April 27

 Ended up kind of missing out a day of work.

Got a call from my vet friend about a dog they just had signed over to them. Another case of an uncaring owner that didn't want to pay vet fees and instead just wanted the dog put down.

The vets balked. Ended up owning the dog.

The owner for his part laughed about it. And walked away.

A farmer this time.

People being assholes aside, I went to go meet the dog, in case I wanted to pick up a bit of a rescue.

Eva, 7 year old labrador, only ever kept in a kennel, never taken for a walk. Creaky. A bit overweight. Labs turn to fat really super easy. Old labs turn into blocks of cheese. And their joints blow out. All sorts of issues with her. But chilled. Fine with other dogs. Just. A bit switched off. Never got to be a dog.

Of late, I've been trying to let the universe tell me things. Give it a way to talk to me without outright sending me letters. Because. The universe, if it can talk to you, can't send you emails. So how would a universe communicate with you ? Something to think about.

On the one hand this is high level irrational nonsense. Deep into the field of religious deluded types, spooky boys and charlatans.

That being said. Keeping an open mind is part of being very rational. And over the last few years for me personally there have been an awful lot of things that defy such odds as to be ridiculous. This however, is also the nature of chaos. Those one in a billion shots, do, sometimes, kick in. That's how it works. And when you witness them, it feels like the touch of a mindful entity. How could it not ? But it's not. Just math.

Which is cool.

Except when they keep happening. And the odds start spiralling up into stupid stupid territory. Longer than the lifespan of the universe territory. Winning the lottery is a mind boggling beating of the odds. Winning it multiple times when you need it, is... so coincedental as to strain any kind of rational credulity.

Again. Probably just math. And the overreaching nature of the human brain to always see a pattern even where one doesn't exist.

Still.

Like SETI keeping an ear out for an Alien message floating on the ether. It pays to keep your ears open.

There is also a highly rational model for this. About higher dimensions. Where gravity comes from - a higher dimension, and Plato's cave. All of our physics and science knowledge, apart from quantum physics, is the shadows on the wall of Plato's cave. This isn't a spurious statement. This is fact. The actual nature of the universe lies within quantum physics. A place we barely understand, cannot directly see, but nevertheless underpins everything. It has all the hallmarks of, and indeed some theories expound, that it is higher dimension shenanigans. String theory, amongst others. Things going on in a place we can't get to or see.

The upshot is. The fundamental rules of the universe are unknown to us at a quantum level. What lies there is unknown to us. But all the rules we've so far come up with, are not it. They are the shadows.

It is very much therefore not beyond the bounds of imagination that Other Stuff lurks in those spaces. Intelligences. Or just. Math. Hideously complicated math. That is interconnected in ways we cannot see. Quantum entanglement. Twiddle this here. And over there. No apparent connection. It mimics what you just did. As Einstein called it - "spooky interaction at a distance". He didn't like it. Because he couldn't explain it. It didn't fit with the rules for the shadows. Quantum physics, by and large, is a post Einstein field.

So.

I've been sometimes trying to listen to the universe. To see if it talks back. It's not going to be in the form of a post it note. Or a handy email. It's going to be weird. Assuming it's operating in a higher dimension.

All of that shit being said.

I pulled a single Tarot card before I went to meet the dog.

If the universe has something to say to me. Then you can manipulate the odds of a deck of Tarot cards. Maybe. Probably not. But maybe.

There are 100 cards in a Tarot deck. I pulled one at random from somewhere in the middle of the deck.

Flipped it.

The Fool, reversed.

If you wanted an absolute on the nose screamingly loud message from the universe, then that was it.

You might as well send an email at that point.

On the other hand, it's just math. A literal one in a hundred chance of pulling that card. Albeit. In that situation. At that time. The absolute perfect description.

If you don't know or haven't looked up the fool, I'll tell you.

"The Fool Reversed suggests that you have conceived of a new project but aren’t ready to ‘birth’ it into the world just yet. You may worry that you are not fit or that you don’t have all the tools, skills and resources you need to make this project a success. Or perhaps you have a sense that the timing isn’t right. Something is holding you back, and you are preventing yourself from moving forward."

