May 7

 The days blur.

I could go into the shadow places I am living in and relate some of the things I see and experience there. I am not sure what the point is. Just let them dissipate. An ongoing winding path of suffering and mental torture bereft of hope. At times my rational clockwork brain dictates calm upon the stormy seas and I become for a while, functional. Capable of faking it even. I can morph into different characters. Smile. Laugh. It's not even a fake per se. Just. A different me. A clowns makeup. A mask.

But underneath it is the same.

Dizzy these last few days. The persistent always there dizzy. Some strange grumbly headaches that shift around the front of my head. And the palpitations and malarkey going on come and go, coming on stronger when I do something, or lie down and sleep. The brain fog is not far behind. The sunken eyes not far behind that.

Same melody. Different notes at times. But same melody.

My mood has shifted into just accepting it. And being. Grateful ? Just. Being ok with the fact that I am still here experiencing stuff. And that in a way. It's just a fascinating descent with weird experiences along the way. Something way off the norm. And that, that in itself. Is kinda cool.

No doubt in a few days I will go back to not accepting it. And flipping between not bothered about it all, and being seriously worried by it all.

My dreams are all sad. Infected with anxieties and loss. Of broken relationships. Moving home. Not having a home. Of saying goodbye. My subconscious is it seems utterly soaked in the negative.

I was accused of being eloquent again this week. It was a brief statement I made anonymously online. Someone noted how much better the world would be if we stopped listening to religion and racism and facism and all the bad stuff, and just followed science and facts. I understood the sentiment. Even. Kind of agree. But. To me. This is naive thinking. Low wisdom. My reply what that the problem was not with religion, or racism or fascism or all of the bad stuff. It was us. Wherever we go, there we are. There are no monsters lurking in the dark, only us, that can behave like monsters. And until we learned to do better, and better mitigate the failings that will always be part of us, it wouldn't matter what ideologies or theologies you included or banned. Science as your new God would be no more benign than what had gone before.

A few people didn't get it. Science would be Great. No. Science has nothing to say about compassion. Or ethics. Just logic. And rationality. And efficiency. And math. Science is a good way to figure things out. But you would have to be incredibly naive or inexperienced to think that Science alone would be a flawless benevolent hand. Animal testing, euthanasia of the unproductive, slavery, genetic alterations, two tier societies based on your genetics, and all manner of cruelties could be inflicted and yet still be true to Science. Science, just like anything else, can be used for good and bad. It's not the ideology or the thing. It is us. Always there. And always capable of behaving like monsters. The Nazis were quite big on science. And many atrocities were committed in the name of it. Experimentation on prisoners. Science alone has nothing to say about the moral right or wrong of that. It advances knowledge. It is efficient. It conforms to the scientific method. Some people suffer and die ? So what.

People are foolish. They cannot see beyond their own arm. They jump from one God to another. In the misguided belief that this time, this time, it will be alright. It was just all the stuff before that was shit. It's not the stuff my dudes. It's us. Doesn't matter what clothes you wear. What fresh new outfit you put on. If you still haven't learned not to behave like a cruel 8 year old having a tantrum, the pattern will still play out.

Worse still, some people didn't even understand the phrase Science as your new God. It wouldn't be a God they said. It was science. Sigh. It is a turn of phrase meaning, it would become your dogmatic go to. The thing that set all the priorities. The first and the last, the be all and end all, and things done In Its Name would be Good. They didn't get it. As shitty as it sounds - Americans. The standard of education is shit. Tarring them all with the same brush, some are bright as pins. So many of them are dumb as bricks. Their education system fails them. Their narrow minded thinking, not seeing past the end of their own state, blinds them to the greater learning in the world.

I dunno. On average. Humanity doesn't seem very smart to me. Pretty dumb. But all of them are capable of being monsters. Doesn't bode well. Hasn't done well so far.

Who knows.