11th Feb

 After saying Athena was doing a bit better and I was doing a bit better, we both then were very quickly not doing so better.

Athena had a bit of a struggle day yesterday. Again, she's fine. But the back legs went out on her a couple times. A couple of stumbles onto ass, general weakness. Eh. Not such a good day. But she's still happy and game, and they are - touch wood so far - just blips. But notable.

Myself, I don't know. I think I had a super CFS day. Really. Fucking. Hardcore. Exhaustion. Coinciding with my ass being.. an ass. Related ? Mmmm.

Yesterday in the morning I had a normal person thought.

I'd make some bread. Put on a stew. Take Athena for a walk. And Hazel could shampoo her.

Sounds reasonable. Sounds good.

So I weighed out some bread stuff and threw it in the breadmaker.

Uhh ok. I feel tired. Rested.

Dragged myself to make the stew - prepped the vegetables. After 10 minutes my legs were shaking. My arms were shaking. My heart was racing. Another 10 minutes I was nauseous, unwell, exhausted.

Fucking amazing.

I stopped a couple of times to just breathe. Slow. Rest.

Christ on a cracker.

It's at moments like these you realise just how fucking debilitating The Shit can be. I can't make dinner without super struggle busing.

I gritted my teeth and got through it and went to collapse on my bed.

Ready for walk texted Hazel ?

Abso-fucking-lutely not. Wasted. Let me have a nap and I will get back to you.

An hour later, I dragged myself up and we went for a shorter walk, which, by the end of it, I was burnt out again.

It's really shit. And really obvious. Sometimes the, whatever it is, CFS just absolutely digs its claws in and drains you flat so quick, followed by feeling unwell. Heart palpitations. Everything out of whack. You name it. It's that post covid delight I have had since 2020.

Eh well.

I resorted to a cup of tea with caffeine in it in the evening. A bit of a risk. I wax and wane between no caffeine and not paying super attention to it but not overdosing on it these days. After a few days of laxness I can find my heart racing and palpitating at night. The 2am pitter patter crazy butterfly beat is not cool.

The caffeine tea picked me up. Made me burn a little brighter. Evened me out.

Ho hum. A continual voyage of discovery and bullshit that is never quite the same twice.

So. Today. Gonna talk a little about Masking.

The term Masking seems to have popped up a little more in the general zeitgeist of mental health stuffs, and just people in general of late, and is the catchall word for when someone is showing something they actually aren't. IE, smiling instead of crying. Putting on a brave face.

The whole practice of it has arguably been going on for as long as people have been around to throw rocks at each other. And through history it has been referred to in many ways, the different faces people have, an act, a show, or indeed, a mask. Relating to something you put on for theatre.

In our modern society it's super prevalent. People mask their fears, their flaws, their weaknesses all the time. This is particularly true when it comes to neuro divergent behaviour. Autism. Any manner of mental health difficulty.

In fact something like depression is the master of masking. I'm ok. Nothings wrong. Take them out of sight and the story is very different.

That it happens is fact. Why it happens is theory. But probably something about not showing vulnerability or actively being vulnerable. Oddly you see this same stuff in dogs. One of their few mental quirks. They will not show pain or suffering until it has basically become unbearable and probably life threatening. The current thinking behind that, is that any wolf that shows weakness in the wild is quickly left behind or eaten. So. Don't show weakness.

Perhaps it's the same with us.

Mental health issues masking is huge. Common. Dangerous. Part of the problem.

The other part of the problem is when others that are perhaps party to both the masking and the unmasking, become confused as to why the person seems to be ok in one situation, then collapses in another.

With uncharitable thinking, this can quickly turn into the thought that, oh, they must be faking it. Or putting it on. Or getting extra sympathy. Why don't you just fucking get over yourself and pull yourself together.

When in fact. Typically it's the person putting on an exhausting show of normality, before, somewhere where they feel safe, collapsing into a mess.

Accusations of them faking it at this point, then just becomes extra salt in the wounds.

It's something to worth bearing in mind at all times. And it's also something to consider what your relationship is to said person. If they truly trust you, it's more likely you are to see them collapse into that mess. The less comfortable they are around you, the more you're likely to see the mask. Expertly applied.

This is not an assessment on that individuals relationship. The nature of someone feeling "safe" or not is nebulous. And doesn't always equate to their significant other. Or family member. Or otherwise. Sometimes it just comes down to what shit people have been through together.

When someone has seen you with your ass hanging out in ER, then, everything else seems pretty tame in comparison. But for those that weren't there. The pretence is kept up.

In short, it's complicated, and, no one should take it personally if someone doesn't feel "safe" enough to collapse on you. Also. It's a guilt thing. Of not wanting to burden people. And that whole circle of negative self assessment.

So. Masking. Very real. Very common.

And a reminder to just be kind, rather than accusatory. Help, rather than kick.

Sadly, because people are the way they are, being unkind and kicking can often be the first response. Because it's easier - you don't have to worry about them. You just have to hate them a bit. You can also victim blame and wash your hands of it. It requires the least emotional cost and the greatest distance.

Also sadly, I know one or two people like this who think they are kindly souls and are oblivious to their invective.

Problematic.