25 Feb

 I spend a chunk of my time these days daydreaming.

Not doing.

But daydreaming about doing. Because, it's often all I can manage. And daydreaming about it makes me feel a bit better. I am well aware of the gap between dreaming and reality, but I am very ok with this. It's just like telling myself nice stories. And. If on the offchance I get a burst of energy, I might actually carry through.

Last night I made a plan for today. Get up. Do some groceries. Make a chicken stew. Put some potatoes on.

Easy. Good.

Today, that feels like a steep hill to climb. My system teeters on whether to collapse or to trickle on. No energy. A mild headache wanders around the front of my head. My ear screeches. Vague nausea depresses everything. Makes me feel ill. Queasy. Off. Dizziness comes and goes if I move too fast. My body feels like it has been run over and drained of all its blood. A deflated beachball. Pffffllllbt.

I came up with a new approach last night.

I am going to try and focus on those very brief moments where I can't feel anything majorly wrong. I get like, flashes of moments when if taken in isolation, I could be ok. Like 2 minutes standing getting a drink where I don't have a headache, the aches haven't kicked in, and the nausea takes a break.

Focus on that. And be content about that.

2 minutes of relative zen.

And see if I can work within that.

It's pretty shit, but it's what I got.

For now, I am gathering my strength to see if I can get washed, dressed and out for some groceries. The stew seems like wishful thinking.

On a brighter note, I had some new plants turn up in the post today. On a slightly better feeling whim at the start of the week, I purchased a couple of new pots and plants. Getting them out of their container and into the light pretty much wiped me out for the morning. But they look cool in the window. I need to do a bunch more to set them up properly, but, my energy has gone, and, at the very least, they are in the light and watered, so, they will be ok. Baby steps.