Nov 15

 I owe a post about Psych Analysis, but I got half way through it, kinda felt rough, fell asleep, and eh, haven't finished it.

Good job.

Felt ill again off and on last evening. Curled into an unwell ball. Dozing. Resting. Dozing. Very tired.

Ho hum.

Today amongst a bunch of crunchy work, I have been reflecting on the whole, people see aspects of you who they believe to be you, and can believe in and love or hate.

And as I've tentatively concluded before, perhaps this is just it, people see what they see, and leaders or followers, heroes or villains, that is what they paint you as. And perhaps that's all there is to it. No such thing as an objective hero. An objective leader. Even though we like to frame ourselves and others as an absolute. Perhaps they are all just ghosts on the wind, and as such, they are the reality. One person may see a leader. Another may see a failure. Right at this minute with Twitter in meltdown it's easy to see that Elon Musk is different things to different people. And internally something else again.

But.

I've noticed as I fade out of "public" life more and more, less of a socialite, and more of a cave troll, that the whole what people see of you is their truth is maybe not right.

In some ways I am reverting to probably who I properly am. Less of a leader standing in the lights. Much more of a cave troll in the shadows. To blow my own trumpet, a capable smart cave troll for sure. But still. Slinking in the shadows.

And I think people have a fondness for me... not as a cave troll... but as a person that stands in the light.

But that's not me. Really. Sure I can be that. But it's not my resting point.

And I think people don't particularly like cave trolls. I mean. Who does. They are hard to like. They stay in the shadows and don't say a lot, and, in terms of that basic human drive biological wiring, definitely do not meet that whole Strong Genes Alpha Male Fame Fortune Respect malarkey. Which as much as we can angst and gnash our teeth about and deny there is any attraction for such, your biological wiring knows different.

In short.

You can be loveable in one form.

And unloveable in another form.

And like a thrown ball into the sky, at its peak, the ball is flying free, way up high, loveable. But at its resting point. Fallen to earth. On the ground. It is far less so. Unless you're into muddy balls.

I think human nature is obviously drawn to sparkly happy people. Who are positive. And successful. And influential. And yada.

It plays out time and time again. And for a greater part, we absolutely deny that is the case.

I am ok with being a cave troll. It's who I really am after all.

But there is some melancholy in there, realising how ephemeral peoples favour is. Oh. They didn't love me. They loved the shadow of me. Oh. Ok.

Kinda depressing. Very understandable. Very human. But still.

No no, you might say. Not true. I will love you, them, people, person, no matter what.

Even if they turn into a murderer ? Their real self is a genocidal tyrant ? The dilemma of the mother who tries to defend an indefensible child ?

Uh huh.

For completeness sake, some of this sounds exactly like the whole mental dysfunction fuckery where people cannot think well of themselves. And rather than understand someone else genuinely likes them, they conclude they are even more terrible, as they have successfully tricked someone else into liking their unlikeable self. Ha. 

Fairly sure my reflection isn't that however. It's more about the fact that you only often see facets of people, not all of a person, and that your likes and dislikes really may not align with the many facets of a person, only one or two. Oh, and that people, largely regardless of their stated preferences are drawn to the usual suspects of biological imperative. Big. Smart. Successful. Pretty. Rich. Arrogance. Etc.

But who knows. Maybe it's exactly that. Just a whole bunch more fancy. Deeper rationalisations. Same shit. Maybe.