Oct 9

 Feeling burned out again today. A heavy blanket of exhaustion is sitting on me.

Too much thinking. Too much wading through peoples headspace ( including my own ), sifting the whys from the wherefores.

I think I just run out of energy. At a different period to a single day. More like a slower arc of many days.

I can feel my patience is down. I am. Eh. Tired of people. Tired of the incomplete threads. And I am tired of thinking stuff through. Tired of having to fight just to get to a neutral point. The whole funeral shenanigans and the sheer malarkey required just to be able to get to a point to say, hey, I'm going to be there at the crematorium. It shouldn't be that hard.

Mmm. Just time to live in the moment. No thinking. Just do what's in front of your hands. Switch off.

The tug of withdrawal nags at me. Shut it all down. Disappear.

I reflected the other day, if it wasn't for the fact I have a house, I'd have been long gone. The house ties me down. If you gave me freedom. As soon as that withdrawal nag would hit, I would be gone. 

Dunno exactly what it is in me that does that. That need to just.. escape. Perhaps it's a way to drop all the baggage.

Uh huh.

Anyway. Too much thinking.

Yesterday I made ghetto beef bourguinon. Ghetto because if a French person saw it, they'd probably curse me. It was pretty close though. Not quite the right onions. And my carrot went bad before I could use it. But eh. I had it with home made bread. Like some ridiculous middle class cooking show.

I always really like what I cook. I can cook. Pretty damn good. I just. Can't be arsed anymore for the most part. Despite it being good.

I'm losing track of the days. Been a week and a half since I worked. Which means my only real proper track of time has gone. And the days just blur. It's ok. But it does give you a slight background level of disassociation. Not quite plugged into the world.

Despondent. That's a word. That's me at the moment. Need to put the sword and shield down for a while. Wipe off the grime. Take a breath. Sometimes I wish there was someone bigger and better than me who would come along with a happy smile, and offer to shelter me under their tree, pick me up, sort me out, give me a light, heal me, then send me out into the world again.

Not going to happen.

Is that what parents are supposed to do at points in your life ? Is that a symptom of having to do that for yourself as a kid ?

Eh. Stop.

Thinking again.

I've lost patience with the Rings of Power series. Each episode has slowly further degenerated into shittier fanfic writing penned by a teenager. I guess we should be thankful it hasn't turned into porn fanfic yet, as most of them have a tendency to do. Fifty shades of Ring. Harder daddy, breathed Galadriel.

I was hopeful at first of the TV series. But with each advance of the story, it's clear they haven't got a clue, and are just using the Tolkien IP as a selling point, and a whiff of connection, before writing their own modern, clunky ass, shittily crafted deriviative story. Whoever wrote that should be ashamed. It's like reading a kids homework on a subject they learned about last lesson. Crude. Misses the point. No understanding. Little skill.

How on earth they are going to struggle bus on for five series is a mystery. I am betting on it dying a long time before that. It's shit. So very pretty. But so very shit. There are so few good writers out there in TV land. And I think there is a woefully ignorant arrogance that "anyone can write anything for anything" without realising that hey, some of those much lauded stories and authors are lauded for a reason. Tolkien spent decades formulating fictional languages, histories and weaving mythology to pin it altogether after a lifetime spent passionately studying the real world analogues at the highest level of academia. Guess what. Bob, fuckface and the other 4 writers ( 6 writers for 8 episodes ! ) most of whom you've never heard of, and have published sweet fuck all, aren't a candle to one of the greats of the literary world.

Who could have guessed ?

And the output is drivel. And compares badly.

Duh.

There's a lesson in there. About corps not trying to squeeze juice out of popular IPs because the metrics look good for the business. Creativity and capitalism are not natural bedfellows. And you can't just turn great writing on at the flick of a switch by using Captain NoClue and the League of Shit Writers to shart out a script for you with a As Mentioned By Tolkien sticker on its cover.

Meh.

So over the capitalist corporate bullshit world.

Way past time it burnt down.

Can we not just appreciate the treasures we have as they appear. Without trying to chase after each one and replicate it over and over in the name of making money. It's sick.