10th Feb

 Felt like shit yesterday. Everything ached, everything was pain.

Been there, done that, got the t shirt.

Not sure what it is that goes on, but something triggers a massive increase in aches and pains all over. Like, all over. And everything you touch hurts. Lying down hurts. Whatever touches the bed, hurts.

This was the thing I had for months - years - on end at one point and just put down to getting old. I would groan when standing up. Hobble down a single step. Just me getting old.

Except it wasn't.

It's something else. Surprise ! It vanished for many months, and now only occasionally makes a small reappearance. It's most definitely not aging.

I think it's possibly related to diet and hydration. If I am dehydrated it can flare up.

Not super sure what to make of it. For the most part it's under control. But when it does flare up, it's shit. I have a tentative loose theory that it's "spiky blood". Very unscientific. To be more scientific, I think it's the level of uric acid in my blood, when I am dehydrated it spikes - and I can be super shit at getting appropriate hydration because I can often - like many things - just not bother. The usual switch to do something about that never goes off. This is again, another suspicion, a problem of my hyper focus and or lack of focus. The ghosts of low level ADHD or whatever you want to call it. Don't eat or drink for 12 hours and think nothing of it. Bad.

I think my blood gets gloopy and crystally when I am not paying attention. This is actually a thing with dehydration. It's why they tell people with suspect heart issues to always stay hydrated, the less hydrated you are, the harder the heart has to pump to push around the blood. The less liquid you have, the more it turns to jam. It's also ironically why a fairly high dose of alcohol in your blood stream can help - because it thins it out ( ditto with aspirin ). ( As a weird anecdote, my at that point sister in laws grandad managed to live a few extra days before his heart gave out because he was so drunk. Not an opinion, a fact noted by the medical practitioners of the day. He was boozed out on drink my old man had got him. My sister in law thanked my dad for giving him a few extra days of boozy life. A silly little story that has stuck with me ever since ( I was probably around 4 or 5 at the time ) ).

As for uric acid levels, I know for a fact that can be a problem for me. I've had gout a few times in the past, big toes, sole of my foot. And the blood tests showed it. I think by and large that was caused by a constant dose of aspirin ( which is a massive inducer of gout.. who knew... I certainly didn't, and no GP ever told me - but hospitals are aware ), which has not returned since I've carefully monitored my aspirin use. But. Nevertheless. I think I have gloopy blood. I clot super fast, rarely bleed. And. Of course. My dad has the same issues. He has been on and off rat poison - warfarin - in his time. Because of.. dun dun darrr. Gloopy blood. Another, I suspect, genetic trait in our eastern european gypsy line.

Like many things that ail me, I expect absolutely zero help or understanding from the NHS. I have told them in the past about it. It passes by under their glassy stare as if I had said nothing. Are you having a heart attack ? Do you have one of these obvious cancers ? Are you pregnant ? No. In that case, fuck off.

I have also realised that the diligent records and cross checking experiments I do on myself are of no use whatsoever to the NHS. They have their own sausage machine checklist to follow. And you are - by and large - treated like cattle.

Fair enough.

I wish I could withdraw my financial support from them. Like the American revolutionaries - no taxation without representation.

Anywho.

Athena is doing a little better all round. We've settled into a new normal that bears keeping a close eye on, and varies from day to day. Some days she's ok up the stairs. Others she struggles. She needs help getting up into stuff, a bed, a car, a sofa. On bad days she can't manage a single step. But. She's ok. Still for the most part a happy camper. She came into my bedroom this morning tail wagging. Hello. Good morning. How are you. We said our happy hellos to each other - this usually involves an extended butt scratch - and then I swooped her up and stuck her on the bed. She had a happy sniff around, some kisses, then went asleep curled up next to me. She is lovely. Dogs, are too good for us.

My mind is very often background processing her loss at this point. She's still here. Still Athena. But my mind is 9 months ahead. Background processing the grief. Not wise. But it's hard not to do it. I do my best, and shut it down, stop it, be happy she is still here. But still. Hard. I find myself at times unguarded writing and rewriting her obituary in my head. A need to find the perfect words. To capture her essence. How's that for morbid. Stop it. It's a constant battle, some days I win, some days I lose.

But I am doing a little better at the moment. Which is not saying an awful lot. I took Athena out for a short walk yesterday which nearly finished me off. Just. All round shit. People don't see how bad it can get for me at times. Typically they see me when I am doing better. The peaks. But. It's never the peaks you have to worry about. It's the troughs. When I hurt all over, gasping for breath, all the warning lights going off after a 15 minute walk around the block. Yeah. No bueno. And then, in my peaks. Swimming nearly a mile. Tromping around for miles of a walk. No ill effects.

Uh huh.

It can come and go in the blink of an eye. But typically. The lower periods are long and broad and sometimes deep. The peaks way less so. I suspect I need to have a certain level of fitness at this point to help shit out. Another defensive stratagem. I need to get swimming again to help I think. Except I have a hole in my ass. I need to figure out a pattern to go swimming when it's behaving itself, and skip when it's not. And also probably stick my head in the lions mouth and go talk to the useless fucking health service about it. But at the moment they are more focused on striking, bemoaning there is not enough money, and avoiding people ( still couldn't get through to my GP after 3 weeks, gave up in the end ).

In other news.

My niece is pregnant, due in May.

