Nov 9

 Hard week. Feeling very ill at times, to mildly ill at others. Difficult to shake the after effects of covid, and my nausea and everything associated with it has been running riot.

Long story short, I am losing every other day to illness. Literally. In bed. Sick.

At the persistent well meaning nagging from a friend, I booked a visit to see the GP.

Not without some contest.

On the one hand, this has kinda been my plan. Go back to the doc. Report my nausea is still ongoing, and no, its not just "antibiotics" and all I need to do is take some "probiotics". Been there, done that, several months in, same problem. Force them to understand more shit needs to be done. And if necessary go private.

On the other hand.

I am feeling ill. With little energy. And the energy I do have I'd rather not go to the doc only to get a probable repeated episode of smashing my head into a brick wall. For one, it wastes my energy. For two, its incredibly demotivating, isolating et al. It is, something of a headfuck.

Under the circumstances, given the absolute dripping negativity that is often associated with a GP visit, you can understand that it's not exactly irrational to not want to do that. Particularly when you're feeling ill. Would you like some punishment to go with your ill feeling ? No. Not really.

Nevertheless.

Off I went today.

After all my friend said.  What's the worst that could happen.

I could waste my energy and time I said.

So I went.

Very nice doc. Skimmed my notes. No clue. Oh you've had a lot of tests done. Perhaps you should see a dietician.

She noticed the mad frog pills.

Oh, you're nuts. She starts to talk to me in baby terms about mental health. Perhaps I should see someone ? Have you considered, it's all in your head.

.

.

.

Brilliant. The last doc flicked over the surgery and came to the conclusion. Anti biotics. Take pro biotics, now fuck off.

Todays doc was like. Oh. You must be crazy.

I explained that I was very good with mental health. Dealing with it for 15 years. I know my CBT. I know this that and the other. Oh she says. So this is not something new to you that you're dealing with.

No.

Well. Maybe we can park the psychologist ( ah ha ha, like you'd get one anyway ), and talk to a dietician.

Have you thought about monitoring your diet.

I just told you I had been doing so. I will reiterate. I have been tracking my diet for the last 9 months.

But yeah. Still. Have you tried monitoring your diet.

Are we speaking different languages ? Do you think I am an imbecile.

I realised, GPs do. They deal with all sorts. They have no time to know me. Understand what I have already done. Where I am currently. They zip through notes for 30 seconds and come to a snap decision pulled out of their ass.

And then proceed to ignore anything you say.

Goodbye. Thank you.

I didn't kick off. But I wasn't entirely shy of showing my contempt. Thanks. I said. Half heartedly.

I walked out of the surgery with yet another example of a failed attempt to get some more movement and investigation into my health issues.

My mood lowered. I had been given a very firm lesson. I am on my own. They don't, can't, won't give a shit. Like asking for surgical help from a first aid kit on a football field. They are incapable of providing that level of health care. And unwilling to refer you to someone who can. They are low level dispensers of pills, lotions and bandages. With a smug air of condescension and treating everyone like the worst kind of idiot.

I have wrestled with the blues about this today. I could have done without it. I felt quite ill at the docs. It cost me a lot to get myself there. And my reward was condescension. Tip top. 5/5. Would go again.

Despite things like post viral syndrom and CFS on my record. No attempt to investigate what is by this time an increasingly widely known diagnosis that needs care and investigation to unwind its effects.

No. Out the door. See you later.

There is no health service for me in this. None. Nada. Zip. Zero.

I am on my own.

Depressing.

If I could withdraw my money from the NHS, I would at this point. I am paying for a service that I get nothing from. At least give me my money back, and I will seek care elsewhere.

I need time to ruminate on this. Time to get better - hopefully I can just slowly nurse myself better, or at least to a better place like I was at in the summer. And then. Seriously consider going private. I think a private GP. Followed by a private referral to get a camera shoved up and shoved down. And either it gets crossed off the list as no problem. Or a problem is found and we can think about a next step. Either way. The investigation continues.

Unlike the NHS. Which would be happier if I just dropped dead at this point. Another statistic on the "Excess Mortality" chart.

https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/why-are-excess-deaths-higher-now-than-during-covid/

Ho hum.

I've had enough of the NHS. Whilst I whole heartedly support a socialised health service. It occurs to me there is a downside. There is nothing stopping such a service basically treating you with contempt and not giving you a service. What are you going to do ? Not pay ? Ho ho. You get no say or leverage in your healthcare. You get what you're given. And if the service has worked out it can get away with giving you fuck all. You're gonna get fuck all. Same shit happened with British Rail. You get the lowest service they can get away with. And get no say about it. Fuck you. ( Not that privatisation is better, it just gives you new and different evils to deal with ).

So. I am done with the NHS. Not a fan. Not a supporter. Not sure what the answer is. But it's not the NHS.

That being said. I'm pretty sure no matter where you are, what health service you have, there is a tendency over time for all doctors to become cynical, jaded and unhelpful. They just get sick of it I guess. And end up becoming part of the problem. The same issue with judges in the justice system, which is why you have juries. So they decide shit. As unjaded, uncynical common people. Rather than the jaded, hang em all, judge who has seen too many bad cases and become disillusioned with it all.

I would bet dollars to donuts the same applies to doctors. 

As ever, I can analyse the problem.

But I can do fuck all to solve it.

Sweet, sweet torture.

And in the case of healthcare it's not even an academic discussion. A theoretical. It effects me in the most real and visceral way possible. Something I cannot ignore as much as I would love to.

Wonderful.