This is the concise summary of me and new dogs. It also happens to be the concise summary of the Fool reversed.

I don't think I can get a new dog, because, I am not well enough to do it. I can keep up with Athena. But that's about it. And somedays I can't keep up with her, but that's ok, she's old, retired, and enjoys snooze days. But mostly, I can keep up with her. And all is well. Well. Good enough. Well. Comfortable enough.

It's a serious concern I have about looking after the welfare of another soul that is my responsibility and one big enough that it has basically made me come to the conclusion I can have no more dogs. Or perhaps no more boxers. Or both. I am aware this is also a really really bad thing for me. And. Has a decent chance of being my end. Because of all the things I've talked about before. But I am also. Kind of. Ok with that. Things have a beginning, a middle and an end. Always an end. Ends are inevitable. Not if, but when.

Anyway. Needless to say, a few people that either explicitly know I am like that - you can count those people on less than one hand - and a few people that perhaps figure out implicitly that I maybe like that, don't really agree with the nihilism. Of course not. And neither would I. It hits different when it's you however. And it's in human nature to rail against the dying of the light - particularly in others. Even when it's not rational. We like to put life up on a pedestal for ourselves. But we're a whole lot more pragmatic for other life forms. Horses break a leg, we shoot them in the head. You'll never see a human shot in the head by a health practitioner. No matter how bad the "leg break" is. Double - irrational - standards. 

Part of this manifests in my vet friend. Who is always, on the quiet, trying to hook me up with dogs she gets. And this time. It was a sleepy, quiet, lovely labrador.

So I went to meet her. I took Hazel along. Because. I thought it would be better to have someone to talk to. And I knew she'd get a kick out of it. In hindsight, probably too much of a kick but eh, I should have seen that coming.

I went out that with a sense of foreboding. This. Isn't. The. Right. Call.

Eva was nice. Way older than her 7 years, not excercised, mild neglected. No love. Switched off. She super creaked around. Worse movement than Athena at her worst.

I thought about it. Said it was a probable yes. But let me think about it.

And it turned into a probable no.

I don't want to compromise Athena's wellbeing for any reason. And in her current state, Eva would not be able to fit into our excercise regime. This was for a time also a problem when Ares declined. We would have a slow shorter walk about. And Athena would dance off. It's difficult to fit two different dog needs into one excercise regime. The obvious step is to have two regimes. But then. They have to spend time on their own. Which I don't like. It also doubles your commitment to walking. Both in time and physically. And yada.

And for me. Barely keeping up with Athena. Additional stuff. And having to keep one dog or the other at home whilst the other goes out is a complete non starter for me. It's one thing to arrive there after a decade of life with Ares. It's another thing to take it on as a new burden from the get go, and into a situation where I have CFS.

So.

No.

Hazel really wanted me to get Eva. Really. Really. She would help. She would stay for a while helping. She would take the dog. It wasn't that big of a deal, the additional excercising.

And my friend really wants me to take the dog. Because she worries I will disappear if I don't have a dog.

Despite all the pressure on me to take Eva on. And she's lovely. And deserves a home where she's actually loved for once.

I am still no.

A small victory for me in some ways. I stood my ground. And maintained my boundaries. No. Not the perpetual Yes I always typically say. Not the usual Yes no matter the cost to me just to make someone else happy.

On the other hand. It's also super nihilistic. A victory for the cold clammy hand of the abyss.

Eh. Thems the breaks.

I addressed my concerns to my vet friend later. Eva needs to be able to improve movement wise, otherwise, it's a no go. And I do not want to be in a position where it's a trial then have to rehome her. Whilst I understand rehoming is a thing, and a necessary thing, to me, personally, I don't like it. A responsibility is a responsibility. You don't take those things lightly. And if you do a thing, then you do a thing. Fucking around a dog, or anything like that, is, to me, kind of shitty. To put it mildly. Easy test. Put yourself in that situation. Would you like getting passed around ? No. There's your answer. I am aware this is a high self standard. I am aware this is a hard path. Hello. Have you met me ?

