

Not got much energy. I'm alright. Covid is all but done. Gastro is an utter shit show. So. It's not really the covid making me ill at this point, it's Everything Else. But still, getting better.

Just. Tired. And not exactly hungry. But. That whole low energy because you haven't eaten much dealio.

Mmm.

At times my brain doesn't want to shut off. Trying to sleep last night. It decided to keep me up. Thinking about my parents. The stuff I lost. Life. Death. All of that stuff. Revisiting the really weird shit that I have in my family that just.. never gets talked about. Like half my family being off the radar entirely. For instance. Or that, that side of my family, has nothing to do with the rest of my family, because, you know, same mom, different dad.

It shouldn't matter. But. I am the sole genetic connection to my dad. That he's in touch with. Everyone else - to my knowledge, he has now, cut off, or stopped talking to. This means I have a small army of cousins, I don't really know. I have an enormous extended clan of gyspy second cousins that... I absolutely don't know. I have huge family ties out there. That I am cut off from. And it's never spoken about.

Does it matter ?

Probably not. Maybe.

But it does nevertheless make you reflect on what kind of fucked up background you have. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I don't know. Head down. March on.

I do get the inkling however. That it's all part of the same poison. The frame you were forced into. The choice you weren't given. Fitted into the shape of the dysfunction of your parents choices.

I have done my best to be who I am, and grow and yada.

But bigger picture. I have an inkling that perhaps my wings were clipped way harder than I realise.

Eh. Who knows.

Just smell the roses eh ?

I can't shake it though. It also feels like a weight pinning me in place. Eh. Meh. My brain is probably sickness crazy at this point. Haven't been out in the fresh air. But *still*. There is something. Deeply. Not good. At the bottom of the lake. And at the moment. It doesn't want to sleep.



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