Oct 24

 Things have slowly returned to.. eh.. normal is a bit much, but, cruising altitude.

I don't feel great.

I don't feel terrible.

It'll do. Just give it some time. Get a chance to get out, go swimming, do shit, and see if I can't improve further.

I do feel like I'm on the cusp of getting on my feet again. And in some weird aspects, the bout of covid has left me feeling a little... better.. in a few places. There were some anecdotes about people with long covid catching it again and feeling better in the aftermath. Perhaps it's that. Perhaps it's nothing.

Funeral is next week. I dithered about what to wear. Bother. Not bother. Slightly bother. In the end. My mom always liked me being smart. And not so much less smart. In that old school notion of smart or not. So. I will try and make the supreme effort. Properly. We'll see how well I pull it off. Three piece suit. London tailored shirt. Clips. Stiffeners. Garters. Not really me. But I am sure my mom would have liked it.

In the end, it doesn't really matter. What's in your heart matters. But. I know my mom would have loved to see me all done up smart. So. Maybe that matters. A little.

Someone tried to phone me today. Who knows. The message on the answer phone was blank.

And that split second. I could hear my moms voice as a message on the phone.

And that I would never hear that again. No more messages from that familiar voice.

The finality of it is brutal. It is so strange to think of something that you knew would always be there, was always there, a message on the phone, to realise, that it would never ever happen again. Gone. For good. In all the randomness of the universe. Gone.

I realise these are the worst places for me. The contrast between that which was, and that which is, and the thing that is lost forever.

To say that I hate such things is an understatement.

I find them corrosive. Horrifically sad. A waste. Brutal. Emotional. Enraging about the cruelty involved.

Same pattern.

I do not do well with things that were that are no more. The more final it is, the worse it is.

I am fine with change. As long as change is an ever burgeoning set of increasing possibilities.

I am not fine with change that takes things away irrevocably.

I do not have peace with that.

I wonder what that means.

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