April 14

 I have taken the foot off the gas workwise.

Which has made me feel better. But still shit. But. Also shows that work is affecting me a lot.

Work has collapsed into a bit of a nightmare. I am now faced with Doing Everything Myself because of various fuckups and I think not a little of Andy basically losing his nerve.

Which is not good for me. It's one of those tasks that never finishes. The worst kind of psychological torment - as you get to the finish line, someone pushes it further out. Andy at his worst can be terrible with that. He loves to do it. Doesn't understand the consequences of it.

Eh well. Whatever. I am attempting some heft work compartmentalising - stop thinking about it outside of work time.

Today I had a stranger stick their finger up my bum.

Which depending who you are is either a horrifying assault, or an absolute win.

Of course, seriously, it was neither for me, it was the doc, having a rummage around and in the butt hole.

The doc was good. And not just because he was sticking a finger up my butt - which I am definitely not beyond enjoying, just, not in this context. Dude had read up on my file before I entered - probably helped by the fact I was the first patient of the day. He knew the score. Said so. But asked me to explain it in my own words anyway. And was rational, listened, and we could have a conversation.

The upshot of all of that is he well believed I should be referred to the surgeon again. And that it should have happened already anyway. He didn't fully come out and say it. But the finger was wagging with the whole, should have, hasn't, that's not right.

Anywho.

Back onto the waiting list I go.

On the good side, my ass has been behaving itself of late. So. Perhaps. Maybe. Fingers crossed. It's actually healing itself. It is, apparently, possible. But not predictable. I was straight with the doc and said it had been better of late, but he said I definitely needed a referral anyway. The alternative he explained, was that we leave it, wait, and then a few weeks later you are back, and we start again. He understood the fact this thing was intermittent, ie, not a permanent open wound - it never has been. And that especially when you're only bloody seeing a doc once a fortnight, catching something in the act can be impossible.

Anywho. Good day. Good doc. Progress made. I guess perhaps though, it was just a case of the doc having come to the same conclusion as me, and therefore, I didn't need to do shit, hence, a better day.

Most of the rest of the day I have slept. So low energy. Struggling to breathe this morning. My asthma has shifted up a gear and I am getting peculiar feelings in my chest in the morning. If I roll over it feels like liquid slowly draining from one side to the other. Which is less asthma. And more like cardio issues - when your heart is weak or failing, your lungs start to fill up. But anywho. As ever. Just ignoring it. I do need to be careful maintaining my asthma meds though. It really has reached a level of not fucking around with it anymore. Back to my teenager days.

Yesterday on a crazy whim decided to go to the beach. This was. Probably. Not a great idea. Because energy levels. But. This is one of those annoying things. Where the old you thinks hey this would be nice, doesn't exactly think about current realities, and goes for it. I did hesitate about 10 minutes after thinking it. But eh.

Went to Waxham. Breathed in the sea air. Athena had a paddle. She was super tired in the evening. Almost too much for her I think. But she's still game.

There is something of a melancholy thread here. Just about 2 years to the day I went to this beach. Sat on the same rock. And looked at Poppy, Athena, Ares and Hazel, trotting up and down the sand. Whilst I sat feeling like I was dying.

Same place. But Ares is gone. Didn't know it then, but he only had a handful of months left in him. And as for me, I am far better than I was 2 years ago. But still brutally winged. Damaged. Time moves on. My illness has robbed me of a lot of experiences. It robbed me of a lot of quality time with Ares at the end.

Of course I reflected on this as I sat there. Even Hazel brought it up. Wasn't this where we came 2 years ago ? And you sat there ?

Yes.

I did not share much of the rest of my internal gloomy thoughts.

I do not enjoy the inevitability of the future and the things that will be missing there.

Yes says the positive. But think of all the things you've yet to find. All the cool new things ! ! ! Too old. Too ill. Nothing new to find. 20 years ago that would have been true. Today it is not.

The words of my mom echo. Lived too long she said. More than ready to go.

I get it. I feel like that too.

Anywho.

Was a reasonable day. I can't feel them. It feels like eating cardboard. But in theory. It was a reasonable day.

Athena was happy. That's all that matters. And she made me smile.