18th Feb

 Athena has struggled off and on today. I had to scoot her up the stairs at one point. She was most happy to have been scooted. She doesn't complain when she can't do shit and just adapts. But. If you figure it out and do it for her, she's happier.

She seems to get super stiff when she's been asleep for a while. Not sure if it's the position or what, but she locks up hard and takes a while to shake it off.

Old age. Ares was similar in the last 18 months of his life. He too started to struggle to get onto sofas, beds, etc. He never lost the ability to go upstairs though.

Sad topic all round. Shitty time. Shitty old age. Life can be so very cruel, and often by the end of it, gets the opportunity to be so.

Otherwise.

Today, on a whim, I had a new TV delivered. I haven't bought a TV in a decade.

Once a long ago when the big flat screen TVs were first out in the UK, I went through a phase of buying a new one everytime a good sale came along. A TV for every other room. Because. And they've all done me proud. When you work it out, pound for pound, they've cost me something like 5 to 10p a day so far. Which. Is nothing. Given my gas bill at the moment averages about £5 a day. Uh huh.

But I bought a new one for the bedroom the other day. From 45, to 55. From LED, to QLED. From dumb, to smart. From HD, to Ultra HD. In truth I just went down a bit of a rabbit hole ADHD thing. Wanted better sound for the bedroom. Realised the TV preceded eArc. Though it might be an idea to get a new one. Didn't bother. Researched all manner of sound systems. Tracked my way back, and at random, found a cheap deal for a modern TV.

To be honest there's nothing wrong with the old one. And this is weird. But that goddamn TV has seen me through some of the worst moments of life, curled in a ball in bed, its pictures easing my brain, its sounds with my back turned to it, lulling me to sleep. It's been real. It has seen relationships start, end. Ares come. Ares go. My health be abysmal. And it still goes today.

It's stupid to get sentimental about a TV.

But I dunno. I feel like the things that accompany you through the worst of it pick up some kind of feedback to them. Not just an item.

It's the thing that got me through a suicidal patch. The thing that I watched when I desperately wanted to switch lives with anyone. The awful. The cool.

It has a hundred stories attached to it.

So yeah. It has meaning. And at times. That TV has been my only lifeline. As sad as that is.

It's not the first time I have got sentimental over a TV. The last one was my nans. To be clear, she died some 35 and more years ago. She bought one of the first remote controlled TVs there were, when I was a real young kid. I used to like visiting my nan, and whilst she chatted with my mom, I'd watch her TV. And when I stayed with her, we'd both watch TV together. She'd have her programs she wanted to watch.

And so when she died. I got her TV. I went through my teenage years with it. My 20's. I moved and took it with me to my girlfriends. And even when I got a new one, I kept it, stuck it in the bedroom, much to the annoyance of my gf at the time. Moved again and sat and watched it in an empty house, devoid of furniture except for my nans TV. Hey nan. New house. Same TV. Hope you're doing ok.

It became for me, a tie to my nan. It was a very real bit of her, still with me. Other TVs came along, and I put my nans TV in the corner. Stored. Not gone. Not thrown out. Just sitting. Waiting.

Until so many goddamn years after it had trailed with me, I decided I had to get rid of it. Clear out some stuff that I had just been keeping forever. And so I got rid of it.

And I'll be honest. It twinged giving that up. There was part of me that didn't want to let it go. It was part of my nan. Part of me. Part of my life. And giving it up felt like cutting a bit off of me.

Stupid.

And I junked it.

But I still think about it.

I'm like that with a lot of stuff. People. I do not let go easily. Or at all. The things that mean stuff to me... continue to mean stuff to me. And the older I get, I think the more I realise that it does actually matter. Because those things are intertwined with who you were, are, your story. And I can and do let go of stuff. But, oddly enough, stupidly enough, it costs me to do so. I often put a happy face on it. Or don't say a word. But it costs. And for some things it hurts. A lot. I let people go. And it kills me. But I shut up. Because that's how it is.

