Mar 15

 Hello blog. Checking in.

Today is a better day than yesterday.

Yesterday was shit. After the previously shit day.

Yesterday was perhaps the CFS punishment to pushing too hard on Monday. I slumped. Hard. Sleepy. Groggy. I worked hard for six or so hours and then slumped even harder. My heart thumped, my head was dizzy, and, for the umpteenth time, I closed my eyes and thought I was going to die.

Maybe you think, it's hyperbole. Always with the death talk. It's really not. It's a headfuck. Each time the bottom looms into view, and my body is fucked beyond all measure, a heart that wont stop jumping around, struggling, and everything going out of kilter, it feels like I am one beat away from a heartattack or a head explode or something.

6.30pm yesterday, I slumped into a horrible doze. For the next 3 hours I felt my heart beating crazily, chest pains coming and going and dreamt this was it.

I recovered. 9.30pm. Something slightly more human. Human enough to potter around on a game. And then I slept again.

Today. I have been better. Worked hard. Took Athena out for a walk. So. Interesting thing.

We went on the same walk today as I did 48 hours ago - give or take a few hours. The last time I did that walk I was stumbling around, gasping, heart going crackers. Today. I walked it without a hitch. We walked further than we did 48 hours ago, and I was, apart from a few problems that crept in on the way back, mostly ok.

An enormous difference. 48 hours apart.

??

I don't know. I did chomp on some aspirin in the inbetween. Perhaps that did something. Perhaps it did nothing.

Today, as well as walking the fluffy butt and doing the dishes, I have sensibly put a solid 11 hours of work in.

I know.

So smart it's painful.

And by that I mean dumb.

Tomorrow, no doubt, I will pay the price. And be fucked up. The CFS demon will want its pound of flesh.

I don't know. I continue to struggle with getting to grips with What The Fuck Is Going On. Like a light switch. On. Off. On. Off. But never really properly on. And when it's off. All the oxygen in the room disappears and it feels like you're counting your life in seconds.

Eh well.

Jolly good. What ho.

In good news. Athena is doing good. Her condition has slowly improved as the days have gone by. And when we are out on our walks, she has something of her younger self about her. A good deal more running, if not sprinting, and a good deal less walking. She still, succumbs to a walk by the end. But. She's doing good. Which is nice. I watched her walking in the twilight this evening, six paces behind her. Trotting along in good form. And for a moment, I wondered what it would have been like if Ares had just had the same fortune. And he could have been trotting along with us. Three old timers. It is cruel that he is not here. So random. So shit. So. Unfair. But it is what it is. Life sucks. Full of loss and sorrow. And it's amazing that I got to know such a handsome doggo. I can't quite make the jump from Ares being my very special boy, and all dogs by and large being exactly the same. I know. Quietly. That it's probably true. But I can't see it. The whole of me entirely believes that Ares was the one and only Ares. Of course. He was. But. Ah. I'm sure you can see what I'm saying. We are all unique. And all replaceable. All special. And all alike. It is one of those things that I cannot properly settle. I understand it. But I absolutely do not feel it. Or believe it. As irrational as that is. And, I don't think I ever will. Here, my emotions, love, loss, et al absolutely refuse to let any kind of logic or rationality into the argument. No. Fuck you.

Then again. The universe we are in, revolves around us. A subjective experience. And to us. Everything we do has meaning to us. Even if, in the universe sense, it does not. But it can be very personal.

And so in that way. Ares was, is, forever will be, the best boy ever to me. And I will always miss him.

Man. We are such a fucked up monkey. It's not even funny.