Dec 8

 Work. Work. Work work work.

Of one form or another.

I am making a habit of staying up past midnight coding. Not entirely sure what's going on. Apparently I have a bit of coding fire back again.

Andy recently has convinced me to go back to doing a 3 day week. Because he really needs it. Work is piling up.

I kinda agreed without thinking about it.

I've thought about it. And it's a mistake.

So I need to correct that and tell him that no, on properly considering it, rather than just being ambushed in a dev conversation, that no, I am not doing 3 days.

I think I might propose a temporary uplift to 3 days. But I am not sure. I mean. It's aces for Andy. For me ? Eh. Meh.

In pure terms, I can do another 4 or 5 days work a month. And walk away with £1k. Which is a lot to many. But to me. It's not worth it. I'd rather have the 4 or 5 days thank you very much. I am very grateful that I have the luxury of being able to make choices like that. Or that my skills are highly valued ( then again, its definitely not luck I have the skills I do, but, in life, luck is always the key thing, everything else is just so much waffle. Tesla died penniless. A genius. Life fucked him over. Uh huh. Luck is a bitch. )

I think on the latest bit of work I've been doing, in real terms, I probably earned something like £1.5k. Andy earned somewhere North of £12k.

Eh heheheh.

I did say to him it was outrageous.

Eh well.

With work piling up, and a profit margin like that, who wouldn't want me working more ?

Personally, I'm not in it for the money. Some money, sure. Have to pay the gas bill somehow. But I am way beyond thinking that muuuerrrrr, I just need a better mueerrrr shitty job.. mueerrr go up the pay scale.. mueeerr. No one ever got anywhere doing a fucking 9-5 job for someone else.

This does raise one of the fundamental reasons for me not doing extra time. I'd like to channel my power for my own good ( happiness, fulfilment ), rather than straight into everyone elses pockets. Be that Andy, or our clients. I am kinda, more than a little sick at this point of being the golden goose that everyone loves to have around. I was ok with that for quite a while. I am a charitable kinda person. But eh. Enough is enough I think. I've been more than generous with my time and skills.

Still. A little extra money in these days of heating poverty and outrageous inflation doesn't go amiss.

But it's not what I want do be doing. And time is ticking.

If you take such things in perspective of useful life time you have left. Every day you spend doing shit for everyone else and not yourself is a day wasted. Even if they really are keen that you should do more for them. Please. Pretty please.

Imagine you have a week left to live. Do you do that extra days work for someone else ?

Ah ha ha ha.

No.

How bout a month left to live ? A year ? 5 ?

Mmm. It's still pretty grim. Time is finite. And a grubby bit of money earned pays for that finite time. Life stealing. Worse if someone else is raking it in off your time. The game of capitalism. Exploit others ! Fucking shite.

Anywho.

Boundaries.

Enforce them.

I'll have a chat with Andy about it tomorrow. I get the feeling he thinks he just won the lottery work wise. I need to manage that expectation before it develops into full blown complacent entitlement.

Other than that.

Still in a quiet mood. A darker less charitable mood. I was even mulling over just shutting up for good. Say nothing. Nod quietly. Shrug your shoulders when no one knows how that happened. It's just easier all round playing dumb. Which is not a great attitude. But. Eh. Meh. Perhaps I've finally taken one too many disappointments. Maybe.

That in itself comes with its own challenges though. Knowing the screamingly obvious answer to shit, when everyone else is goldfishing. Not easy to just shut your mouth and say nothing. And bottling it up is no answer. It would turn into resentment. And toxicity. The whole chip on a shoulder thing. The answer is to be zen about it. Bigger picture. It is what it is. Flow with the river. Do not try to stand against it. So sayeth zen.

So many times I honestly find myself orbiting around some kind of zen or buddhist piece of philosophy. I do get that some of their thinking makes an awful lot of sense. Eject the absolute chaos of always do. Just. Be. And don't fight. Don't struggle against nature. But. It is very passive. Super. Passive. Tree levels of passive. I get the feeling that right at the bottom of absolute passivity is something that could easily be mistaken for evil. On that, I am not sure the buddhists have it right.

Anyway.

During this period of lowered warmth to my fellow humans, I have come to the cynical conclusion that people can't change, won't change, are largely locked into their fuckery, for good, or most likely, ill.

