Jul 26

Low day all round. Mood matching my energy level.

I am questioning a lot of the way I think, what I do, engagement with the world at large.

I'm questioning whether any of it makes any kind of difference. Above just the random noise. Just more noise.

Perhaps I just need to retreat and let time pass.

The friend I have who works in charity has in the past related many of his experiences day to day with dealing with challenging stuff.

It's not arguable that he puts his all into his work, sacrificing most of what anyone would consider stability in his life for this work.

And his work matters. It can make a difference. But there are times when it perhaps make a difference but it gets thrown back in his face. In fact, I'd say, getting it thrown back in his face is if not common, then definitely part of the experience. It can be very hard to deal with. There are times when he has become so disillusioned with it that he questions what he's even doing. This is the other half of the equation. The other person. Attitude. Damage.

And sometimes he can pour all that effort in, and it makes no difference. The recipient is unable really to benefit from the effort. Whether that effort is good or flawed.

It my understanding.

This is part of the crux of trying and caring - the difficult bit. How much you can take and keep on going. It is a point that I suspect every carer will face. It's something I have listened to a number of times on the other side of the problem. It is not only the person at the eye of the storm. But their support.

It's a point of discussion that has come up with my friend. At the horrible, difficult end of the spectrum. At what point does the burden of care exceed the capability of carers. At what point do families get split up, and children placed in care facilities that are capable of providing that level of support.

It's a point I am keenly aware of. In fact I talked about it last week with the shrink. I compared my old mans attitude with my own.

To care about something makes you vulnerable. That's the nature of love, care, giving a shit. And it's part of the way it is that eventually you'll get hurt.

What lesson do you take from that ?

In my old mans case, getting hurt is unacceptable. So avoid it. Don't give a shit. Don't care. Don't ask.

But personally the lesson I learn is that sometimes people will hurt you. But you shouldn't let that change who you are. Or from caring. It's hard. It's even harder to walk into the teeth of something you know will hurt. My dad avoids this. I don't. This is why my dad didn't attend my moms funeral. Or anything to do with it. Best to avoid it.

For the record the shrink thought my dads approach was dysfunctional. I mean. Yes. But. Always useful to get the professional opinion. 

But it's also very human. And I think at some point it becomes inevitable. You can't have an infinite capacity for getting kicked. Or disappointment. Or disillusion.

Which makes the whole thing very hard. And impossible in some situations. 

Anyway.

I guess all of that is where I'm at. I'm seriously doubting. Just pack up my stuff. Retreat. Live in a hole. What the fuck am I even doing.