Nov 20

 Just after saying the nausea had slipped into a more peaceful place, it ramped up and made me feel like shit again. I went to bed that evening feeling awfully ill.

Fantastic.

Yesterday I felt fairly grim. I pulled myself about. Did a stream or two. But. Ill.

And yesterday. I have to say. I was tired. Not just tired tired. Tired of it. Tired of always being ill, or bouncing in and out of varying ill states. Tired of not being able to do shit. Tired of having to live my life so defensively just to try and eke out a bit of normality. Tired of fighting so goddamn hard.

Just. End.

Not a good place.

Today, by some miracle, I am currently feeling a whole lot better. Slept a lot better. Zero awfulness on sleeping. Which has also made me realise. Massive problem -

When I sleep much of my symptoms get so much worse. By morning I can feel terrible. It can take me hours if not the entire day to slowly drag myself into feeling a little better after a horrendous morning.

Today. I have none of that.

The comparison is startling.

Ho hum.

My will to deal with it today is back. Keep on the good fight. But. Uh huh. I need to be a little more careful in future I think. I need to watch my mood a bit. Another fight.

Uh huh, uh huh. That's alright soldier. That's what you're put on this earth to do. Suffer and fight. Ha ha. And. Filter the shit. And turn any energy into helpful vibes for others. Hopefully.

I am very sure others have it worse than me.

Still. The whole bullshit of who suffers the most is incredibly toxic. It's not a race. It's not a competition. Suffering is individual. People in the richest fanciest countries still commit suicide. Be kind to those who suffer. No ifs buts or maybes. That includes yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Just being kind period is no bad thing either. Be. Kind.

The vicious inner critic in me folds its arms and glares in a sulk. Compelled into silence by a good argument about being kind.

Uh huh. Be quiet grump arse.

Last night I dreamed a myriad of things.

Talking to people about your dreams is often a wonderful way to bore people senseless. Ha ha.

So. I dreamed last night. Of many things. I dreamed I got another boxer, a rescue. Just like Ares. So like Ares. And I had two boxers again. And then. A third turned up. Lost. No owner. So I had three boxers. How will I walk them ? It didn't seem to trouble me too much. We would do our best as a pack.

Various people I know floated in and out of my dream. A communal affair. Inexplicably living in the same house. Or next door.

Strange stuff.

But the dogs. Ah.

Jeez. I am such a flawed person. Incomplete. Missing bits. Holes. I think I need others to help me fill those bits. As dependent and flawed as that is. I think it's the reality. Like I need meds for asthma. Mentals.

Eh well.

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