Oct 5

Another day, another drift through uncharted waters.

My brain burned again yesterday. Manic. After a particular deep dive into nothing, and realising I had just sat there for 2 hours, I decided to do the thing I didn't want to do.

Go for a walk, human contact.

I don't want it. But I need it. I lamented about this contradictory shitty nature of life.

I got ready, pinged Hazel if she wanted to tag along, no reply. I didn't much care. I was going for a walk. It was better she wasn't there.

In the shower my brain burned this way and that, and then a shot across my thoughts.

You're burning out. You can't maintain this level of burn, you're running out of energy. Energy out does not equal energy in. I could feel it. It pulled me up and made me stop. Huh. I realised like a game of Jenga or Tetris, a block at the bottom had disappeared. And now everything above it had shifted down. Every assumption, decision, simulation needed to be re-addressed, re-indexed, integrity checked. And every simulation of everyone else needed to be redone, picked up, looked at, put back in a new place. A massive shuffling and reprocessing of data. Which was what was happening.

A lot. 

Bonkers. Of course.

As I left the door Hazel belatedly pinged back, was asleep, did I miss it ? No, just leaving.

By the time I left the house my brain had switched off. A hiss of white noise. No thoughts. Everything had slowed down. My head felt spacey. The world had a lag to it. Ooh. Brain fog. Maybe that alert that energy was low was a great deal more urgent than I had thought. Brain crash incoming. Systems offline.

Everything had become quiet and treacley.

I picked Hazel up. She got in, took a look at me, assessing. Patted my knee. And then she trauma dumped, as she does when she sees me. Goes through all the troubles, fights, sleights, rage. It tumbles out of her in a litany of negativity. It's her letting off the steam and is a shadow of the turmoil within her.

But it was hard. Each thing she said was like a glass dropping on the floor when your hearing is over sensitive. I listened. And endured. I just wanted her to lapse into silence. But that's on me, not her. 

I was silent.

We went for a walk, where, for the most part, I was simply silent. No energy. A hiss of white noise. I told Hazel I felt weird. 

Oh she said. The disassociation part. I understood what she meant. Certainly similar. I don't think it was that though.

I said to her I was exhausted.

You want to sit down ?

No. I slapped my head. Exhausted here.

I talked a little about it all. Who had said what. Halfway through I lapsed. I just. Ran out of steam. Hazel started trying to guess. It prodded me into keeping going.

The emotions went up and down. Not entirely predictable. Turn a corner, and get mugged by a spike of high emotion. Then fade.

The need to go home and sleep was increasingly strong. I was tired all round.

And my emotions about it all were probably the strongest they have been. I said to Hazel I think it's getting stronger.

In the end Athena lost one of Hazels balls in the river. So. I waded in, poking around trying to find it. The water was beyond cold. My feet turned numb. The water was nearly up to my ass at one point.

A shock to the system to say the least.

I wasn't entirely conscious of doing it to be honest. I think what with the brain fog and the cold it was numbing my brain, ah ha ha.

We sat down to let my feet unthaw. They hurt like a fucker.

Are you eating ?

Yeah. Sure.

That doesn't sound like you even thought about it. What have you eaten today.

Uh. Nothing.

Have you had anything to drink ?

Mmm. Not really.

It's 5pm. That's not good is it.

I think she tutted at me. Honestly, until that point, I hadn't even realised I had eaten nothing and drank only two mouthfuls of water. It just. Hadn't come up.

We left and got food. Chatted about nothing. I felt better.

No manic burn of brain. No grief. Just stable. I felt ok.

We had been out for something like 3 hours in total. Funny how time just whizzes by.

Came back, tired, but played a game. So tired. But felt ok.

Four seasons in one day.

Today I feel a great deal more calm. No brain burn today. So far. Perhaps yesterday was my peak moment turning point. I think I honestly exhausted myself into the ground.