Oct 4

 Ok.

I don't entirely know what's going on with me.

I'm off the road map with this. One of those rare times in my life I have no clue where I am or where I am going from an inner point of view.

There seems to be a long slow grief process. I am ok with it. Most of the time. And even when it's there it's very dealable with. Not a nuclear wipeout. Not like Ares.

But this isn't a day 1 deal with it, day 2 process it move on thing. It's sticking. And if anything is slowly building. Perhaps I am feeding it. I am not sure. My thoughts are focused on the past and my place in it and the present. The impacts all round. The mistakes of my parents. The crossroads I have, one path or the other. And then. A host of little things. About my mom.

I have returned to sleeping an inordinate amount of time. Also. Time and days and shit to do on those days has become a lot harder to pin down.

A slow burn grief perhaps. My brain is in overdrive if I give it half a chance or don't distract it. Figuring shit out. Piecing things together. Replaying things. I struggle to be in control of that intensity. 

Yesterday I went for a swim. 10 lengths in my mind drifted off to my mom. And I was no longer in the pool. Slowly it pulled me down. I kept drifting away staring into the ceiling. At one point I consciously grabbed control of my thoughts, closed my eyes, and imagined the center of everything. The heart of the universe. In orbit around it, all of our lives and history the emotions, the highs and lows, the screams the yells for joy. Behind that the clockwork of the universe. The burn of stars. The path of planets. All of it together like a song. It is the dance of existence. It is what it does. Be at peace.

And I calmed.

But it didn't last long.

Intellectually I can figure out where I am. But I don't feel it. I very much feel lost at the moment. I have no real comparison. Perhaps it does feel a little like losing a significant other in a breakup. Kind of. I mean. That would make sense.

But still, all academic.

I suppose, the obvious no brainer, is that it's taking time. Time to process. Time to settle. I am not in charge of that. Fuck you control boy. You have to sit on your hands for this one.

My feelings of isolation and wanting to be isolated continue. I am more than hesitant about reaching out. But if I do, I do. I could not entirely tell you why. Bunker mode perhaps ?

I don't know.

Pity party for one.

I spoke with a friend about the whole no funeral thing. He was not shy about it. Appalled. And that I should definitely do something about that. Provide a better example of what to do. Not a dysfunctional one. I can't disagree.

But I don't have the energy or heart to do it.

No roaring fire. Just a smouldering ember. Whos instinct is to fade to a quiet place.

It's that crossroads thing again.

It feels like I don't have the strength to lift myself up and bring everyone else with me. To try and alter the flow of the river, go in a different direction.

Not a superhuman. So I will fail at this task.

I don't know.

The turmoil continues.

Weird dreams last night. About past friends. New situations.

I was pulled out of it abruptly.

The dream ended with me going to bed. And my feet felt slippers in the bed. My moms slippers. It was my moms bed. And then the realisation. She's never going to wear those again.

Bam.

Awake.