Oct 8

 Spoke with my brother about the funeral. If it had already been paid for, was it going ahead without us, or what.

My angle was that I wanted to be there.

Not causing trouble, not making a thing, but, I didn't want my mom to be on her own in that last thing.

Fuck that.

I would be there with her.

I know that she's gone, empty vessel and all that. From being up close and personal and watching Ares last breath, oh my god do I know that.

But.

It's still her. The last bit left of her. And I am not going to leave her on her own. With no one there. Just. Off. Done.

No.

Fuck that.

So I will be there. I would want someone to be there with me. I think it's important.

That's fine said my brother, you can do what you need to do.

I didn't say that it wasn't really about me. It's about my mom. And being there for her.

So we're going to do that. My brother said that he'd probably come along too. As would his wife. But no one else.

I reflected to Hazel that this whole thing was way wayyy harder than it needed to be. In trying to be no faff, no upset, my parents had created the entirely opposite. Because now every single decision had to be questioned. Thought about. Navigated on a personal basis. Worried about upsetting people. Or if its right. Or wrong. Or the arrangements that then needed to be made.

And of course each one of those points is a stirring of the emotional mud. Not easy.

My parents, and my dad especially, are epically wrong in this area. He doesn't realise the damage he does not only to himself but everyone else. The awkwardness that is in him is then propogated to the whole event and everyone around it. Ho hum. In many ways. He's just a kid. That doesn't know what to do. And flails about.

It is worth reflecting on that even at the last stages of life, people can be, in some ways, so undeveloped as to be like kids.

So this means probably next week, I will make a journey down South to attend the cremation. I've asked Hazel to look after Athena. I could just leave her for a long day, come home the same day. But. I feel better leaving the old lady with company.

So next week looks to be disruptive as well.

Aye aye. In theory. This could have been a funeral, a wake after, one and done, no messing, no confusion, no need for discussion. But it is not.

Hazel said my life resembled a bad episode of Eastenders.

It certainly has more than its fair share of moments when I think of the events I have witnessed. Suicide. Nut houses. A string of family destroying feuds. Prison. Violence. Abuse. A dictionary of personality dysfunction. No love. And that's the stuff I don't have to sit and think about to drag out. It's a lot. Taken at a step back, that's not an easy environment to try and be .... normal... in.

Eh well.

I had a point to make today. About asshole behaviour. Culpability vs nature. But I don't have the heart to go into it today. Maybe tomorrow.

Today, I'm just going to chill.

Yeesh.

I hope that anyone that reads this, your life, your wellbeing, is quiet, and that you have plenty of time to smell the roses. Not much matters in the end. Take time to be kind to yourself. And enjoy the little things in life.