Nov 3

 Crashed hard last night. Very tired. Ill. All the internal alarms going off. Allergies up. Asthma up. Tingles. Ringing ears. All over bleh. Slept like shit. Waking up every few hours. Feeling ill. Headache. Dying of thirst.

What the hell.

Hum ho.

Bad enough it made me contemplate my mortality. The ups and downs. I seem to be on a permanent wax and wane cycle, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. I am sanguine about it. But have realised I don't particularly want to kick the bucket feeling truly dreadful. I guess none of us do. I'm ok with my mortality. I'd rather not be on fire at the time. Which. Eh. Is just reasonable I guess. Still. That I am getting ill enough again that it makes me feel like that. Not good.

Eh well.

Today I have taken it easy. Played games. Done nothing. And felt a bit better. The veil lifts. 

But I'm still aware I am stuck in super slow motion.

Message on the answer phone again today. Bleeping away. I press the play button, and again, I get such a strong premonition that I am about to hear the familiar voice of my mom say hi to me. And of course, it's not. And it makes me realise it never will be again. Again. Answer messages on the phone seem to be giving me very low level traumatic responses at the moment.

It doesn't make me... tip off the deep end. It's just. I don't know. It is sad. But something else. I can't put my finger on it. There is an awful sense of finality about it. Time has moved on very very starkly. Not just a blur years, but a very definite line in the sand, there yesterday, gone today. Final. Irreversible.

I don't know. Sad. Time gone. Things aging. Autumn where there was once summer. A melancholy on top of the other melancholies. Another sad harmony to join the others.

I guess this is the part of something that will now always be with me. The thing that everyone that has lost a parent gets to add to their baggage. All I can say is. It truly does hit slightly different. It's not just about the loss. It's about the shifting of your entire perspective. That bottom brick has gone.

Uh huh.

I guess. There is still stuff there to process. A long ongoing processing. That will perhaps never end. Just a softening of things until they blur. But never gone.

As I slowly shift and change and process, I am aware more than ever at the moment how isolated I am. Oh. I have people around. And family. But. At some fundamental level. I am horribly isolated. I seem to live to a different pattern to everyone else. A different rhythm. I don't want to be isolated. But I am. I have zero clue how to make that better. I am not even sure it's possible. But as ever I am sure it will pass. Or at least, drop to a point where it's not noticeable. Just. Background normal. It gives me a certain shape I think. Not a great one.

Hum ho.

Ha. Summary I guess. Lost my mom. Feel alone. A gross over simplification.

I probably need more people time at the moment. More people in my face. Reminding me to be human. And that there are other humans out there that give a shit.

Not sure.

If I was my therapist I would drop me into a tank of happy caring people that would noodle around me for a few weeks.

I am not my therapist.

And feel the inclination to do the reverse. 

Emotion vs Intellect perhaps.

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