April 25

 Busy stressy day today.

I had to calm myself down a few times because of crazy levels of rising stress, and flickers of panic. Big fucking yikes.

Take a breath. Calm. One thing at a time.

Andy popped his head up at day end. I half ripped his head off. He poked a bit more, I ripped the rest of his head off.

He protested his innocence in some things. His fuck ups in others.

Meh.

It did clear the air a bit. I blew off steam.

I have not had any time other than that to do much of anything else. Just focused on work. And an intense burny hot house level of productivity and stress. Been there. Done that. I'm too old for this shit.

Pflah.

My brother has had another run in with covid. This time he thought he was a goner. He even stuck his password as a post it note on his computer in case he didn't make it.

No doubt the covid was a knock. But. It also seems to continue on a trend of struggling and a subtle downward trek he's been on since our mom died. He has, by and large, retreated. I only knew of his struggles because I asked him. He hadn't offered anything up.

I can see the stresses on his life, but there's ass all I can do about it. Having to deal with the old man is a strain. Having to look after his ailing wife is another strain. And then there is the subtle freewheeling of having now been retired for a year or more, and the change in goals, or rather not really having one, is subtly taking its toll. All in all. Quite a headwind.

He's going to take up bee keeping. Which will be a new focus. He always does this. Gets a New Thing. Maybe once a decade. And then does that for the decade. Once upon a long ago it was pigeon racing of all things. Seems like a different life.

As for the old man. The strain of loneliness is biting his ass hard. He can't stand to stay indoors for too long, before he has to go out. To "stop the walls from closing in on him". Invariably he winds up at my brothers. Which then just stresses my brother out.

Different people, different setup, none of this would be a problem. But it isn't that way. So it is.

Despite my old man being an utter ass, I would be ok with him just propping himself in the corner at my place every day. I would, for the most part, ignore him. I don't think he needs being waited on. He just needs... a house that isn't empty I think. A cup of tea here. A biscuit there.

I said to my brother that in a different world, the old man would do well as the grandpa in the corner chair in a young household full of kids and activity.

But that isn't how our family is wired at all.

Uh huh.

Hopefully the warmer weather will cheer my brother up. In the meantime I sent him a book on beekeeping. I dunno. Hopefully that will also cheer him up a bit.

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