May 8

Don't read this. It's miserable. It is where I am. Leave it. Go read something happy instead.

This is just for me. Getting the insides of my head to the outside.

Today I felt terrible. 30% not feeling too well. 70% feeling utterly utterly hopeless.

I rolled over in bed in the morning and slept instead of getting up. I don't want reality. I want oblivion.

Eventually I got up. Read a bit of internet. Had a little breakfast.

And then went back to sleep.

Rejecting reality.

I have. I think. Figured out a way to just end it all. I figured it out sometime ago. But I haven't uttered it out loud. It's easy. A no brainer. And requires me to do nothing.

I have realised that if I spend an extended amount of time asleep. My symptoms get worse. If I do it for a few days, and in particular, don't go out. It gets worse again. I think. If I just slump into never moving. Hydrating now and then. Not eating. But slip away into sleep. In fairly short order. It will do me in. The proof will be in the pudding. But I am pretty sure it's right. Even a few days like that, and I struggle. Heart palpitations when you do move. Weird chest pains. All sorts. Blah. I think my health et al is at a point that it struggles if I am inactive. Terminally out of shape. Weirdly. Or perhaps not. This is also similar to the account of the girl I read that eventually died from her CFS malaise. Slowly drained out of energy. Until she died in hospital unable to even swallow, all the time surrounded by confused doctors and advice like, you just need to stand up. You just need to get better. Have you tried not being ill ? Even with the health professionals. How quickly does the human animal devolve to pointless inanities when faced with problems that cannot be instantly solved.

The idea of just sleeping away and dying sits there now. Like the ultimate temptation. I finally have my wish. There is a solution. Relatively pain free. Easy. I have been gifted with my request.

I cannot do it this side of Athena still being around.

But once she goes.

It feels like the way that story should go. It feels like the epitaph that fits. Fate. The inevitable ending.

It's just the misery demons speaking of course. In a brighter happier world, this would not be a thing.

But that's the thing.

This is all my world is. And is forseeable to be. There is no better tomorrow. And it doesn't feel like just the misery demons speaking. It feels like this is the way it is. Harsh. Awful. Brutal. Very sad. But still. The way it is.

So low today.

I decided I needed to eat. Properly. No doubt my sporadic and uninspiring diet was another weight on the misery scale. And I realised I needed to break this terrible hole. At some point in the future I can indulge and just disappear forever into it. But not right now. Not with Athena still kicking.

So I got up. And asked Hazel if she was doing anything. And on the spur of the moment decided we would go out and get fancy dinner. And mocktails. And things.

And I had a lovely afternoon. Sitting in a fancy place. Eating fancy things. Whilst Hazel happily chatted on very content with her food and drinks and pampering.

I listened to her. Said very little. But nodded. And related. And was an agreeable dinner companion. Numb. I was numb. I could feel it. But the grinding misery lifted. To just numb. Numb is better than abject misery.

I made sure to sincerely thank our wait staff every time they did something. A happy voice. A positive vibe.

But it's like an act. I know how to speak. How to react. The exact things to say and do. And also. A driving importance to make sure everyone else has a good time. Is thanked properly. Their days are not made worse. Inside, personally, I am dead. But no need to push that onto others. I don't need to take my misery out on others.

We spent hours in there. A lazy afternoon. Came home. Watched a movie as Hazel groaned about being stuffed. Then late in the evening, took her home, gave the dogs a short walk around the local park.

Athena has struggled today. Stiff. Old. Even on the meds.

And as our day came to an end.

I was unbearably sad.

On the verge of tears.

I said nothing. I did nothing. Hazel chatted on.

At some point she asked.

Are you ok ?

I grimaced.

No ?

Not feeling good I quietly said. I am sure I will be ok.

I debated about saying anything more. The tears threatened to erupt. My stomach was dropped into the floor, a horrible gnawing pit of sadness. I looked at Athena and realised everyday she was getting older, slower.

I ended up saying nothing.

And we went home.

I needed to go home.

I needed to bury my head into my bed. To close the lid. To escape. To let everything blur out.

Today, by anyones measure has been a lovely day.

But I cannot feel it.

It helped a little for a short while. Then was gone.

Perhaps. It will all pass.

I cannot see that it will.

My story seems to be winding down to an inevitable conclusion. The pieces fit. I have a way. There is nothing to prevent it. No white knight to save me. No great change that will alter the course.

All sorts of things happen in the world. Good. Bad. Tragic. Joyous. I am not special. I am not different. My part will just blur into the greater happenings of the world. Less than a footnote. Life is no guarantee of good things. Things do not always have to make sense. Or be kind. Or end well. It just is.

And I am so tired of being so sad. And of never being well. And the world being the way it is.

Today it crossed my mind again about therapy.

To find a professional. What can you do for me ?

Give me a reason to live. Or at least. Not to die. Here are my issues. Can you see a solution ?

But I know they will not have one. I know they will almost certainly be slower than me. Less informed. Less clever. Less broad. They will have no answers I have not heard before and picked apart in detail. 

There's a reason many philosophers end up killing themselves. Flying to close to the sun their wings burn up. Dig too deep and you just find objective nihilism. Not happiness. Truth. Does not mean happy.

But eh. Meh. Rationalisations.

My problems are more than just miserable philosophy.

Ho hum.

Tomorrow. Is another day.

Perhaps. It will be better.