May 17

Another dive into the abyss. My mood and my wellbeing are at a horrible low point again today.

Right or wrong, I think I've figured something out after all.

The weird things I get when I lie down, the struggle to catch air, the feeling of liquid shifting. These are all apparently classic signs of heart failure. Some people living with a bad heart have to sleep propped up because on lying flat they struggle. Liquid also accumulates in the lungs. On getting up the liquid sinks.

The days I struggle on a walk have all recently been on warmer days. Warmer days are dangerous for those with heart problems. The body has to work harder to keep your core temperature lower. Your heart suffers. You feel like shit.

The swimming made me feel better because it pumped up my cardio, forced oxygen around my otherwise limited system. But wasn't strenous enough to make me feel shit. And the opposite of a hot day. 

The pains. The tingles. The breathelessness. The always tired. Exhausted after exertion. The brain fog after sleeping. All this fits in with cardio issues.

Sure. CFS and the mysteries of virals are probably doing a number. But. I think. Also, cardio is in there. Or even primarily cardio is in there. Heart failure. As I like to say. My cardio is shot. More unusually, viral problems can damage the heart and lead to heart failure problems.

Lying down for a sleep is now pretty much the same. Weird fluttery chest. Difficulty breathing. Tingles. Pains on the left hand side of my chest.

Not a good sign.

Perhaps it's a thing that will come and go.

Perhaps not. Perhaps it's just a sign of how far down the spiral I am.

I could go back to the docs. Explain what's going on. Get my heart checked out again but this time focusing on something specific. But I doubt they would listen anyway. And. I don't have the energy to go through it all either. The brutal fact is I don't have anything to live for. I am tired.

The likelihood is living on my own, I could have an event, no one is there, and that will be me done. No rescue. No revive. In theory. I could probably live with this for many years given proper treatment. As it stands, I probably wont.

That's my theory anyway.

I can't tell how fast it will progress if that's true. I'm assuming I will make it at least until Athena pops her clogs.

Of course. It could all just be coincidental. Looking a huge lot like a cardio issue. But not be. Or just a shitty cardio.

Time will tell. But for the moment. It sits on me. Like a final ruling. The solution that stitches so many of the symptoms together and why.

How did I get here ? Poor diet. Lack of hard cardio excercise. And also. Crucially. A lot of stress and emotional pain that I can't even remember the number of times my heart has tweaked and ached and I have felt like I have been punched in the stomach. Dying from heartbreak is an actual thing. And. I've always known the amount of emotional turmoil I go through always meant my clock was on a fast tick. You can't have that amount of stress and misery and it not fuck you up. 

There are I think worse ways to go. I still have my marbles, by and large. I can still, when I want to, get up and do something. I will have been spared some prolonged end in a bed unable to move. 

Ho hum.

In other ironic news, my next hospital appointment for my ass has come through extremely quickly. Tomorrow. For a camera up the ass. I am so very torn about it. It feels like a waste of time at this point. Like fixing the paint of a house due for demolition. The wrong problem. Ah well. Such is the stupidity of life and bureaucracy. So I will do my best to be ready for tomorrow. And do the thing. And see where it goes.