Nov 14

 Had a small downer of thought this morning about my health.

Let's not beat around the bush. Something is seriously fucky with me. You can argue about what it is. But it's there. A bunch of physical activities wipe me out. Any kind of illness wipes me out. If it usually takes a week to recover from, it takes me a month. If it should take a month, then it takes me three. My gastro is poised on a knife edge. And even on the days where I am doing better, I am not well, its just very copeable and I can ignore all the noise. I'm down to 2 days a week work, and I very much doubt I could do a full work week anymore.

If you had to ask me, I'd say my immune system is struggling.

2 years in, with peaks and troughs, it's chronic.

And it doesn't bode well for my future.

That's the downsides. And there are times I struggle with it. I quickly become fatalistic about it. Can't I just die already.

If I am feeling a bit more positive there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I am not as bad as I was. On my better days I can still do stuff. And maybe it's just taking a very long time to slowly improve but I will get there. Although, the last one, at this point, I am 99% sure is just wishful thinking.

This is part of what I am going through. Getting my head around all of it is still a challenge. For the most part I am ok with it. Ok is a bad word. I have accepted a routine with it. But there are still times when it's just hard to deal with.

Despite all that, feeling not terrible today. Not great. Not terrible. Getting to that copeable level. Heh.

Stuff to do, things to achieve, albeit, most of everything is feeling a little uphill at the moment.

Anywho.

I have a bunch of stuff about frustration and bitterness to lay out. But. Gonna put that in another post. I think perhaps I should do that. Discrete lumps of information apart from my personal mundanity.