I am still, ostensibly, thinking it over. My vet friend showed me a video of Eva walking better yesterday. Improvement. But. I think my answer is still no. It has crystallised a few things in my head. Eva needs someone better than me to look after her. She deserves that. I am not willing to do anything to fuck with Athenas current balance. And. I am still. Kind of. Probably. More than ok with it being a wind down to the end for me. I am really very not sure that I want things to go on. That. Is ok. It feels quiet. It feels peaceful. Just. Go with the flow of the universe. Be at peace. Let the path go where it goes. A beginning. A middle. An end.

So I think. Even if Eva perks up with better movement. The answer is going to be no. She needs a better person to look after her than me. Which will disappoint everyone around me. I will be a disappointment. And ironically. The thing offered in hope, will turn out to be a detriment to me and those around me involved. Funny how that works.

So that's that. It has rippled across my mental landscape. And not done good things there. Some turmoil. Some soul searching. It has made the waters more choppy. And also an awareness. I don't want to be doing this. This is not what I need. And another awareness. I am slowly, calmly, digging my own grave.

In other news. Two things from the NHS. Both. Typical.

The first.

The hospital has got my referral. Sorry. No appointments they say. None. Nada. Zip. But thanks for your interest. We'll keep you posted. By the way. You are guaranteed a service where you are seen in 18 weeks they say. They said that the last time. It ended up being 104 weeks. NHS promises are worthless.

So. As expected. Back into the pit of bullshit we go. An endless wait. I am going to take a guess that this single problem, a fairly easy, routine, but nevertheless serious problem, will end up taking more than 5 years to put right. 10/10. Excellent.

The second.

Repeat prescriptions maintained by your pharmacist are being cancelled. The docs don't want an intermediary organising it for you. They want you. To manually, come in, do the dance, ask for it, get it signed, take it away. Adding a heap of inconvenience and time spent to the process. Because of course. This is the NHS way. Make everything harder, more inconvenient, like trying to get an appointment. Make it hard. Because a lot of people will lose hope. Not bother. Forget. And it will make the NHS lifes easier. Because less people. The more hurdles you put in peoples way to access healthcare, guess what, the less people you end up seeing. Easier life. Easier job. A great win from the NHS perspective. From the patients perspective. Shit. More of the same shit in fact. A slow pushing away and erosion of your healthcare.

Again. This is no big surprise. It's unwelcome. It means I go back to the state of sometimes forgetting my meds. Or being uncaring about my meds. Because life. Because mental health. There's the irony. The more fucky your mental health, and the more fucky you are at maintaining a schedule, the harder it gets to obtain the meds you need.... not to be like that. Ho ho. It's another step back from modernity into 1950's manual NHS. The NHS does not like operating in a modern world. It wants to slow everything down. Put many hurdles in your way. So that it can cope. It copes. By basically being allowed to not treat you.

Excellent.

My absolute contempt for the NHS as a whole, cannot get lower. Whatever the worst way of doing things is, guaranteed, eventually, the NHS will find it. And occupy it. And then demand praise. And a pay rise.

As for work. Stressy. Busy. This time. The actual technologies we are using are evolving too fast. Our ROI on tech that evolves too fast is abysmal. It's a problem. And one of our newer core techs is showing signs that its ROI is coming down fast. If it continues. It will have to be ditched. The state of modern IT today is shaky. Not good.

Eh. Heheh. The whole fucking world is in a state of decay. I swear.

Ho well. Onwards and upwards. What ho.

In slightly good news. Athena's decline at the end of this month has been less severe so far than her decline last month. So the upped dose has helped. But we shall see. Half a week to go until her next shot. She was in good form on Wednesday. Having a run around. But then she struggled up the stairs yesterday. Still. Better than she was. The meds are good. And we are on the dregs of our last few days before another shot and another Vet update. Thank fuck the Vet is a good experience. Not everything is a shitshow.