Oct 26

 Curious. Seem to have gone backwards covid wise. The flu like symptoms are back and I feel under the weather generally.

Odd. Thought I had shrugged that off.

Supposed to be working this week, but, it's turned out to be a way harder proposition than I imagined.

Went out for a walk yesterday, Athena was full of beans, well, for an old lady anyway. She continues to be in pretty good form of late. If she's declining at all at this point, then it is very, very slowly. I am very careful with her. She's kept warm, and comfy and interested. We go to very nice places to walk, and run, and sniff and paddle. She meets lots of dogs. She's fed the healthiest food. Gets her supplements. And I always have at least half an eye on her. She is treated with love and respect and gets to indulge whatever she likes - within reason. She's old enough and smart enough to be very familiar with how Shit Should Work. And so we never have cross words. And she is super smart enough that I can trust her to always react correctly. We are at this point, sympatico. Smartest dog I have known.

And all in all she's doing alright.

Nothing lasts forever. But I am doing my absolute best for her. In most things, she comes first.

Hazel was with me yesterday. Took her and Poppy out with us.

I stopped to fill the car up.

The lady in the garage commented on the dogs.

There's a car full of happiness she said.

Oh yeah ?

All waggy tails.

Ha. Yes.

They were watching you, you know. As you filled up. They didn't let you out of their sight.

Oh yeah ?

They're still watching you, look. They are lovely.

Ha.

Picked up a burger on the drive thru. Young girl with cut marks all up her arms came out to drop off the order.

Your dogs are amazing ! What are their names ?!

Much love for the puppers.

It's also really good for Hazel. She has a lot of anger and bitterness, is wary of everyone, untrusting and uncharitable to almost all. But someone being nice to dogs will open up the light side of her. Not everyone is a cunt. People can be nice. We can all agree that dogs are lovely.

And it does her good. To be able to exercise the nicer side of her. Like the two wolves thing. The dark and the light. The one that wins is the one you feed.

In any case. I have seen over and over, how strong a therapeutic effect dogs can have on people. Even the hardest of cases. There is a magic to them that people cannot reach. Simply because people know people. To be wary. What do they want. What will they do. There is no such artifice around dogs, and people respond openly to them. That "simple" fact alone, does more to unlock deep piles of trauma and dysfunction than dozens of sessions with a therapist. This fact gets repeated every day, in every way. I defy you to have a lovely open welcoming interaction with a young lady with trauma cuts up her arms and is a stranger to you. Got a dog ? Different world.

Think about it for a moment. It's not about being a creep. Or taking advantage. A quick slice of life. Two people meet. Engage for 10 seconds. Leave. Hi. Thanks. Bye. Just another person in the grey of life. No connection. No thoughts pulled out of boredom or suffering. No relating to people. Part of the background grind. At best, just another moment in a pile of monotonous capitalist moments. At worst. Another nail driven into the isolation that life can be.

Add a dog.

Expressions of joy. You chat. What are their names. Do you have a dog. They are so cute. Good feelings. Good vibes. A bright spot. Oh, this is a lovely human with lovely dogs.

And the day spins on with a different feel to it.

In a way it's a child like wonder approach to life. Like when you were super young. And everyone was an exciting stupid chat away from what cartoons you liked, or what you liked to draw, or your favourite animal.

We have so many defences and faces, safeguards, worries, wariness. We are taught to not trust, not be open, not share. The impenetrable silos of our person. That we lose all contact with what it is to be human with other humans. We can grasp for this with a significant other. But we lack it with others. All locked away. In our own isolation. No wonder then that misery is rife. That people cannot make friends. Cannot share. That people have poor support networks.

The modern world is very clever in many ways. It's also dumb as fucking bricks in many others. Clever with software. Boneheaded clueless with people. Our apps are smart, our human connection is dumb.

It is what it is.

I can see the problems and the flaws. I understand what is required to reverse them.

I'm just the observer at this point in my life. Fixing shit is largely behind me. That baton needs to be picked up by others behind me.

Mmm hmmm.

I have to be careful with my head. I am in spaces where there is so much prior thought and steps made, that as ever you start to walk along the edge of inhuman. Where everything becomes a piece of clockwork, rather than a functioning whole. Individual frames of animation, instead of the illusion of a moving picture.

There were a couple of times yesterday I had to be careful. Just. Random things. Random prompts. Hazel pointed out to Poppy a pile of bricks. Someone working on their house. What were they doing. My mind span out with it. The time in someones life where they are doing that. With a bit of money. A bit of motivation. What lead them to that point. What it would be after that - good that it had been done, something of a let down after, the result never as great as imagined. And then the long post aftermath. The familiarity. The forgetting of what came before. The march of time. Sell the house. Move on. History accreted. All of it meaningless. A dance. Doing stuff. Moving on. Not really having any impact. None of it really having any meaning. Ants. Building anthills. Washed away in next months heavy rain.

A lot.

In 5 seconds of thought.

And leaves you in orbit. Wondering what the hell life is. This ridiculous human knack of piecing abstract thoughts together to figure out the greater pattern of life.

Take a breath.

Shrug off the alien feel of it all. Come back down to earth. Stop examining every frame. Just lull into the illusion of the movement instead. And smell the roses. Live in the moment.

Not so easy.

Ah. You're nuts Johnny.

Yes. Know that.

One day it will end.

Good.

I think we end up with too much garbage in our heads. A trash bin you can't empty. And at some point it's uncomfortably full. It has a best before date. It's not meant to fill up so much, so fast, and go on forever. It's meant to do a thing, raise your genetic heritage, then, you're on your own. Probably left to a bad end. Because. Evolution doesn't give a shit about you at that point.

Once you've done your genetic bit. Or got past that point. God, is no longer with you.