Mar 21

 Today I have pretty much not worked. Despite it being a work day.

Andy, perhaps wisely, perhaps busily, didn't talk to me until the very end of the day.

I figured to take the day slow. I am still in a lot of ways coming down off a high stress period with a bunch of pretty shitty migraine days rolled into one.

I was not in the mood for work. At all.

Possibly ever. Everything over the course of the last week - at least - had made me very seriously reconsider what I was doing, where I was going, and that this shit wasn't acceptable.

I don't know what a best path looks like. Part of that is because I cannot tell how long I have left. Do I cark it tomorrow. Or in a year. Or in 30 years. It isn't just some idle bullshit speculation, because at times, I feel like it's today.

How long you have left feeds directly into.

How much money do I need.

What am I capable of.

Short term or long term planning.

But I do know this.

I don't want to be spending my remaining time on this earth, long or short, stressing out, fucking around, all to make other peoples businesses run a bit smoother, or to cater to people not managing shit correctly, or missing things. I don't want the time left to me to be spent picking up the pieces for other people. I've done a lot of that. I feel like I've done my fair share of that. I'm not some entitled dick that refuses to do anything. I've done my time in the mines. I've fought the good fights. I'm getting old. My health is failing. Time to be done with that.

You cannot fight forever.

So today. Whilst at some point in theory I was going to start work. Take it slow. I never really did. And considered just not bothering at all, ever again. Fuck it.

I felt better for it. I know, without a doubt, I need time to rest, destress, take a breath. At the very very least. Insulate myself from the madness of work.

Andy popped up at the end of the day. I told him honestly I wasn't in the mood for work. Had done little. Didn't say much more than that. Asked him how he was. How his day had been. Busy. Hardware failures. Fire in the disco.

We then had a proper chat. A video chat. We talked a lot about what had been going on. And devs. And other work issues. I was not angry. Or ranty. And this is the thing. I am not playing for points here. Or grandstanding. It literally is me weighing up just walking away entirely. Doing something else. Because that's where everything urges me to be. But it's not just about changing jobs. It's about way more than that. Paradigm shifting.

Andy gets it. He knows there is no room there to dick about.

He offered his apologies a few times. Straight up. Full on. Apology. No ifs, or buts, or well this, or except that. Which so many people do. Just a straight up apology. So. That in itself is good. Compare ol Muskys apology to his employee in recent times. Mealy mouthed. Caveat. Blame someone else. Apology. A shit apology. An apology in name only. No responsibility. Dickhead.

He apologised for having let the situation get quite this bad. And he had been complacent about just throwing things at me. Well. Bang on the nail.

He said I had done a great job getting through things, getting work complete out of the door and yada. Eh. Meh. To be honest. A better person could have done better. In so much as, worked more days, put up with more shit. But. I am not that person anymore. Older. Less healthy. Shit happens. So I felt the compliment was not entirely deserved. Albeit. I guess. It depends on your point of view. From my own fucky high standards, it could be better. Failure. Is not tolerated. Perfection is not only attainable but expected. Note that I only hold those ridiculous standards for myself. Yes I am aware they are shit.

We talked a little of this and that. Problems with employees. The work. Andys weaknesses.

A good thing about my relationship with Andy is that I can tell him a straight unvarnished truth. Like. You're shit. You fucked up. And he will take it. On the chin. Which makes communication so much more straight forward and to be honest, at this point, I dont think anything else would work. Any pretence of ego salvaging or butt covering would just be the icing on the bullshit cake.

I accept that he has weaknesses in areas, and, that to be honest, probably always will have. It's just who we are as humans. Somethings we can learn and grow in. Others are harder. Way harder. And some we get stuck with. In theory everything is possible. In practice, it doesn't work like that.

So I am somewhat sanguine about the whole, You Do A Shit Job In This Area rating I give Andy. It's people. On the other hand. Those failings can lead directly into my own health, stress et al. And it's something I can't tolerate anymore. That's just how it is. The old engine, with 100,000 miles on the clock, aint as fresh and new as it was anymore.

This means, there are some realities that fall out of the wash. Which you have to adapt to. No choice. Which means you either walk away from situations where it no longer works. Or you have to adapt those situations to work better. Depending on the context, it can go either way.

As it is, I think we cleared a lot of air. Andy can do very well, when his mind is focused, on patching up relationships and giving a shit. It is, when you look at it, part of his underlying character flaw - but in this case a strength of it. The need to always placate, patch up, and appease those around him. It makes him a good, if not even great, diplomat. But crap with his own boundaries.

We have a sensible plan going forwards. Less complacency. And an increased pace of spreading skills within the ranks. Not least of which is providing the would be eager coding padawan to give him as much space to run in as he wants. Which I think he will like. And also be good for the company.

It has to be said as well that some of the issues I face personally working with Andy, and the problems we face in general as a company are because of the small size of the business. There are always unique pain points at differing business sizes, whether its the impersonal bloated slowness of the giant corp, to the, unable to ride out the pain points of a tiny outfit, there are challenges there. And one of them for us is a steady stream of dev capability. Not a trivial thing to balance where it takes a lot of time and money investment to bring an individual to a point they can be useful.

For his own good I have again reminded Andy that as a business he wants to be in a position where many of the employees can handle any given task. Not silo'd specialists able to do one thing only. He is aware. But. This is a problem that has been repeated for many years. Perhaps we will get there this time. But, churn of staff always challenges that. You bring people up to speed, only to have them move on and have to start all over again - or worse - fall into the same traps as before.

Tomorrow I will be back on the work. A little calmer, a little more placated, and the environment a little quieter.

We will see how we do.