And this. Is pretty dark overall. I Wouldn't recommend reading it. But....

I am very aware of what lies within the normal human condition. The flaws and failings.And also how to if not fix them, then definitely ease them, or help in finding a better path for many of them. But it comes down to this.

It's not about whether something is possible or not. Break out of an abusive relationship. Dig yourself out of towering self delusion. Stop the awful coping mechanisms of raining shit on everyone else. All of those things are eminently possible. Even if its painstaking inch by painstaking inch. But no, it's not about the possibility. It's about how feasible those things are.

I often point out what the fundamental drives and natures of people are. And I often hear back, oh yes, but what about X. Or if only this was Y. Or that could happen. Or I am different. Or oh I know that, I Am not like that. Or blah.

And I take the point. Sure. It's all possible. And maybe you are different. And leave it open.

But yeah. No. Fuck that.

Yeah, it's possible. But it's not feasible. Human nature is human nature for a reason. Because that's what people end up doing all the fucking time. Not because other things are impossible. They aren't. They are very possible. But people wont do that shit. Because. That's how people are made. And human nature becomes observable human nature. The common thing that is done. It's darkly hilarious.

It's possible everyone could get up tomorrow, decide war is a thing of the past. No more wars. It's possible that we could all decide to feed, clothe and get healthcare for everyone that needs it tomorrow. Within a week most of the world would be sorted. Within six months, a utopia. It's possible. The resources are there. It doesn't break any fundamental rules of physics. It doesn't require any massive thinking. All those problems are understood by even the youngest of minds. We could do it. Tomorrow. Easy.

Is it feasible ?

Fuck no.

None of that is going to change. People will still go hungry. Wars will be fought. People will delude themselves about their situations. Themselves. Act out. 

Because it's human nature.

Oh ho. Sure. It's the system. It's late stage capitalism. Uh huh. Sure.

It's also people. Everyday. Normal. Common. People.

Also not doing the thing. Not growing. Not fucking doing shit. Telling themselves lies. And bullshit. And pretending they are different. No no. I am not being abused. He loves me really. And besides. This is different. I am different. But in actuality are the same as everyone else.

So.My new recent shiny thinking. I don't believe that people can fundamentally change. Or if so, rarely. And a rare type of breed of person to do it.

I think people are what they are. Stuck. Forever. In their loops. And once you look closer, more often that not, full of bullshit and hypocrisy. The irony is, they desperately want to fix it. But in reality. They cannot act on the solutions. Don't want to act on the solutions. Can be hostile to any upset of the status quo. Comfort in misery. But an odd kind of comfort. An awful comfort. Horrible. But that too, is human nature. An endless sea of wasted potential.

That is the fundamental truth about humanity. We are all capable. Fuck all of us do shit. Most of us end up stuck in circular ruts of our own making. 

I have seen it far too often. Always the same goddamn story. Epic levels of self rationalising bullshit. People stuck. Like a moth continually batting into a glass ceiling where a light sits beyond. Never able to grasp the open window 30cm away. Shoo them in that direction and you will get panic. Anger. Offence. No. Please. 

*donk*

*donk*

*donk*

Have you tried just going through the open...

FUCK YOU !

Well. Ok then.

*donk*

*donk*

*donk*

Please.. so .. hard.. how to I get to the light...

*donk*

Well, you could try...

FUCK YOU !

sigh

*donk*

*donk*

Eh heheheh.

Clearly I am full of the joys and wonders of life, humanity and the world, and not at all utterly jaded, disappointed and cynical with it all.

Purgatory.

Despite this particularly uncharitable dark conclusion I have drawn about my fellow man, I am kind of.. at peace. I am ok within myself. My health is always a struggle. But. Even that. I am at the moment, zen with. I find myself with optimism about my future. Nothing grand. Nothing explosive. Just. Quiet. And content. Noodling. I feel like as flawed as I am, I have a way better fucking grasp of the understanding of life than everyone else around me.

But maybe I am just delusional.

I think perhaps I have put down the burden of everyone else. Ish. And am content with where I sit.

Eh.

Who knows. Give it a week.

And it could all be the other way around again.

But maybe not.

The longer this "mood" goes on for. The longer I suspect it's going to stick.