Dec 3

 Tired. Sandy eyes. Late. So late it's early.

Brain is humming full of stuff, ready to roll, let's gooooo.

The rest of me disagrees.

My patience and acceptance of people slowly recovers. Very. Slowly. I am still it has to be said in something of a fuck it mindset, done with the rise and fall of others. The about faces. The inconsistencies. I am tired of people being people. Which is not really like me. But eh. And also, as noted before, contravenes my whole, don't let others alter your behaviour for the worst. But. It happens. I am unsure if this whole "mood" lifts or it sticks. It could be a bit of a mindset shift overall. Time will tell.

Despite me lapsing into a quiet phase, or at least, on my half, lapsing into a quiet phase, I have not been given space to do so. I've had people seek me out to chat. Or ask. Or yada. I am not avoiding people. I am just not seeking people. So as it turns out. I have had plenty of unintentional social contact over the last week. But. Very much in a mindset of, uh huh, what do you want. No mood to initiate or keep conversations rolling.

D has kept me company a lot of that time. Chit chat. Deep delves into life. I get a lot out of chatting to D. And he gets a lot out of chatting to me. Of late he is having trouble processing the news that his colleague has announced she will leave some time next year. This is difficult for D. He bonds closely - if allowed - to those he works with ( more than arguably too close ), and, his relationship with this particular long time colleague is complex, and like an iceberg a lot of it lies below the visible surface. In my estimation he's in an emotional relationship with them. No physicality. But everything else. Significant other. But it's unstated. Ephemeral. She has a truck load of issues. And you have two people with complex personal shapes, trauma and personalities, plus a butt load of mental issues in some strange unlabelled dance around each other.

Cutting through the weeds. The fallout is obvious. Loss. Grief. Which is what D is going through. Although he only half understands it, and rationalises it away in other directions whilst at the same time acknowledging the bond. Is it just work based. Relationship based. The all too common blend of both that D continually gets into. But. Tricky. He doesn't fully acknowledge the relationship side of it. Just the work side. The relationship side remains something of a scary taboo place for him. For a lot of deep complicated reasons.

In a way it's the old story of two "friends" loving each other, but never really telling the other that. 

The upshot is, he's spent a lot of time with me in the last week distracting himself from the angst. Which. I find perfectly understandable and relatable to. D on the other hand is still working through it, and puzzling out why his emotions are the way they are, in particular, why there is also a sense of relief there that he can move on - his words - once she leaves.

Because my dude. You have been in a holding pattern with this girl for years. Orbiting at an exact distance. Not too close. But close enough. An exquisite torture of unstated emotions from both sides. The girl a mess, self loathing, achiever, anxious to a fault about showing any emotion or letting people get through her final hard shell, and him, never wanting to overstep, worried about a whole bunch of optics on a potential relationship, age, work, personality, but despite all that, clearly, and obviously ( if not to himself ), in love. And she for her part returns it. In the only way she can - emotionally stunted.

I've uh. Had some personal experience with that stuff in the past. Emotionally repressed others dancing at a perfect distance to maintain closeness and intimacy, yet dancing away when they get spooked, incapable of comitting, and utterly shit at dealing or understanding their own emotions or needs ( repressed to death by of course, shitty parenting. No emotions for you ! bottle them up ! and run away from emotion, particularly positive ones ). It can be quite the headfuck. The significant other yet not significant other. One prone to jealousy but also nonchalance. To intimacy and distance. To fierce loyalty and angry fleeing.

Anywho. For D. Letting all that finally go is, of course, a release. Not having to fret about her all the time.

Life and people are messy. Things get overcomplicated. And you can't tell anyone anything. Things will just go, how they go. By and large.

That being said, D puts a lot of weight on anything I say. Which. Is. Eh. Worrying. I feel a lot of responsibility with my words. And I can often cut too quickly and too brutally to the point. And my words can often be misinterpreted without a huge amount of framing.

Difficult.

I worry about D. He is, in many ways, vulnerable. Heart on sleeve. Pushed to do his best for everyone around him. And somewhat prone to falling down holes of his own making ( foot in mouth syndrome is a common one for him ). In other ways he is, of course, the all doing, all achieving, confident charismatic leader. But that's the thing isn't it. People are many things. And underneath it all. He is vulnerable. As I think most givers are. I think there is something in there about people who give freely are open to hurt. Are vulnerable. Those that take and hoard. Defend themselves and hole up, never daring to be in a vulnerable position. Avoiding emotional situations. Trying to control everything around them. Fear is the common denominator. Ironically. Those who clam up the most and take, are those who live fearing the worst and avoiding it. Those who give acknowledge it and accept what happens.

