Dec 4

 Slept a lot yesterday. Seems to be a kind of pattern at the moment - if I have to be busy during a day, or step up to the plate of normality for a while, I then crash the following day.

Limited energy reserves I guess ( and also very neatly fits into the whole CFS malarkey ).

My kind of anti social kick is still in place. Yesterday I really had to fight it. The urge to quit stuff like Facebook is strong. I mean. I don't exactly like Facebook anyway. And the original reason I was on there was to manage the whole games malarkey. As I don't do that anymore, my primary reason for having it has disappeared.

Of course. I've just fallen into using it, and more than anything, using it to communicate to people I know. Just another chat thing. So it has drifted along.

But my patience with people has waned. And my anti social demons want it burned.

There is one person on there that I know it would probably affect a lot if I quit - limited other communication channels -, especially if I did it without talking to them.

So I told them what I was thinking, and whether they would be ok with it.

Polite.

No. They would not be ok with it.

Uhhh. Ok.

So I wont be doing that.

I can't say I was thrilled. They laughed at my unthrilledness. But I accept the point. I am also aware they are not only doing it for their own reasons, but because they want me to stay connected. Social. Uh huh.

We had a long chat about why that wasn't just a knee jerk reaction, but more of a, eesh, I need less of the world in my face.

I do think the constant stream of information and chatter is neuroses inducing. It makes people twitchy. Crazy at worst. You don't have to look too far into Twitter to see it. There is, it has to be said, a lot for unplugging for periods of time, and just feeling the wind on your face and going for a walk. Less worry about what everyone is doing right this second, and wars and arguments and crises, and more about watching the clouds slide by.

As I've covered before, I think the whole space is a giant unwitting psychological experiment everyone is involved in. A paradigm busting behaviour change. I suspect there are some really negative consequences for it - look to the young uns if you want to see the dramatic ground zero impacts of it. The canaries in the cage.

All very nice.

Beyond that. At one level, for me personally, it's just another showdown between the anti social isolationist in me, and the socially integrated person.

The more of an altered state I am, the more power gets fed to the anti social isolationist. Bunker mode.

This time around there are good rational reasons to just walk away - not altered state thinking. So the fight is going towards isolation. But for the moment I have allowed an external point of view to make the deciding vote. Do not isolate. Or at least. Not like that.

Eh Meh. We shall see.

Even though I know full well it's probably bad for my mental state, I really have a strong pull at the moment to just completely bunker up and watch the days go by.

In my less than generous mood of late, I have been once again reconsidering relationships. Taking a hard look at shit I put up with or don't. Some of it doesn't come out great. I can reward shitty behaviour.

I read an article about people with few boundaries. That need to help. Make sure it's all ok. Defuse situations. It's a personality archetype. Bound up with a traumatic upbringing of your parents telling you to shut up, put up, no love etc. Uh huh. At this point. No shit sherlock. It also had some interesting things to say also about making it hard to accept love or compliments ( yes ), to continually have your weak boundaries taken advantage of ( oh... yes... ), and the interesting one - to get involved in at least somewhat abusive relationships where you have to work hard to get the approval of the other, because, anything else feels too easy and fake.

Oh.

Ohhhh.

Food for thought. The article did wander off in the weeds of over extrapolation and anecdotes. So. There is that. Take it with a pinch of salt. But uh huh. It did make me think.

Anywho.

Fuck that noise.

Be zen. Be quiet. Be at one with being ill half the time.

Whilst on the subject of ill.

I think the hole in my butt is back.

The surgeon said they can come back like half the time. Multiple surgeries required.

I think it's back. Well. I know it's back.

I am, as you do, just ignoring the fact for the moment, and just hoping it goes away on it's own.

Which is, I know, a dead smart thing to do.

Meh.

I find my zero faith in all things GP is a massive obstacle to even bothering to mention it at this point.

So. I will ignore it for the moment.

Good times.