Feb 28

 Boing, boing, boing.

Both my physical health and mental health have been pinging up and down pretty badly. At points ok. At other points very not ok. All within a 24 hour time frame.

I'm definitely losing my marbles. There are times when my thoughts just skitter out madly in a mild form of the manic spiral clusterfucks I have briefly had in the past. It's pure crazy. No sense. Frightening. Irrational. So very sad. Paranoid. All blipping around. Very hard to get across. And then I surface. And potter about. Unhappily. Fuckily. But I am not nuts.

My physical health is super not helping my mentals. Each bad blip gives me a real mental challenge to keep on top of. Most of the time it just pulls my mental state way down. I feel like I am in a near permanent state of circling the drain.

But there are some small positive signs. Feeling a tiny bit brighter in places. Doing a few things. I do need to get out and go swimming again. And I am resolved to doing some low impact exercises to strengthen my back. I think the condition of my back is pretty dire - the constant battles with ill health make me prone to being very sedentary, and I think it has had a severe knock on effect to my fitness. Not that I was ever fit. But I think it means that my fitness levels are crazily low, where I can struggle just to do a normal thing. The CFS and shit like that of course don't help. You're actively withering and resting is often all you can do. 

Like everything though, there are always consequences. Resting to get around the worst of the CFS means... shitty fitness levels.

Ho hum.

I keep thinking about my mom. There's not a week goes by where I haven't thought about her. I remember stuff about her. Things she said. Things she did. And a few questions I have for her, but she is no longer here. There is a tricky finality in knowing your questions will now never be answered.

I find it odd. That my thoughts keep returning to her. I think. Amongst other things. It's the circling the drain thing. And I know how well practiced she became at that. And she has recently gone. And it feels like. She's my closest guide to that trip. Possibly the person that understands the best where I am. But there's more to it than that. I don't know. I miss her. And as I've said before. I'm happy to say, that by and large I only remember the better things about her. And not all the difficulties. Which. I think. Is nice.

I had a bunch of minor epiphanies last night. Just a brain that wouldn't quit. The answers to the universe. Physics. To life. To humanity. Jut a building and reiteration of what I have thought about before. I let them just bleed away into the frenzied air. Ssssh. Stop thinking. No one cares. I feel like I have a fairly good handle on how everything fits together. Life. The universe. And everything wise. It doesn't make things easier. Or good. Or peaceful. But. I think I get how we all fit in. And how we come to be how we are, and do what we do. No wibbly wobbly irrational spaces. Just logic. And progression. A giant complex piece of clockwork half of which you cannot readily perceive. An illusion. Of sorts.

I am still in an isolationist mood. I am not sure it's a mood. I think it's a change in character.

I am tentatively probing the very real likelihood that sustained isolation feeds into me losing my marbles. There is some connection there. Which is not to say whether it's causation or correlation. But there is definitely a connection. The more around people I am, the less I lose my marbles. The more isolated I am, the more I lose them. But this is combined with the difficulty of me becoming tired with interacting with people. I only have so much energy to do it. You could perhaps make a study of how much energy I have for that, compared to how much I would need to maintain sanity, and the difference between the two can account for some amount of measurement of how bonkers you become in a given period.

I guess, a simple analogy would be swimming. To stay afloat, and keep breathing, you need to keep kicking those legs. But you only have so much energy before your legs get tired and your stop kicking.

How much do you need to breathe to survive ? How long can you keep your legs kicking for ? Is it sustainable ?

I'm isolationist at the moment. Aware of the potential consequences. But unwilling to change them. I have, I think, somewhat given up on people. I am still in that disappointed mood that settled on me back in November.

Went for a walk with Athena yesterday. The two old folk roaming around Mousehold Heath. Cold. But not too cold. It was nice. Her legs continue to get more shaky. She's still ok. Tomorrow we are off the vets to look at arthritis drugs. We shall see. I think however, it's more than that now. The strength has gone out of her back legs somewhat. But we shall see. She still has a zest for life. And happily trots along the trails albeit she no longer dashes anywhere. Her sprints are a thing of the long past now. And we have our moments. Most days she comes in and has a cuddle with me for a morning or afternoon. There is still something very soothing and lovely about having a large dog snuggle up to you and snooze. The reassuring warmth and weight. The occasional shifts in position. The sighs, the stretches. It is as peaceful as you can get. A deep tranquil connection.

Which is one of the reasons why they are so hard to lose.

Ah well. She's doing ok. We're doing ok. Enjoy your snuggles whilst you can.

Had another grumbly headache today. Threatened to turn into a migraine. It's been a stormy patch for the last few weeks. Which has super not helped with all the other problems, both physical and mental. Risking a gout return I ate a handful of aspirin and took a mid day nap. Which seemed to help a little. At least it didn't turn into a rager.

On a slightly brighter whim. Today I asked for an appointment about my leaky arse. So. I will start the process of sticking my head in a blender to get any sort of sensible health care out of the NHS. Hopefuly it will be as painless as possible.

I am als- whilst clearly in a bit of a more pragmatic mood - seriously thinking about asking the GPs for a referal to get a private endoscopy done. To check my stomach and the like to get a definitive answer to if there's anything in there causing me my nausea. Yes or no, the answer would be extremely useful. And I am tired of the NHS not being arsed to do it.