In many ways I don't get how the world is supposed to work. That everyone just gets on with it. I don't get how people can just.. ignore.. how shit it all is. Clearly, something wrong with me.

But anyway. New TV.

Foolishly I took the old one down and stuck the new one up on my own. This is high order dumbassery. Sticking a 55" TV up on your own, above your head, whilst having to stretch over is asking for trouble.

But I did it anyway.

CFS get wrecked. Ask me again tomorrow.

And I am pleased with it. Another bargain. And it's really cool. And it makes me realise just how much peace I get out of staring at a dumb screen. Because it's not dumb. It tells me stories and takes me on journeys and lets me leave my reality and life far behind. I get to be someone else, go someplace other. And for that. It's amazing.

Still. As completely dumb as it was. I felt sad about putting the old remote control to rest. It felt like an old friend. Thanks my dude. You have never let me down. I am sorry I am putting you aside. You don't deserve that.

I know.

I'm crazy.

Ho. Ho. Fucking. Ho.

I had an invite to go out to a pub this evening. Celebrate the marriage of a couple of good friends. But my health and mentalry have not been good in the last few weeks, and I had bailed out, but said I would think about it.

In the end I didn't go. Tired. Exhasuted. Bunker mode. Withdrawn. Fucky. A mess.

I am in the mood to just let everyone drift away. That isolationist bit of me just wants it all to fade away. I don't need people it says. Just. A TV. And a computer. 

I am going to cancel all my shitty terrestial TV. I never watch it. And for years the whole TV licence bullshit to fund the BBC has irritated me. They have been crowing recently in the news about what a good deal they've secured with the government. Another remit to charge £160 for the privilege of watching terrestial TV. I hate the BBC and its licence fee. It's such a hypocritical anachronistic piece of bullshit. Everything else you can subscribe to or not. But not the BBC.

Pressure them about how shit that is, about how much money they make from selling their stuff around the world - financed by the taxpayer, or about how they justify a 600k salary for the director, or the same amount for a talentless argumentative light entertainment hack ( Jeremy Vine ! ) and they will push back about that funding providing you with a truly neutral news service that isn't in hoc to anyone. Which is nice. But doesn't explain shit like Eastenders. Or any number of sub par twattery programs they make. You want to be an independent news source ? Then do that. But that doesn't justify shit like Eastenders. Believe in your content ? How great it is ? Then you have no need to force people into paying for it. Let people subscribe to your world class content. If it's truly world class, there will be no problem.

Right ?

Except, of course, they know it would be a problem. They know the gravy train of fat pay cheques and lovely little niche projects would come to an end. Which they don't want. And so they will kick and scream to retain the right to charge you for something you probably aren't using. The BBC is one of those holdovers from an England long past. With cricket on the green, everyone in their place, no one being uppity, and the middle class taking expensive vacations whilst the working class go down the pub. The world of The Good Life.

I'd even half support them if they *just* wanted money for an independent news service. Ok. But I am not paying for Talent Nite Shite, or Saturday Night Wankery with Tit and Knucklehead, or fantasy land Eastenders dystopia. If you like that stuff. Good for you. Go get a subscription. But don't force me to subsidise your shit. Unless I can force everyone else to subsidise, I don't know, an endless stream of sci fi. Niche anime. I believe in socialised services that underline your fundamental needs as a human. Healthcare. Shelter. Energy. Food. Social care. Tax everyone, get everyone a service.  The latest episode of Eastenders ? Not so fucking much. Taxing people to make shite light entertainment is NOT a thing. Go fuck yourself.

Anywho.

I am gonna cut the TV. I only watch stuff online these days. Streamed. Or rarely on the freebooter seas. So I can cut payment to the BBC blackmail service. Which I am sure will earn me all sorts of threats and bullshit. Assholes.

Grumpy old man, shouting at the world.