April 24

 I am no fun to be around. Or read. The colour of my mental landscape has infected me down to the bone, and I don't have the will to fight it anymore.

There is always, for me, when observing others, a tipping point you can see. When their particular quirk, dysfunction, corner they have painted themselves into becomes more than just a feature and becomes a core part of who they are. They get warped into the shape of their demon(s). And they get stuck. I've noted it's also correlated with age. The older people get, the more they get stuck. Slowly sinking into the mire. But there is no one measure to rule them all. It's different for different people. And depends how many monkeys are on their backs.

I fear that has now started happening to me. I can't escape the gravity of it, and the memories of when things used to be different become more and more distant, and ever more theoretical. Shifting into a background of imagined things instead of the reality they once were.

I have been so long in the dark, that I have forgotten what the light looks like.

Work tomorrow. I am motivated to get shit done, finished, out the door, then run in the opposite direction as quickly as possible. After an inner debate about whether to bother to educated Andy on how to do better and the consequences of his actions, I have decided to do nothing. It's pointless. Lip service. And worst case it's him just manipulating me. Best case he is incapable of applying what I tell him. Either way. It's pointless. And I am heavily leaning at this point on just letting him commit his own mistakes without me pointing them out. No safety net. Go forth, and fall into holes. And I will make sure I am very far away so that you cannot beg me to pull you out of them. 

So that's where I am with work. Sick of it.

As for life. Eh. Not sick of it. But done with it. So very done.

Hum ho.

I briefly reflected this evening, that 20 months ago I lost my best friend. Ares. And despite me trying, and in all the years during and since, I have not found anything that comes close to the bond I had with him. People are fucky. They lie. They get disinterested. They are selfish. Depending on the person, to a lesser or greater extent. It sounds stupid. Simple. But. There's an irrefutable fact there.

For better than a decade Ares stuck with me, through thick and thin. Anything I did he wanted to be part of. Anywhere I went, he wanted to come with me. Every night he would curl up and lie along on my back. His warmth and steady breathing a rock beside me. He cared for me. I cared for him. We would do our own things at times. But ultimately. Ares was my shadow. And he trusted me utterly.

I have never, ever, experienced that level of simplicity, loyalty, love in anything or anyone else.

And I cannot find it again, despite looking.

I figured, that in a person. Perhaps I was just missing the Right Person. Perhaps because of the people I tend to gravitate around I would never find someone like that. But. It's not that. What I am looking for, doesn't exist. People are not built that way.

I have tried. I have even tried when it was clear it wasn't great. And it ends the same. I find people, at that deepest level, to just be at peace with, to be a busted flush. 

I have yet to find someone who could honestly just stand up, and selflessly love someone else. Or be honest. And I am not talking just with me. Every single relationship I have ever seen is rife with cracks and bullshit and yuck. It just doesn't work. Despite appearances. Look closely. Always bullshit.

No doubt, I could bond with more dogs. It would seem I am wired to connect with dogs better than people. Dogs embody much of what I find to be Good. People do not.

But I am too ill and inconsistent to do that anymore. To care for a dog that would rely on me. I probably could do it. But my conscience wont allow me to do it without the knowledge that I could do it 100%. I cannot abide letting someone, or something, down.

And people are not the answer. In theory, they could be. The lies that people tell themselves is that people can be that. Your bestie. Your loved one. In my experience. It doesn't work like that. At the very least, people change, move on, get bored. I think in many ways, I am a lot slower paced and a lot less fickle than most people. Whatever it is. I don't fit with people. Or the lives they lead. The things they hold important. 

Perhaps. A strong perhaps. It is the trappings of modernity I am so out of tune with. The primitive, simpler dog is my kind of pace. My kind of vibe. I have no interest in careers or property or material wealth or anything that makes the modern world go round. I don't care. At best I like tools. Give me something that I can use. To do things with. Or make things with. Or a thing to tell me stories. But even these things. Push comes to shove. Are nothing.

Ironically. Underneath the misery and everything. There is I think a very zen me. I am zen. And quiet. And calm. Super. Calm. And that's some of the problem. The modern world is none of that. It's an irritation to some aspects of my core self. That inner quiet peace in tune with a primitive world of trees and clouds and shifting seasons. The shuffling caveman. I think that's why I can bond with dogs. Of course dogs are the quintessential emotional adaptors. They have been genetically engineered like no other animal to be so. So duh. It's going to make bonding with them a lot easier. But also. In many ways they still live 10,000 years in the past. They have no trappings of modernity. No loans. No washing machines. No careers. No capitalism. No fucking politics. Just the simple things. Companionship. Love. Running through the grass. Jumping in the river. Hunting for dinner. Bristling at the threat.

I think that's it. There is no artifice to them. And the modern world is so full of artifice. People are so full of artifice. Everything is couched. Or a half lie. Or an evasion. Or a covered negative trait. Selfish. Mean. Greedy. Say one thing, think another. And I hate it. I think that's why I like - or perhaps used to like - getting to truly know people. Digging beneath the layers of bullshit. The masks. So I could actually see the truth of it. Unvarnished. No artifice. That's what it's about. Just. Be honest.

But. There's also an unfair catch 22 in there. Because. In the process of being honest, any flaws or selfishness et al then becomes even more apparent. And whislt I accept that in people. Each one I find just serves to make me feel lonelier.

Where is the pure of heart person.

There aren't any.

As stupid and unfair as it is. This makes me horribly sad. At a very quiet, deep, non verbal level. Ever more disappointed.

Eh meh.

It's probably just being miserable. And lacking in love.

Take those away and I would no doubt have a cheerier outlook. But. Also. I don't think that's right. The original deep problem of, where are the true of heart, would still be there. I would just.. tolerate the disappointing answer better.

I wonder if the dark times we find ourselves in are also to blame. Making everyone that much more fucky. And dysfunctional. More negative. Less trusting.

I can see that.

Doesn't help. But. I could see it's an exacerbating factor.

Anywho.

I find myself pulled more and more heavily into memories. I can feel a proper pull of just reliving experiences, dropping out of reality and living in a dream instead. Trying to get those wisps of what that felt like. When was I last happy. When, more importantly, did I still dream of the future and things to do.

It's just another manifestation of me not enjoying myself.

Ah well.

Misery, misery. I am better off in my own company. Keeping my dark cloud to myself.

I am no fun.