April 6

 Andy was in his common anxiety state again today.

Really, super, proper anxious about having fobbed off a client for so long with delays.

Which is par for the course.

The pattern is this.

Client phones.

Andy panics. Even though it's often not a thing to panic about. But clients, of course, always want service. Don't we all. However. Andy is a pathological people pleaser and cannot set boundaries. So. Immediately anxieties up. Yes We Will Do Everything By Yesterday No Matter The Task !

He passes the anxiety on. Must do this. Just do this now. Can we just look at this.

So we do that, and push whatever we were working on back.

Rinse and repeat. Until.

Original pushed back work is now chief anxiety. We Must Do It. Very Quick. We Are A Failure To Our Ancestors. Have you done it yet ? Have you done it yet ? Are we there yet ? You should do that very soon.

Optional extra -

Something else comes up and becomes the Chief Anxiety. Neatly overruling the previous Must Do Anxiety and pushing it to be entirely ignored. Until the Chief Anxiety is finished and the Must Do Anxiety can resume. At this stage we have a wheel of anxieties, each one in turn replacing the next.

This is to an incredibly predictable tee is Andys process. Everything is in a constant state of anxiety and hurry. Because there has been no boundary setting. Everyone in the chain then - if they are not incredibly vigilant is infected by this blow out anxiety oh my god, everything is on fire, and becomes stressed.

Add in a bunch of other super dubious process failures and you see why we burn through people.

Today I sat back and listened to the subtle but increasing anxiety. And chose to ignore it.

Oh. This is late you say ? Yes. Yes it is. I Wonder why that can be. Do we remember last weeks pause for breath where I outlined a teachable moment in things getting pushed back needlessly ? No ? Excellent.

I've realised I absorb a lot of his anxiety. I have to stop that. And let him just flail on his own.

Is it done yet ?

No.

I'll tell you when it is.

Not that that stops the questions.

Ho hum.

This is why I need to cut my hours back. Because this is the simplest way to force the issue that he needs to learn to master that anxiety, correct his processes, get better at boundaries OR, he can go place that anxiety and shitshow on someone else. Either way. If I am out of the office for most of the time. It's not my problem. Another way to look at it. Remove the training wheels and you have no choice but to learn how to ride that bicycle. As we can see in the past, the wheels are removed, he then spent the better part of six months cajoling me to put them back on again. Which I did. Stupid me.

I don't say any of that with any heat per se. I am not angry about the situation. I am not angry with him either. It's fine. He is doing his best. I am just not jumping onto the burning bus with him. Not today anyway. Or tomorrow. Or the day after.

It's very much a You Problem, and not a Me Problem. And that's not me being shitty and not offering to help. I have helped until I have been bled dry. I have solved issues. Taught. Taken time to clearly record and demonstrate problems so that he can learn. Aided him when his hair is on fire, despite him being at fault.

I've done the thing. All the things. At some point. You have to sit back and consider that, well, after all that, this is still a You Problem. And I can't actually fix You fundamentally, it's something that You need to work on. And in the meantime, I won't be joining in with your dysfunctional point of view or anxiety contagion.

Today I slumped hard. Mostly a mood issue again. This week the mentals have surpassed the physicals. Choose which way you suffer. Debilitating health condition. Or debilitating mental health condition. Fun. Of course I have both. What I mean is. Choose which one is currently Winning the Suffering Olympics. And this week it's the mentals. Which. In a twisted form of humour is a bit of a nice change of pace from it usually being physicals. Ho ho.

Fuck my life.

It started on Monday. I woke up. Tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of being ill. Tired of being alone. Tired of looking backwards. Tired of having no hope.

Yikes. Ok. Kinda wandering around the bottom again. Not hopeless. Not suicidal. But eh. Yeah. We're in the bar next door. Just one stumble away. I mean, at this point, I have a parking spot with my name on it, my mug hangs behind the bar, and a chair to sit in. I am A Regular. And the bottom of the abyss is my neighbourhood. But eh.

Something of that general downer has persisted all week. Combined with a lot of feelings of loss. Again. Again again. All the things I have lost. Can't help it. All I can frame life in, seems to be of loss and pain. There are no Super Good Cool And Enjoyable Things in my life. Or coming. And I've gone numb. I can't.. really... remember what that feels like either. Intellectually I know they were possibly once there. 

I am self aware at this point that I am somewhat broken. Not as in only half broken. I'm very broken. I am just not 100% sure it's permanently this broken. Yet. But in anycase, I am no fun to be around. And I just need to keep my horror to my self. Like a leper. Or a troll. Or a troll with leprosy.

