26 Feb

 Today has been a mixed bag. And so odd. And so very, post 2020 Bork. Post covid Bork.

My ear has continued to screech. It's been really bad lately. Not sure if that means anything. But anywho.

I'm still very off. Since the migraine. Off. Dizzy head. Serious flare ups in all my other usual shit. Wax and wane. I dunno.

Today I roused myself to finally make the stew I have been plotting for sometime. I did a good job of the meat and pre frying and chopping. And I didn't immediately flake out. Nor reduce to a pile of wobbling arms and legs.

Hmm. Ok. So I felt a little better. But the time I slammed it in the oven however, I was done. Exhausted. But that was ok. I was done. And it wasn't a wipe out.

The pull of exhaustion settled into my bones and the hours flew past. Despite not feeling amazing, I roused myself to go cut up a piece of mesh shelving that had been sitting in my living room for a week. A few simple cuts. Easy. 10 minutes of work. "Easy". This is pre 2020 estimations of "easy". Post 2020 estimations would be, yeah, jeez, that seems like a lot.

I did it. Exhausted me. My back was killing me, so odd. But I finished it.

Yay me. Doing things. Difficult. Shit. But. Doing things.

I checked on the stew, it had finished double quick time, so I had some with bread.

And then proceeded to feel deathly ill. Really, really bad. My eyes sucked into my head. My chest fluttered. Aches. Pains. And my mind scattered.

What. The. Fuck.

Somewhere in there I felt so bad, I once again thought my time was up. A stitching headache, weird zaps, and just feeling so goddamn ill. My heart tip tapped all over the show. Pretty sure at one point I started to panic. Not as in, running around the room panicking. But my body started to panic. You're dying. No no no no no. Animal instinct. I just let it go. Calmed myself. It's ok. You don't mind dying right ? Oh. Yeah. But. It feels like we're dying. Uh huh. Ok. If you do, you do. Not so bad.

I desperately wanted to sleep. Exhausted. Eyes wanted to shut. But for some reason, I didn't, I fought it. No. Fuck you. This is not what normal people do. And it made me feel ill. But I gritted my teeth.

I dunno why I did it. I have to say, I was kinda loosing my mind for part of it. Just. Truly waiting to die. Do you know how fucky that is ? Just sitting there, feeling the pain creep over you, and expecting to cark it in the next minute. Just waiting. Truly. Believing. This is it. Everything narrows down to that point. Everything in life seems so... trivial.

It's a mind fuck.

3 hours later, it had lifted a bit. I check the time with Alexa, how long had passed. 3 hours.

I thought about returning to my wire mesh shelf and doing the next bit for it. Sticking it back together. But I found I did not have the energy. So I sat and played some games and streamed. And whilst I did, I could forget how shit I felt. Mostly.

Sometimes there's an odd thing when I play a game. It takes my mind off all the pains and nausea. It's not bullet proof. Sometimes it's just too much and I can't play a game at all for being ill. But. Sometimes. I Can play, and it alleviates the apparent symptoms. They are still there. But I am kind of ignoring them better. When I stop. They come back in full force. Or rather. The longer I play the slowly more insistent they get, until I can't ignore them.

I don't know. Today I have gone from good to bad to not terrible. Along the way I thought I was gonna die, lost my mind.

I have no clue what I am doing. I have no clue what to do. Just sit. And let shit happen.

Overwhelming today at times, I felt so alone. So horribly alone and isolated.

Typically. I am unbothered.

Today I felt like I was entirely on my own, a million miles from anything or anyone else. And about to step through the door out of life.

I think I'm loosing my mind somewhat. In new exciting ways to what has gone before.

Perhaps it was just a blip. Perhaps just today. Perhaps I pushed too hard.

I can say this for sure though. I am a long way away from being ok.

Ho hum.

Whatcha gonna do.

Tomorrow is another day.

Oh yes. I've had a gout flare up. Left foot. Big toe. Sore. Fucky. It's gout. No doubt because of the handfuls of aspirin I have been on of late to attempt to avert the worst of the migraines. So. That's nice. The doc said in the past that it does a lot of damage internally. It's actually a big problem - she had done some recent talk about it. Eh well. Pick your suffering. Migraines, or needle blood. Good times. Go google it. Aspirin. Gout. That's one of the nasty side effects of Aspirin. https://blog.nus.edu.sg/phcdgs/2017/02/11/why-is-aspirin-not-used-in-gout/