Mar 20

 Yesterday was a little more balanced. Less bullshit going on healthwise. Which isn't a terribly high bar to get over at the moment, it was still punctuated by, dun dun darr, another migraine, and some really not cool other symptoms which I can't be arsed to get into.

Just the usual scatter shotgun of shit not right with of late a repeating theme of chest pains.

I slept. And didn't do much. And didn't feel terrible. At one point I even felt like I had a bit of energy. Then it evaporated in 30 minutes.

There's an interesting difference.

When I don't have "the lag" on me, it feels like I can go do stuff. I don't feel like I'm going to collapse or that I really super need a sit down if not a lie down. And it feels like a shadow of my former self. Kinda. Normal. Motivation still comes and goes when in that state, about normal.

Then there's the lag. It feels like you're carrying a dozen sacks of potatoes. Everything is heavy. Everything is hard. You feel tired. Your body feels exhausted. Push it and shit gets real bad. The feeling is just like that end of a super hard day where you've been working all hours with little sleep, with a high dose of physical activity. Just an ughhh. I need to stop.

Except that feeling is around a lot. It also pops up for no good reason at all. The worst days are when you get out of bed like that. It completely eliminates any motivation you might have - all your motivation pointers are towards sleep. It makes you feel ill. And pushes you to curl up.

The fun thing is that sleep often has no effect on it. Oh you want to sleep. You do sleep. You get relief from sleeping. But after sleep you feel no better. Sometimes you feel worse. Rarely you feel better. If you ignore sleep, fuck it, it's not going me any good anyway, it gets worse by adding on dizziness, nausea and steps up the intensity until you then also start to get heart palpitations and feel like you're about to pass out.

It's a twisty little torture.

It's a big part of what I'm going through.

This, I guess, is part of the CFS. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

Today I slept late. I am sleeping a lot. If I say awake for around 8 hours, the CFS really starts to kick in. I feel like I've been awake for 24 hours straight at that point. I get tired out at a much faster pace, despite not doing a lot.

Today on my plate was the hospital call. This should be a no brainer.

It's not a no brainer for me. A few shivers of anxiety. Of not wanting to do it. Of just slumping back into sleep. Oblivion. I do not want to struggle up on my feet and fight.

But I did it.

And left a message with the surgeons secretary.

I congratulated myself. Because. I was aware it wasn't that easy a task for me. As stupid as that is.

Well done Johnny. Thank you Johnny.

Giving a shit about my state. Making the effort to do something about. Pushing aside the fatigue. Is no easy set of tasks for me. I was not a dick to myself. I patted myself on the head.

One of the key things I've learned as I've gone through life, is that just about everyone I've met at some point or other cannot do a seemingly simple thing. They struggle with a phone call. Or going out. Or doing the thing. It is I have realised all of us having high points and low points. Strengths and weaknesses. It is the essence of things like social anxiety. Anxiety of any kind. It is the secret behind every rut that someone gets stuck in. Every job that someone hates.

The ultimate point is, absolutely do not judge someone else for not being able to do a seemingly simple thing. You do not know what wars they have been through, or how high that mountain seems to them. The mind is a funny thing. As liable to help you as to hurt you. Capable of literally turning molehills into mountains. And vice versa.

The second point I've learned from that is then this. Sometimes it's of great benefit to be able to help someone where they want it, at something they struggle to do. And people collectively can cover the weaknesses with strengths and make sure everyone is brought along for the ride.

There are of course a whole bunch of subtle contextual rules to be applied to it all. Not forcing your help on others. Not over enabling weakness and doing everything for someone. Not encouraging bad tendencies. But also the other way. Don't be an asshole. Help dont fucking hurt. Don't stick to some moral protestant make believe work ethic to get people going they just need to "try harder". The rule of thumb being, don't be an asshole. A little kindness goes a long way. And if you're being overkind at times, I don't think that's a problem. If it becomes a lifestyle, then yeah, something to look at. Let people rest. Let people heal. Don't apply fucked up work ethics and valuations of you're only worthwhile if you can hold down a job to a situation. Peak bullshit.

Anyway.

As the saying goes. Don't judge someone else until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Or. Really. Just don't judge at all - as Jesus said. Not judging at all is a very hard ask though, particularly when confronted with pricks like Donald Trump. How can you not judge him for being an absolute horror of a person ? But there it is - what made him like that, what shitty things has he gone through that have formed him into a narcissist, a highly toxic, stupendously damaging flawed character that only propagates his damage to everyone else. At a non judgy level, the dude needs help. Therapy. So much therapy. He needs to be isolated from others, where his insanity can't then infect others. And he needs a bit of pity, that a person could become so twisted.

A lot of effort. And energy. And caring. And a stupidly finely tuned system that could understand and take care of those kind of people.

Society is not there.

It's far easier just to burn those people down to the ground. Cheaper. Quicker. More brutal. Same purpose. And one that our own evolutionary biology tends to favour - kill the evil. Purge them from the group.

And if society is not there, cannot deal with such characters with a high order of understanding. It is more than arguable that you should then at least purge them. Old school. Leaving them alone, just propagates the insanity.

Brutal but true. Either heal it. Or cauterise it. Doing nothing will have you bleed out. The uncomfortable imperfect middle ground of our current reality.

But even so. Where humanly possible. I will strive to understand, not judge. Being human is hard. Help, don't hurt.