Moving on.

Yesterday was works Christmas do. In the long distant past this has not been my bag. Work celebrations or evenings out or yada have never been my thing. Despite having been at places with a) lovely people and b) places with a lively friendly want to go out with each other mentality. I enjoyed their vibe. A lot. But I did not go out. Despite being cajoled many a time. This was my space. No. On the edges. In the shadows. Talk 1 to 1. But not as a group. Not me. In hindsight this was as much about me being... a little fucky... and a little anxious... as it was about me being more of a solitary animal. I can be super social when I want to be. Or feel like I should be. These days I can flip as I care to. My instinct is to be that anti social loner. But I can do a bang up job of being the life and charisma of a social do. But my mood is fickle with such things.

Anyway, now I make the effort to go to the works christmas do. And it's nice. Very nice. Some of the faces change over the years. But the core people. Andy. His orbiting people who sometimes work for us, sometimes don't. They don't change. And there is much love there. Cut out all the money and shenanigans, and it's a nice bunch of people. And it's genuinely nice to see everyone.

For my part I get plenty of love when I attend. Perhaps because I'm The Director Dude ? I don't think it is however. Those no longer employed are also genuinely happy to see me.

Perhaps this is my alter ego I don't entirely understand. That happy, charismatic dude who can turn up and people like and are drawn to. The no fear all confidence leader type.

The not me.

The other me that is not really me.

*scratches head*

I honestly have shit visibility to how I look. I can. Get the sense of it. Based on how people react. I got the exact same reactions at board games. As Hazel used to mockingly say, you don't see the way they look at you. They look up at you with adoring eyes.

I say this not as some aspect of bragging. Ooh. Look at me. Really. Not. At all. It remains, still, at it's heart, a mystery to me. Sometimes I get it intellectually. Emotionally. It does not compute. That's why I find it interesting to constantly turn over. A puzzle. That I can't entirely figure out. Look. Isn't this weird ? What's going on ?

Who am I ?

I know who I think I am. And others think they know who I am. I am not sure my version of me does, or should hold any more weight than anyone elses.

Tricky.

Don't get me wrong. It's only tricky for me because I am a fucktard.

It's kinda funny that I can't quite get it. I am aware it should be fairly obvious. But I am missing the necessary running gear to get it.

Anyway. All that aside. It was a nice evening. Good food. And much love. And it does bring everyone together. That shit is important. Even at work. It binds people.

I met a couple of new staff. Both super young. One new engineer. One new PR staff. The PR staff is very reminscent of one of my exes. Andy commented on it. Does she remind you of X ? Yes. She does.

Just a tiny bit... disconcerting. Like going back in time 15 years.

And that will be why my heart blipped just a tiny bit and a small but noticeable gravity well was around her.

I never truly get over people. You just. Grow. Further. Past them. But they don't go. Ever. 

I don't know if that works the same way for everyone else. I kinda suspect it does not. At least not without a whole bunch of negativity and hate in there as well.

She seemed... incredibly young. Incredibly tiny. I felt old. And worn out. Ha. Ah. I can remember when I was young and looking up. Now I am old and looking down everything behind me. Time. Weird shit. Some of that stuff feels like yesterday. Blink. And I am suddenly at the opposite end of the story.

The engineer was your classic nerd type. Also super young. And timid. Of course. Figuring out this whole work shit.

I wonder how long we will keep them for. Probably not over long. And at that age. They will be pinging around most likely, like a hamster on speed.

Andy noted that this year marks 20 years in business. And 25 years working with him. A long time. The last decade has flashed by stupid quick.

Old.

Spoke to my nephew recently. He's struggling hardcore. Headed for a crisis in my humble opinion. I really need to get down at Christmas and see him. I am still mulling over what to do for him. There isn't a whole lot I can do this far away from him. The obvious answer would be to spend time with him every day or every other day. Slowly integrate him out into the wider world. Let him learn whilst I take the social lead. Shield him from the stuff he can't deal with until he learns it's ok.

But I can't do that so far away.

And there's no one around him that is going to do that for him.

Difficult. So. Other approaches.

Still thinking about it.

I spoke briefly to D about it. Professionally. Did he have any particular processes in place to deal with paranoia and trauma. No. Not really. He queried whether I had the bandwidth to take the problem on.

Eh. Eh. I know what he's saying.

In this case. I feel like I have no choice.

Do the thing.

Or die trying.

Amirite ?