This is pretty surprising as she already has 3, the eldest of which is 16, all of which she had when she was super young ( she's only 33 now ). Her arduous path through teenage pregnancy, abusive other half, no money, no prospects, and council housing are the absolute poster child for the worst case scenario. She has made many mistakes, and they've all pretty much been extremely hard lessons. Which. She hasn't in the past done super well at learning from. She has to her credit, absolutely soldiered through, taking flak, trauma and shit up the wazoo, and raised 3 very well behaved lovely kids. Remarkable and testament to her character. She is flawed. But also strong. And her very shit path has made her all the stronger. Human condition innit. But. I think she has taken much damage and trauma in the process, and, by and large, papered over the cracks.

Ironically. Had our family been much more vocal about our mistakes and weaknesses, my mom would likely have had a lot of advice and input to give my niece, having basically been down a similar early path. I am however fairly sure, that no one in the family beyond me and my siblings knows that. And we don't know a lot about it either.

You are doomed to repeat the same mistakes you don't learn from.

If there's a really fucking great example of what clamming up and not sharing shit does. Then that would be a good contender. 

Ho hum. At this point. Far. Farrrrr too late. Decades too late. Still. I wonder if my niece would perhaps gain a little strength and comfort knowing that her gran was similar to her. Not alone. Not feeling like you're alone or a unique fuck up is very important for well being I think. ( Top tip, no one is a unique fuck up or alone in who they are, it is part of being human, the flaws and mistakes are more common than our inner demons allow ).

Anywho. My niece. I thought she was done with having kids.

But apparently her current, is he, isn't he, boyfriend convinced her against her wishes to have a kid. That she didn't want one was selfish. He wanted a family.

Big fucking yikes.

I wish sometimes some of my family would just pick up the phone and talk to me. I'll give you a very clear eyed analysis of shit and when people are being dicks. My advice would have been. Get rid of that guy. Or less likely, make him see the light. You might think this is unfair. Surely the dude should have a say too. Who is to say whos right here, the guy or the gal. Except. The responsibility by default falls to the gal in such circumstances. Guys have a tendency to fuck off. Not raise the kid. Not even pay for the kid. And also. History. My niece has been through a lot. Has 3 grown kids. Whos other halves have been twats and left. That has a pretty heavy weight to it in the consideration of whether to have another, with such a large gap in between.

Anywho. Because my niece is trauma wired to be a people pleaser ( interesting that all my sisters kids follow a similar pattern to me and my siblings, despite my sister saying she never raised them that way.. and yet.... ), she agreed. Got pregnant. And the icing on the cake. The dude has now fucked off leaving her literally holding the baby.

Oh man.

My advice would have absolutely been right. Called it. Should have kicked the dude into touch before getting pregnant. The end result of the guy being gone is the same. Just now you have an enormous responsibility to deal with as well.

I said to my sister that if there was anything I could do to help, let me know, but acknowledged there was probably fuck all I could do.

This is an interesting pattern with my sisters kids. They are all, to one extent or another, distanced from my sister. They all think they need to be strong. Definitely not share. Not deeply anyway. Not be a problem. And yada blah. Just like my parents did to us. My sister says she hasn't raised them this way. And yet. When you see her interacting with others. Like my sister in law. You see that constant pressure and moralising. Get a job. Stand up. Stop complaining. Do the thing. It's a good deal more subtle than my parents. It's never super expressed and is at times very passive aggressive. But it is there. I wonder if my sister has not inadvertently raised her kids in a similar way to my parents. Thinking about it. I also wonder if I should be a little more forceful in pointing this out. You're not quite the good guy you think you are. But eh. To what end. Water under the bridge and all that.

There are differences to my parents .. parenting. My sister genuinely gives a shit and isn't too shy ( ish ) of showing it. But. She also avoids negativity. Of tackling it and getting into it. Her response is mostly just to keep on trucking. And stand up. Mmm.

My niece is, despite clashes in the past, incredibly loyal to her mom. I have seen it a few times at social gatherings. She tries hard to help my sister. She sees the efforts she has made in the past. And, I am not entirely sure my sister sees it, but there is a fierce and proud love there. Unstated. But there. My niece also it seems has a finely tuned understanding of suffering, better than her mom.

Anyway. Take what I say with a pinch of salt. Who am I to know shit.

All of this, and other stuff, does raise the ironic hilarious prospect in me, that, if only I had lots of money. I could solve a lot of peoples problems. Buy my niece a house. Buy my nephew(s) a house. Fund my friends moves. Lives. Ease their suffering. Perhaps, after all, I should have been more money focused. Not for me. I by and large don't give a shit. But I do wish I could sprinkle money confetti around to ease the burdens.

I have - a stupid, idiotic, misguided, la la thinking - idea that at this point in my life, I should make money. Do the things. Make the big bucks. So I can turn it around and fire the cash cannon at people.

It's a nice thought.

It's utterly unrealistic.

But I like to think it's possible. And use it as a tiny, stupid, fire to motivate me to do better.

Like flogging a dead horse.

Come on. Get up. You have shit to do my buddy.

Neigh.

Ha ha.

Still. I am hopeful. Get my ducks in a row. Get better. THIS YEAR. Sort some shit out. Have fun. Make money.

Maybe ?

Probably not.

But don't be so pessimistic.

Be hopeful. Even if you fail. Just be hopeful. It's a happier way to be. 

You Can Do The Thing.

*doubt*

Dont Listen To That Guy. You Can Do The Thing !