I had a dream at some point in the week. All sorts of nonsense. Walking around big empty houses. At the end. I realised I had lost Ares. He had gone. Not just.. missing. But gone. Gone. But. I also knew I could get him back. I had his lead. I concentrated hard. And back he came. Right at my feet. I nearly tripped over him. I gave him a scritch and a hug. I knew not to question it. Not to ask how that was possible that he was back from being Gone ( I avoided the thought of.. dead.. ). Because it was magic. Just. Don't ask. And be happy he was there. I had, through force of will, conjured him back to my side, if only for a visiting while.

And then I woke up.

I don't know. I don't know what any of life means. I know I am happier ( read, less pained ) these days in far off places. Not reality. Just drifting through the clouds. Walking with Ares. I am uninterested in the secrets of reality. I've found out a lot. And found it horribly wanting. And full of pain. And I am seemingly beginning to make an unconcious decision just to drift away into dream.Which also isn't a great place. But it's better than reality.

I think in many different ways, in various poetic and shapeshifty forms, I am wishing for oblivion. Death. Basically. I dive into sleep to make me drop out of the world. I am slowly shifting to living in make believe rather than being present. I don't want to engage. I don't want to bother. I just want to sleep. And let it all blur away. I think every fibre of me is voting out. In all the ways it can. But of course, I'm not going to do that. Well. Not today. I can't offer any guarantees for tomorrow. I know first hand how bad that shit gets.

Cheery.

I have reflected today how peoples characters change. And. When I say people. I mean more women than men. Perhaps that's just a biased thing for me to say. Misogynistic ! Except. I honestly have no axe to grind against anyone. Female. Male. Something in between. Or changing. I mostly care about what you have to say. Or more aptly. Where your mind wanders. But anyway.

Of late. I've noted a dramatic shift in personality of someone I know. From warm. And outgoing. And chilled. To someone cold. And angry. And passive aggressive. And bitter. There is. A really really good real world catalyst for this. Nothing to do with me. But it seems to have warped them. Despite them wishing the opposite were true. It seems their inner self is very... disturbed. And their character has shifted dramatically.

I've seen this a lot with women. And more rarely with men. Perhaps that's just my own shitty small sample. But people can shift dramatically in mood and character. From enticing to bitter. It's peculiar to me. I do understand, but at the same time, I find it hard to relate back to a common conception of being just being One Thing. Consistent. People are so not that. Time and again of late I come back to the many inner personality thing. Not just one person. But many. And who you see on the outside depends on who is currently holding sway inside. I am beginning to feel that everyone is absolutely nuts. But. That society by and large hasn't realised it, or rationalised it in a hundred different ways. On reflection I don't think we are very sane monkeys objectively speaking. But as the saying goes, only the majority get to decide what's sane. So if everyone is insane. Guess what. That's sane. Normal. As stated by a horribly subjective judge. Objectively. I think everyone is a loose cannon.

Well. All very nice. Waffly. What does it mean.

There is a real upshot to this. And it's this.

For me. I have no clue who, or even if, I can actually truly rely on anyone. Everyone is a fruitcake. There are of course, fruitcakes, and fruitcakes. And someone knowing they are a fruitcake is ironically - or really maybe not - the better kind of person you can actually rely on. Not because they are inherently more reliable. But because they are more honest about where they are. There's the thing I think. The journey of self discovery and trying to mitigate, heal and or understand your own damage, makes you so much more educated, clear eyed, realistic about who you are and what you can do, than someone who lives with their head in the sand permanently saying, I'm alright, whilst going off on a bender if something is said to them.

In other words. If everyone is ill. And kinda flaky. The people that know that are more reliable than the people who refuse to accept that.

At least. So far. That kinda. Sorta. Seems to be the case.

But bottom line.

I am a bit lost about who I can trust. Or rely on. I don't think anyone counts. This is an extension on my previous suspicion then pretty much confirmed, that everyone is crazy. IF then everyone is crazy. Who on earth can drive the bus ?

No one.

Which I'm grappling with.

There Are No Adults In The Room. None. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch.

Oh.

Perhaps. I think weakly. I just haven't found them yet.

Which brings me back to my point from earlier posts. About being alone.

And. In a horrifying circle. It's all starting to smell like, I Have To Be The Adult In The Room.

No. Been there. Done that. Exhausted.

Eh well.

Kick back. Let it all drift away. Try to enjoy the clouds. And the sunshine. Fist bump those who know they are damaged. Try not to get tangled in everyone else who runs around clueless.

And watch time pass by.